Mozza (11) + Links to success stories and more

[Mozza]

Here is what I have slowly understood over the last few months:

I can do what brings me joy.

If I do so, I will be happy and feel frustration for no one who does not return my favors. It's the end of the covert contract. Everything is an end of itself, not a deal with the world. I'm so frustrated that my WW left me saying "thank you" for the years of support I gave her. I guess I was hoping for something in return (loyalty?) and now I've nothing but heartbreak to show for it. Sure, there are limits to doing what brings me joy, and sometimes there is delayed gratification. I wouldn't eat a box of chocolate at every meal for instance. I wouldn't cheat on my W with the hot intern. I'll still take out the trash and recycling.

So, then, how does it look in real life?

PAST | About three years ago, I learnt to cook (or started to). I created a weekly schedule so that I would practice the same recipe every week and learn, improve them. The Monday meal was a sirloin steak with blue cheese because I love it. Guess what: I was looking forward to this meal and finally learnt to cook, at 36. I was doing what brings me joy and it added to it because now I enjoy cooking (not on susana4's level though!).

PRESENT | Tonight, I put the strobe light in the living room, my earphones on and I danced my heart out for some 20 minutes. I love dancing. I've music that I want to listen to. Nobody's watching, I don't dance so that someone's impressed or attracted, I just dance because I love it. I'm all sweaty and elated. That's what I'm talking about.

FUTURE | I'm thinking of buying a motorcycle. I've been driving off-road ATVs since the age of three, but haven't since I left my parents' home. I've had the dream of a motorcycle for 20 years. Twice, I've made plans to buy one, but didn't go through. Now might just be the time. I don't even own a car, so it would be nice to have this bit of transportation freedom when I don't have the kids. I miss this feeling of freedom on two wheels.

I've written three posts on stacey9's thread if anyone is interested in how I think this applies to other people's sitches. Note that stacey9's BD was 19 months ago. If you're a couple of months into your sitch, it's most likely too early, but around six to twelve months, it might be a good idea to start thinking about what really brings you joy.
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I'm becoming one of those posters that I didn't like too much when I arrived here. I'm accepting my S and moving on with my life. As for WW and M, que sera, sera. At the time, it looked like the "giving up" option I wanted nothing of. The only future I was willing to consider was R. But that's just how things are supposed to evolve if I don't want to hang on to WW 10 years from now, parking in her driveway to cry (who told that story here?).

Some might wonder if that means I'm giving up on M. No, it doesn't. It means that I stop even wondering if I want to R. It's a moot point: WW is not asking me to come back. There are so many ways it could happen, some for which I'd say yes, some I'd say no. So all I'm saying is: maybe. And I stop torturing myself with hypothetical scenarios.
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I'd really like to engage more on your thoughtful responses regarding dating but one thing I've learned through my sitch is to let go and not try to settle every argument. I'm glad we've had this polarizing discussion so respectfully and that you've all helped me so much to work through my decision.

Labug | There is a one-year delay here so D is only possible in October 2015. I also hope I'll find what I'm looking for and thank you for your kind words.

MCS | You're right, I'm getting better. I'd say that the 6-month mark was the beginning of the turning point where the positive outweighed the negative. I'm not out of the woods though. Friday, I had a heart-to-heart with a cab driver (!) and he told me that 22 years after his D, he's still not over it (she had left). He remarried recently and has two more kids he adores (he sang me children rhymes he composed for them!). We learn to live with it, but it's always there in our life.

Card29 | I'm so glad to see you around here. I often think about your lightswitch moment. I fell like mine was more gradual, but I'm getting there. I've been thinking of your road trip in Florida and what a good idea it was. I would have loved to share the road with you for a day or two! I'm glad when I see people just going for what they enjoy in life. I'm a few weeks or months behind, but I feel like I'm in your footsteps in some ways.
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GAL Report | I went to Chicago this week-end! I've been meaning to for years, but WW was not interested. I went with a friend who loves architecture as much as I do and we had a blast. The weather was glorious. People on the beach wearing only bathing suits. Wow.

Detachment Report | I saw WW in person Friday when I dropped off the kids. It lasted 15 seconds, but I had a little cry when I got home afterwards. My PMA was sometimes down during the week-end and I suspect it might have to do with it. I'm meeting FIL Wednesday for lunch. I've no plans other than enjoying my meal and the conversation. Actually, I've one plan: I want to tell him I didn't want the S. I've no idea what WW tells everyone as she's been lying to much, so I want to get this one out there with him.

Dating Report | Nothing much, except that I've been forcing myself more to talk to interesting women. It feels like an accomplishment every time. I've finished reading Models, my book on attracting women through honesty, and I've every intention of writing a longer review because I think it's a good complement to DR, NMMNG and what some vets explain here about attraction.

[Barry]

Hi Mozza,

I'm becoming one of those posters that I didn't like too much when I arrived here. I'm accepting my S and moving on with my life. As for WW and M, que sera, sera. At the time, it looked like the "giving up" option I wanted nothing of. The only future I was willing to consider was R. But that's just how things are supposed to evolve if I don't want to hang on to WW 10 years from now, parking in her driveway to cry (who told that story here?).

Some might wonder if that means I'm giving up on M. No, it doesn't. It means that I stop even wondering if I want to R. It's a moot point: WW is not asking me to come back. There are so many ways it could happen, some for which I'd say yes, some I'd say no. So all I'm saying is: maybe. And I stop torturing myself with hypothetical scenarios.

This is EXACTLY where I am now too and I couldn't have written it better myself.

Take care, Barry.

[Miman2]

I can do what brings me joy.

I think I'm slowly coming around to this way of thinking too.
For the first time since the dinner with the W last week I felt better than okay yesterday.

Just by doing little things that I can do now without her around and thinking about things I can do down the road.

[Complex]

Great post Mozza, thanks that you share your experiences here. It always was and still is very helpful. Wish you the best of luck!

[Karma12]

Hey Mozza....I see you have been keeping busy on the boards. For me to start dating came when I accepted that my marriage was over. My ex too had moved on and it took me a long time to get to the point were I was ready to put myself out there for anyone. It's been almost three years not since we've been split up, the first year was a year of rebuilding my life and grieving, the second year I still held on to some hope but was starting to heal. Now I wonder if I could ever have taken him back. From a distant perspective I see so much more now. He's really not someone I want to spend my life with. I deserve so much more.

You will know when you are ready to call it and move on. Life has a plan for you. I don't see it with you being alone forever. At some point you will meet someone and it will all click. Good luck and keep growing and learning.

[Mozza]

What a day!

6:30 | Got up early to get to a medical clinic and sort out some things that I've been meaning to do for years.

9:30 | Ran into WW and FIL in the street. She looked so stunned that I asked her if she had seen a ghost. I was acting normal, smiling, and it lasted 20 seconds. I was the one leaving.

10:00 | I joined a gym, a first in 12 years.

11:30 | Lunch with FIL. See below.

13:00 | IC meeting. We talked about how I tend to interpret many things that happen to me as rejection. He doesn't even see S as a clear cut case of rejection, although there's some in it. That's yet another example of how my IC reframes things.

16:00 | I had my first session at the gym, along with a training program developed for me.

18:00 | Went to an open mic and ended up playing guitar and singing three songs. This is huge for me! I've been meaning to do it for years. It was the "secret GAL" activity that I mentioned here a few days ago. The place was empty and I played for an audience of 7, staff included. I've done it!

20:00 | Badminton. By a stroke of luck and a bit of efforts on my part, I ended up playing with the prettiest woman (celebrity lookalike: Gwyneth Palthrow) and had a good time.

22:00 | Made plans for a summer vacation with a friend. Booked GAL for tomorrow.

23:30 | Went out dancing, but ended up at an Irish pub. There was karaoke and, because I GAL and do everything I fear, I put my name on the list and did my party trick of singing We didn't start the fire by heart in front of a crowd of complete strangers. Also, after an hour of hesitation, I walked up to the prettiest woman of the place (celebrity lookalike: Elisha Cuthbert) and we ended up singing Amy Winehouse and Celine Dion together.

2:30 | 20 hours after waking up, I crashed in my bed (alone, rest assured!).

Vanilla, how many GAL points is that?

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Detachment report | Lunch with FIL. I didn't expect to talk much about the S, but he brought it up from the start and it was our topic for some 80% of the meal. He seems sorry that this happened, told me that he and his wife had accepted me in his family and as the choice of WW to be happy (there was a small dig in there that I wouldn't have been their choice though). They were also taken by surprise. He implied all along that this was definitive and that we should all just get on with life -- again, this is the normal thing to say and it doesn't really influence my thinking about the sitch. If he had a message, it was that my parents should reach out more to WW, that they shouldn't be angry at her. I told him that my parents were not angry at her (or they don't tell me), but they may be uncomfortable and sad. The conclusion was that time would settle things. On my end, I told him that S was WW's decision, that it also took me by surprise, that it was sudden, that she told me she wanted to be alone, so didn't even quite know why she had left me. On the way out, he came along with me for the walk, quite passed WW's apartment. It seems like this lunch was important to him and that he wanted us to have a cordial relationship. All in all, it seems good.

[gan]

Whoa there! Unless my time difference calculations are off, you did that all on a Wednesday?! I think V needs to work in a bonus for weekday GAL. Maybe a weight of 1.2 per GAL point delivered during a weekday? V, what do you think?

Glad to hear the meet up with FIL went ok, Mozza. I trust you can still tell the time?

[Tarheel]

Nice work Mozza- I'm exhausted just reading about your day!

Wanted to add this to your thread since I've seen you bring up the Models book on several threads. I won't post the link, but I found an article ('My Girlfriend Just Dumped Me') on Mark Manson's website that speaks perfectly on how to act/react. It's definitely worth a read to all newbies.

[Miman2]

That was a good read Tarheel!

[Sotto]

Thanks Tarheel, I thought it was good too. Only takes 10 minutes if anyone's interested. And it's very much in line with DB principles.