Synopsis. Long history of tumultuous R, very intense love feelings and faith and hope carried us. Mostly my energy and work in moving us forward as I dragged him along the path if I am truly honest. H has some rather underdeveloped parts of him, and I am described by friends as quite a forceful woman. So there. I quote, "The unstoppable force meets the immovable object." It wasn't the headline on the wedding invite, but should have been.
Separated, now what? WAH shut himself away for two weeks, acted like he wanted to work on our M after BD at counselor. Maybe.
Separation turning bad H went away, got colder and angrier with our limited contact. Friend of his contacted me, and asked me to fly up, and we started building a bridge home.
Turn around? H came home, initially all over the place and hostile. Puts ring on in a week, everything starts looking really great.
Navigating old ruts Hard DR work. I worked on my changes, H alternately seemed to try very hard and alternately started playing a lot of head games, eroding my sense of self. Worse than the year prior to BD.
I want it all, all right now. Feeling increasingly frustrated, I started this one - as with the last one - with the changes I needed to make it letting my H just do him. Well, one night I called him on his accountability for something he'd promised, and he became physically violent. No remorse. In fact, partied a bunch using my cc. Finally confronted, and he basically told me he didn't care anymore. A day after telling me how lucky he was to have me in his life.
Reflecting & Grieving Me questioning everything I thought I knew about him. Everyone's S here does some super crazy nasty stuff, but they're generally consistent about it. I am reeling.
Thank you to Vanilla, Susana, TLEE, Calibri, Gan, Toots, Wonka, Cadet, Fogg, Mozza, Maybell, Grass, heck...so many of you have given such kind support and posed some very good questions and given your points of view.
This thread will start with the idea that I am almost there:
-Detaching, really feeling H is not any of my business at present and forward.
-Accepting the past - eh, I will need more help with this.
-Making my changes - I am finding little opportunities each day to be more emotionally 'present' and tuned in to people around me, and non-judgemental, slowly but surely changing old walls and habits of thought.
- Letting go of need to control - most especially with this D process. I have turned it over to him since he is the one who didn't want to be here.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
H has agreed to have a breakfast with me before he picks up his things. I will prepare a letter of intent I will ask him to sign and notarize, and deliver it there. We'll sort out some more logistics. Should be final stuff. He may have figured out our D paperwork and will present it, who knows.
And I plan to ask the questions that keep me up at night.
'Will he be interested in reconciling? HAHAHAHA, no, not that one. I've generally come to realize I love my H, but he is not equipped to build a life with me, as he is right now. If he wants to get himself together and come back looking to build, date...whether pre or post D, I'll handle it then. I no longer have any goals on this front, and I plan to be fabulous and happy again.
I am counting on his honesty (truly. he no longer wants anything from me, so the manipulation shouldn't be a factor.), and want to ask him if he planned to sabotage this at some level. How and why he bounced around extremes when he came back. I'm just interested in what he has to say about his messy head, what he did that night and why he handled it the way he did afterward. What those promises and declarations really meant to him when he came home.
I fully expect he will try to place blame back in my lap, and that's fine. But my bestie, who is very tired of hearing me grind my head into dust, has told me to go, do it, put the nail in the coffin and be satisfied with what I hear and never question it again.
So, my expectations (I know, I know) are that 1. I will be perhaps more puzzled and disappointed with what he says - but it will be out of the horses mouth and not mind reading, so it'll help put some of that to rest for me.
2. We'll have a 99% clean break from each other in all practical senses after we tidy up some affairs that morning, and
3. in a week or month, he will file for our D, and I'll show up and smile and sign stuff when the time comes.
I'll not need to ever question that he still wanted this and I killed our M because of the hard line I drew over the abuse. If he wanted to be here, he would address it. Your move, H.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Z, I'm sorry things are tough right now. Good luck at the breakfast. I fear that any answers you get from H will not really help though. Seems there is never a good enough answer to any of the questions we ask as LBS's.
It's still early days since the split. Be gentle with yourself. It will get easier with time. ((((Z)))) You are strong!
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
I don't feel so strong. Too much of my angry heart holds slivers of hope that he may get his life together and pursue me. As V said, we hope for lotteries, too.
But I know I can do this. This forum is a god send, god bless it for not letting us wear our friends and families out and being full of ppl who understand.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I am counting on his honesty (truly. he no longer wants anything from me, so the manipulation shouldn't be a factor.), and want to ask him if he planned to sabotage this at some level. How and why he bounced around extremes when he came back. I'm just interested in what he has to say about his messy head, what he did that night and why he handled it the way he did afterward. What those promises and declarations really meant to him when he came home.
Z-although you are having an "honest" discussion with H, just remember that straight from the horses mouth, might be a [censored] up, retarded horse (no offense or disrespect at all). But that we don't know how honest his honesty really is at this point. He is clearly not 100% himself, so please be careful as what you take for truth.
Originally Posted By: Zelda09
3. in a week or month, he will file for our D, and I'll show up and smile and sign stuff when the time comes.
Why do you feel like you have to smile about this. Im not saying your going to be you know pearly whites showing, flashing a gorgeous smile, but most people will probably disagree with me, but who says we have to be ok with this? If my W wanted a D, theres no way in hell i would show up smiling. Would I be bawling my eyes out, crying up a storm? No. But I would probable be genuine, in the sense that I don't want this, its your move, but I respect your wishes enough even if its not what I want. I guess, bottom line, i don't think being genuine is really that bad because he will clearly see through fakeness if you get too crazy with it. Idk...
I hope the breakfast goes well for you Z, and please let us know how it goes. But go into it with no expectations and the only one you should expect is that your questions might go unanswered...i know its hard, i just met my W too remember? I just hope you don't expect too much from it. Nothing but the best for you Z.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Thanks, TLEE. I say smile - I don't mean to say I'll look radiantly happy or intend to play that way. Just as a term of acceptance I suppose.
V, I'm sure H's thoughts will be over-easy (on himself) and I think I am prepared.
I am glad I will get to look him in the eye and have a civil discussion about what those 8 weeks were, whatever he says. The way things went down, I never got any of that.
Does it matter much in the end? Not in terms of the sitch, but no matter what he says - I will have a dead end to what has been endless questioning and I may be able to seal that part of my brain up the next time it starts, and tell it, brain - you heard the man, his feeling and thoughts are valid, and this is what happened according to him. So there. You can't change it, influence it, fix it, and now you know. It shouldn't be necessary for me to have closure, but I think it will help a great deal.
In the end what really matters is that I know that is not how I can be treated. I'm not willing to be in a M where 'we should see other people' is threatened when I want to ask something of him; or that his suicidal thoughts are suddenly brought up when I wish to talk about my feelings; where all kinds of manipulation and intimidation and abuse are present. I know what I know.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Zelda, I am proud of u reading that u are willing to protect yourself from the manipulation... It is abuse. You deserve to be shown love, without strings, without the BS. I kept telling myself there is no perfect love. I have been wrong. Perfect love is the love that i show myself. I just have to be ready to show it and be willing to accept it...sometimes I have had troubles with this.
