I have read some great information on boundaries, I just do not know how to implement them. It feels like when I say them in my head I am just trying to control the wife. I have been practicing with boundaries with the boys and enforcement is pretty easy with them. Now to translate that to a grown, willful woman. She has spoken about my behaviors in the past (passive aggressive sulky, clingy), as being very controlling. She was spot on then. I need to be cautious at how my mindset is for establishing boundaries, especially something that would be impossible to track or enforce.
Her telephone has a biometric lock because of HIPA concerns where if she lost her phone her hospital has the right to whipe it clean. She has her own email accounts that I cannot access. I never cares because I have always placed a trust in her. She has male friends (mostly all are male actually) and it has always been that way. I never had a reason to mistrust. I know that was not good to have no boundaries set up. We have both been like that. I have female friends who I've gone out for drinks - dinner with. Even during then darkest times I've never dreamed of acting against my vows with my wife. She new it. I remember once her sister got mad that wife was telling a story about. Trip I took to phoenix. My brothers and I went to a bar to watch a full gambit of football games. I told her about a woman who we pal'd around with the whole day. We had fun and were mutually enjoying each others company. Her sister asked her. Weren't you concerned about me doing something untoward. Wife and my other brothers wife (I've known for 25,years) both laughed and said (hwkies) are you serious. They both had trust that I would never betray my wife like that. I know now that was improper not to have boundaries set up even if there was no chance for anything to happen.
I just Need to figure out how to do this correctly. Time to reread those posts.
Spent some time last night between making dinner / groceries / errands thinking and doing some research about what it would take to actually get a divorce. Something I would absolutely have to be willing to embark upon to protect myself if it came to that OR if that is ultimately what wife is after. There is so much there that I am amazed people advocate that it is too easy. Have to be ready to split from wife. Have to be ready to separate kids from one or other spouse. Have to be ready for the Selling (likely short sale) of house. Splitting assets, retiremrnt accounts. I would be an absolute destruction of our current life. I understand that this is not entirelyna bad thing...we as dB's are prepping for this already (and certainly i feel way more empowered in my ability to look at this sort of things more rationally) it is still very difficult to imagine waking up alone every day in a completely different life.
After all this I went to grocery store and found myself bawling in the middle I'd the grocery isle when I saw a couple of items that I used to buy the wife to make her special deserts.
I had written my wife a letter a year or so ago (ya I used to write all sorts of dobby letters during this crisis). One if the things i told her was that when she hold me at bed time it made me feel wanted and how great it was (paraphrasing). Since she has actually done this from time to time. Last night wife held my hand with one of hers ASN held my arm with the o her until she fell asleep. It was everthing i could do to hold the tears back...i didn't let on how very much I needed that comfort last night..it just happened.
Oh ya I'm doing an great job detaching...banner day of letting go
It seems to happen to us all from time to time, just as we think we are coping and getting on with things something seems to trip us up and we get emotional. Hang in there though, it's just one day. Keep the faith. You'll be in my prayers
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
i need to take a step back, deep breath and REALLY focus on me for a bit. Funny, as im typing this, i got an email from bosses with a quarterly bonus statement. A couple of weeks ago, i had actually gone in and asked my boss not to consider me for the bonus because i did not feel like my efforts over the last umpteen months warrented it (i am typing this all at work, if you get my drift). they told me that despite all of that they felt that i still believed that my work was worth it and boom there it is. I am going to move that money right away and spend it on me. I have my eye on some seats for the foo-fighters concert comming up in chicago. i will buy two tickets and see who i can get to go with me. the rest, i am puttin that money aside for a trip to ireland (something i've ALWAYS wanted to do. actually i spoke to wife for our 15th anniversary and asked if she wanted to go then, almost 2 years ago, she said no even though i know she too has ALWAYS wanted to go...she never gave a good enough reason). i will go by myself if i have to, i want to go.
i want to go get a drink, it has to be 5 o'clock somewhere.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/08/1507:26 PM. Reason: edit as per user request
THEN what do i do? Confront, expose, hide what i know and allow more BS to happen? I know i am all over the map the last couple of days, i feel like i am comming out of my own fog.
i need to take a step back, deep breath and REALLY focus on me for a bit.
You have given yourself exactly the advice I was going to say.
Most of what i write here are the emotions i am feeling at that moment, the thoughts that i need to get out, to help me sort. i've never been a journaller, but i am starting to see the value. it gives me some relief to know that there are folks who understand what i am thinking and what i am going through. it gives me strengh to see those who have completely gone through this with whatever result and are better off for it. I appreciate every response, whether it is advice, hi, support, whatever!!! i have not spoken about my marital problems with anyone of my piers or family. this is me. my visits with the IC have been helpful, but i cannot affort weekly or biweekly sessions, so this forum and the reading have been so helpful it is unbelievable. I will keep posting here so i can keep not-stalling on thoughts, which is something that i've done my whole life. it is like a bad record over and over in my head, at least here people can help me move the needle if it needs moving.
hwkies, Cadet is exactly right. I was exactly where you are awhile back. I started waking up to what was going on. I did NOTHING but breath, relax and came here to vent and got great support.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
quick administrative question, i just realized if wife got into my phone to mess with text messages, it is possible that she also could have seen something to do with this site in my phones web browser.
is it possible to change the username, mine is similar other forum accounts and i would think it would be best to make it more neutral or less conspicuous.
