Alpha One, Alpha All #

[mvgfwd2]

You may want to send a text about the day the kids had. Since the past issues of trusting you with the kids you need to keep doing trustworthy things. Like letting her know everything is OK and they had fun today. Can be a simple text instead of a call.

[alpha99]

I guess you're right. I was going to wait until morning to make contact due to it being late now but I've just fired off a quick text to say 'hey, just saw your missed calls. I can't speak right now. Everything OK?'

[alpha99]

After my text above, W replied: ' Yeah just wondering how the kids have been and what time your dropping them off?'

I replied: 'Kids have been great and had a fantastic day. The weather has been lovely. I'll drop them off at 9am'

I tried to gauge the reply to vaguely inform of their day (without spilling the beans), make a positive comment, and confirm child arrangements. I didnt ask a question so as not to appear to pursue, and tried to strike a balance between being nice but mysterious, slightly distant without being cold.

I remember a time when text messages were just text messages haha

Taking the kids back soon. YouTube history shows W has been looking at cars in the middle of the night. Since she has no interest in cars I can only assume it's OM related. At this point that shouldn't bother me but it does still...though not to the same degree as before.

I'm going to be upbeat and positive upon seeing her, be neighbourly friendly without over doing it, and try and make a positive connection, even if it is on something small.

[alpha99]

Just took the kids back. Bit annoying that when I got there W wanted to go back to our town (she's living a few miles away in a small nearby town). Since I was going I gave her/kids a lift.

Waiting for a mo in her place, my S6 was being quite naughty for her. She tried to blame me, saying each time S6 comes back to her he's naughty and it must be because I spoil the kids. I don't. I never have. In a nice way I explained this and she relented and agreed.

In the car we chat over minor things, the sunshine etc. We got on great...best in ages. At one point she commented how nice it was we were getting along better. I agreed. She said the kids love both of us. I agreed. We made arrangements for kids for the rest of the week.

I was going to the bank once parked up. Turns out W was too. We walked over together with the kids. A 5 min walk. She talked about hols this year...and next year. Asked if I had any. I was vague in answering yes.

She talked about France, where we'd been to before, how she felt comfortable there. I was tempted to make suggestions but never. She learnt a tiny amount of French during previous holidays there. She brought this up,saying she could order food etc. I cheerleadered at this point: 'oh yeah, I remember when you used to go to the supermarket in France and speak French to buy baguettes etc. You were really good at that.'. She almost blushed and broke out into a big smile.

During the walk a girl I know (the hottest girl from high school by chance - W doesn't know her (my age)) passed by across the street. We saw each other, smiled, said hello. W was mid sentence at that point. I wasnt rude or ignorant to her. She carried on a few more words...then stopped and said it didn't matter.

I don't want to purposely make her jealous, but unintendedly it couldnt have gone much better: really hot girl says hello from across the street. I could see the cogs turning in W's head. A bit more chit chatted followed shortly after.

We reached the bank, I nipped in a shop for some things for the kids, and then back to the bank to part ways. W was waving her phone about. Hard not to notice she had text app open and OM was top name. I'm not surprised. At this point right now I'm not really bothered (well OK, a little bit). Not to boast but I look the best I have in years, both in terms of physicality and clothing, and I'm becoming a better person. I love W and adore my kids. W will either wake up and catch on that she's losing out by not being with me, or she won't and...over time I will move on and someone else will be very lucky. I feeling kind of good today.

P.S.

I do initiate little bits of conversation but then step back and let W lead. She is starting to open up to me slightly. I think I'm on the right path. I'm not letting her take advantage of me, setting some boundaries, we're sticking to parenting plan, she's showing some flexibility, we're being nicer to each other, but I'm not pursuing.

[alpha99]

EDIT: just to add to this, I did point out S6 naughtiness could be a result of our sitch. Her reply was the one note of narkiness all interaction. She said, well, there's nothing we can do about that' in a slightly downbeat, irritated way. She turned and walked away as she said this.

[Sotto]

She's probably sensitive about any implied guilt I would think Alpha.

Great luck with the attractive lady - perfect!

[alpha99]

Maybe you're right Toots. It did come across though as 'well, what's done is done and we can't change it now' sort of thing. I know feelings are liable to change though and so I'm not giving her answer much weight right now.

Thinking about this morning, as I tend to do, a few other things stood out.

* She went very quiet when I mentioned I was going out tonight. She doesn't know where I'm going or why.

* In talking about holidays, she mentioned booking next year's...and she implied she'd be going alone (with the kids). Her parents won't go away with her - they only do bingo playing, pensioner style UK coach holidays.

* However she acts, whatever she says, some signs are irrefutable. She would very clearly be affected by me meeting someone else. I don't want to right now, and I wouldn't use that as some tactic to try and win her back, but I have noticed on the few occasions we've skirted around that subject previously that it definitely does bother her. She either goes quiet, scrunches her face, or looks away when making an unconvincing statement along the lines of 'you can do what you want.' Being stopped in her tracks by 'attractive lady' saying hello this morning was another sign of this.

So, at the moment I feel good. I'm looking forward to my Italian group tonight (Non vedo l'ora andarci!).

Regarding my sitch, I guess I want to work it both ways. On the one hand I want to continue as we have recently and try and build up positive connections, get along, find agreement in things, make sure the kids aren't affected by things etc. On the other hand, and following on from Starky's statement about fear of losing a LBS, I want it to be clear that despite being nicer to each other etc, I am not waiting around for her, that I'm moving on. Stopping all pursuit is doing that to some extent. I want to maybe extend that somehow. I don't know how though. I'm certainly not going to advertise it, that would look like a sad ploy, but maybe there is something that I will do for myself that will be a clear sign that I'm not hanging on and holding out hope indefinitely.

After all the early weeks of crying etc, I still feel she has that security in the back of her mind where she feels that should she want to she could have me back anytime she liked. Bursting that little bubble would be nice. I do have opposing thoughts sometimes, and should we ever near the piecing stage, I can see myself having some serious reflection, to the point where maybe it turns out after all my longing that working on a R isn't the best option for us. Who knows? Of course right now I'm open to a potential R...but will that always be the case?

[alpha99]

DING DONG - alarm bells ringing!

Wife has just left voicemail after a missed call. Her message is about selling the house. She wants to know what we're going to do about it. She wants to call the estate agents today. She went to the bank this morning, not just to withdraw cash as normal but to speak to an adviser. Based off experience my guess is that she's short on cash due to her past record of poorly handled finances. She wants to sell the house to replenish her depleted bank balance no doubt.

Now, I can't afford to stay there alone. So I guess we're going to have to sell it. I see this as a step in the wrong direction in terms of things working out but I am willing to go with it. We've already said we'll split the profit 50/50 so that's not really an issue.

Does anyone have any thoughts on how I should proceed?

The house needs a little work (mainly just decorating) to get the most out of it sales wise. W wants to get it up for sale ASAP. I'd rather we got the most we can from it and tidied it up a little first.

EDIT: I doubt she'd want to 'waste' her money but having £1,000s means she could potentially afford to start D proceedings too. My initial thought is to say 'slow down, lets clear the house out, tidy it up a little, move on to the estate agents phase in a week or two.'

[Luis P]

Hi Alpha,

As the house is in both your name and hers, try to approach this professional by letting her know you need time to think in order to upsale the house and arrange times for you also to take part with the agent and you involve in the sale.

Let us know how it goes.

[alpha99]

Hi Luis,

As it happens I have just spoken to W and by coincidence did as you proposed. We both agreed we don't want to decorate the house as it would cost too much but that it does need cleaning. We are going to do that together over the next few days and W is arranging for someone to come and value the house at a time when we're both available next week. I pointed out that we don't have to jump right in the first company to value it and we should approach this sensibly with a mind to getting 'us' the best deal. W agreed.

I did start the conversation by asking what she wanted to do. Then I listened and validated all her thoughts. I gave my thoughts afterwards. W knows I am financially minded and agreed with my points. Considering we're talking about the sale of our family home due to the death of our M it was quite a pleasant conversation.

I did fear W was going to be antagonistic due to the circumstances and her wanting money, money, money! She did let slip that as I suspected she hasn't got much money at the moment. She seemed pleased with the prospective amount of money we might get from the house sale.

I think I handled the call really well. I had written out bullet points in Notepad to make sure I covered the things I wanted to. I validated the hell out of what she was saying. Finally, I was calm, rational, and clear headed throughout the conversation. No emotions involved.

W is definitely more comfortable communicating with me right now. I don't think I'm being easy on her. I think I am letting her see I understand and value her thoughts. I made sure to compose myself before calling her back and thought about what the purpose of the call was, how I might act 'as if' I was fine with everything...and then stuck to those guidelines.