Nole_Girl (1) Intro

[102Owns]

You seem to be handling all of this pretty well. To me, it looks like he's beginning to see what life without you is really going to be like and based on his reaction to the shirt, he's jealous. That, coupled with the fact that you went out with your girls and stayed out until 2 am, may make him think that there is another man involved in your life now.

Keep GALing and work on improving yourself. He can remain undecided as long as he likes but at the end of this, you'll come out a better and stronger person if you stay focused on yourself. You can't make this decision for him but you can make him see what kind of person you really are and your commitment to your marriage.

Goodluck =)

[Sherman333]

I just caught up on your thread and really don't have much to add.

He actually drove past the new apartment on our way home and the landlord just “happened” to be standing outside waiting for him to sign. So, he did it with me in the car….

What an a$$ move.

Had to say it.

[NoleGrl]

Oh, I wish I was handling this well. I'm trying, but I am so confused, hurt, angry. Part of me wants to do whatever I have to to save this marriage and the other part of me is ready to give up. I'm really trying to GAL, have a PMA, act like I am fine when I am dying inside. Sometimes I don't know when to STFU.

[Zues126]

Don't have much in me tonight for wisdom. I'll send you some good will. One day at a time.

For what it's worth, my mantra is to "act with the character you wish he had".

If you allow your feelings to cause you to throw in the towel, you have no right to be upset for him to allow his feelings to cause him to do the same. (kind of- you know what I mean).

So I'd say if you believe that people are supposed to stick by their vows regardless of how they FEEL (which I do), then that's what you should do. Doesn't mean it's not ok to FEEL like punching him in the face now and then. But follow your beliefs and have faith.

[NoleGrl]

Thanks Sherman for stopping by.

I agree with what you are saying Zues. I do believe in my vows, regardless of how I feel. I have been sitting here waiting for 6 months, DBing, trying to be nice when he is being cold and validate where I can. And the whole time he is out there living the single life, going out all the time, maybe seeing someone else....I think he would be happy to just continue on this path forever. Not actually getting divorced, but not working on the marriage either. He's not losing anything in this situation. So I guess my question is how long do we let them treat us like this, hoping that they will wake up when who knows if they ever will?

[pilot]

Hi NoneGirl. Sorry you are going through this. One thing to consider, and I think every LBS is guilty of this (understandably so) is that we always think our WAS is out living up the large life. Running around with a new love and never giving the LBS a second thought. While I suppose it has happened, usually it is not the case. Now if there is an OW in the picture, yea, he probably feels life is great and does not think much about you. Just remember As rarely last. While they are going on, you are not on his radar. But do not fool yourself for a second that he is not in pain...whether or not he shows it.

I know its not much help, but 6 months is really not a long time. Sure, we as "rational" people cannot understand why it takes that long to figure out what they want. Its just too bad rational thinking is not a strong characteristic of WAS.

[Zues126]

When I answer that I'm writing a book and getting rich.

Obviously there comes a time. I shouldn't say obviously, there are people I've heard about that remain faithful to their vows their entire life because of their beliefs. I am probably neurotically committed to marriage, I would say however at some point there's no more marriage.

When in doubt, however, a few months never hurts. I know it feels like it's eternal, but it's really not. My D hasn't even been started yet officially, and my STBX has been with OM since BD or before. Part of me wants just wants it done, but I'm breathing deep because I need the time to heal anyway. No need to rush. I'll NEVER regret spending a year moving slowly and cautiously during this period of my life.

And you're not "letting him treat you that way". He's treating you the way he treats you. You get to decide how to respond. What do you respond to with openness. What do you respond to with common courtesy. What don't you respond to at all. How do you define your boundaries.

It's definitely a tricky spot between "keeping the road home smooth", "reattracting him", "validating", etc, and "being a plan B" or allowing "cake eating". Many people on the board would tell you to reduce contact, detach, move on, and let the chips fall where they will. My DB Coach says that tends to be overrated, and that oftentimes they need you to reattract them to some extent (without pursuing). One thing I do believe is that there is a BIG difference between how to handle it if there is an other person involved or not.

I'm sorry I don't remember the details- during your separation agreement, did you discuss whether you could see other people? Do you know whether he is?

I think this is important. If he's "just" confused (I use quotes because it is DEVASTATING and I'm not minimizing it), it may make sense to take some pressure off the M and just GAL for a while, be casual, and see what comes. My DB coach reminds me at times like that- THIS ISN'T THE MODEL for the future M, where you suppress all of your needs and just stuff it. But for a short time on occasion that is appropriate. On the other hand, if there is an OW I think there needs to be a much more drastic and firm approach (as per sandi's LBS H with a WW thread).

If you don't know I'd even consider hiring a PI to find out. That may sound insane, but there's such a big difference that I'd probably want to know. And frankly, at this point I feel that if I really couldn't figure out, I'd assume there was an OW and act accordingly. Hate to say it but the vast majority of the time there is, whether just a friend that crosses boundaries and becomes emotionally supportive, or an actual PA. I hope that's not the case but I think it's valuable information for you personally and strategically.

Vets- can you chime in on this please? BUMP!

[NoleGrl]

The past week has been strange. On Monday he sent me this text:
"I forgive you for what we are going through and your part. I hope you can forgive me and I don't hate you. We fortunately serve a God full of grace and he uses everything only to grow us." I just responded that I didn't hate him and I forgave him for his part too. He then said he would come over one night this week to start talking about the division of assets.

We sent some more texts back and forth about money. Then today out of the blue he sent me this text: "I really hope you know that I am not dating anyone and I really don't hate you."
I said that I didn't know what to believe. Then I asked him why he cared what I thought anyway since he seemed ready to move forward with the divorce. He said that he still cared about me. We went back and forth a little bit and he said we could talk about it when he got "home" tonight.

So he came by tonight and it was so horrible. He said that he doesn't ever want to go back to the marriage we had and that he doesn't think things can get better so it would be best for us just to go forward with the divorce. He said he has tried too many times and doesn't want to anymore. While it's not what he wants he feels that it would be best. He's happier now than he was in the marriage and just can't see going back. He doesn't want to hurt me but he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. He cares about me but doesn't love me anymore.

I wish I could say I did everything I was supposed to in this situation, but I didn't. I did EVERYTHING wrong. I got upset, I asked him why he was doing this, I asked him to reconsider, I cried. In 45 minutes I ruined any progress that I have made in the last few months. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?

I really think this is it, I don't think he is going to ever come back.

[pilot]

I wish I could say I did everything I was supposed to in this situation, but I didn't. I did EVERYTHING wrong. I got upset, I asked him why he was doing this, I asked him to reconsider, I cried. In 45 minutes I ruined any progress that I have made in the last few months. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?

I really think this is it, I don't think he is going to ever come back.

I know it feels like it, but try not to dwell on it. You backtracked a bit, but it happens. And will happen again. The reality is nothing changed for the better or worse today. His mind is still where it was yesterday. He will probably have those feelings for the foreseeable future as well. You need to remember to limit your expectations and in doing so you can help control the emotional roller coaster.

[Zues126]

So sorry Nole. Listen to Pilot. No expectations. Don't believe what you hear.

I reread your thread and to now don't think you've really taken full advantage of self reflection (at least not on this site). So you split once, got back together, now are split again.

What would he say are the reasons why he can't be with you? Did you try to make any changes after the first reconciliation? Did they last, and did he acknowledge them? What about now? What are his "deal breakers"?

If you can avoid looking at his part of it and use this pain to motivate you to make some true positive changes it will make you feel better for many reasons. One, you'll know you did everything possible for your M. Two, you'll know you won't make those mistakes again and it will be less likely you'll be in this spot. And three, you'll feel like a different person and the pain you're going through will dissipate at some point.

Please share with us and keep posting.