Complex #7 - the green(-card) mile

[Complex]

OLD THREAD

First of all hanks to all my listeners and supporters.

There was not a lot of change in my thread recently:

- In home separation still in place. W still stressed by living situation, but happy that we are getting along well.

- Also getting along with her family well, in a lot of touch with them

- Right now I just live my life. The way I think it is ok.

- Still doing IC, lot of GAL stuff, feels like I pretty much have my own life now.

- W doing kind of the same, but isn't going out much or extensively. Her "enabling friend" moved further away too. No idea if she talks to OM still. Status 2 weeks ago was no.

- Waiting on my greencard, which will eventually be the day things will progress, which means W will start to take legal steps. She told me she wants to move on with her life.
So I am kind of anxious about what is going to happen next. She made herself clear a couple weeks ago, since then no talking about it.

- I am less reactive, but not very strategical right now either. Just friendly with W, doing my own thing. Feels a little bit too easy at the moment. And I also feel reconciliation is so far away that is is hard to imagine at the moment, especially because I know what I want from my R and my life, which would require a good amount of work for W, and I do not see this happening.

- Starsky mentioned a very good point. I don't have the feeling right now that W has to fear losing me . On one hand it might feel things will be "easier" for her in the end since I am not "fighting" it and not trying to "pursue" or lecture her anymore. On the other hand since we are friendly with each other she might feel that I still like her and won't cooperate in the end again, like I did before.

Thing is, I do not want to be her friend, this will be almost impossible for me. I won't be able to move on like that, neither do I not want to get hurt that way.

I would be glad for some advice on this. What can I do to show her she will lose me for good?

[Starsky309]

On the other hand since we are friendly with each other she might feel that I still like her and won't cooperate in the end again, like I did before.

Thing is, I do not want to be her friend, this will be almost impossible for me. I won't be able to move on like that, neither do I not want to get hurt that way.

Have you told her this?

[Starsky309]

What can I do to show her she will lose me for good?

Let her see you moving on down the path without her, not looking over your shoulder to see if she's following you.

What ACTIONS (not words) have you done since BD that -- if you were her -- would lead you to believe that you were losing good ol' Complex? What actions have you done since BD that indicate that you'll "be there no matter what" ?

Make two lists.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm unclear about what you mean Complex. I mean, I get that you don't want to be her "friend", ( but now, or down the road ??)

but you seem to think that being pleasant NOW on a daily basis is perhaps bad.

Meaning what? Being a jerk or arguing with her (again) won't make her care more about losing you.

What are you asking, specifically? What do you see as your options?

[Complex]

I'm unclear about what you mean Complex. I mean, I get that you don't want to be her "friend", ( but now, or down the road ??)

but you seem to think that being pleasant NOW on a daily basis is perhaps bad.

Meaning what? Being a jerk or arguing with her (again) won't make her care more about losing you.

What are you asking, specifically? What do you see as your options?

I don't think being pleasant now is a bad thing, it is a positive thing. But once she signs D papers or after the day we are finally D, I will not be her friend anymore. I just can't. Not until I am fully healed, which is most likely going to take a long, undefined, time.
Maybe I am too "friend friendly" with her right now and should rather be "neighbor friendly"!?

So my question is how can I make this point clear to her without stopping getting along with her?
Right now we are just sitting on hot coals, waiting for my greencard, while I just live my life, move forward, build new relationships with people around me, move on in my job, school, social network, etc. While she might think we can be friends after D since it is pretty amicable right now.

[Complex]

What can I do to show her she will lose me for good?

Let her see you moving on down the path without her, not looking over your shoulder to see if she's following you.

What ACTIONS (not words) have you done since BD that -- if you were her -- would lead you to believe that you were losing good ol' Complex? What actions have you done since BD that indicate that you'll "be there no matter what" ?

Make two lists.

Moving on: Building more social network for myself, moving on with my job and making progressions, going to school...etc all the GAL activities. She sees I am working on myself, going to IC, doing what I do. I know she notices positive developments. No R talk in a while, no controlling Complex anymore, I let her live her life too. We are just roommates right now.
I feel like I am having a life myself, independent from my M. Definitely more independent.

Still "being there": Close contact to W family (of which some she doesn't know about), I don't do any actions in regards to D - still insist of living here, I am doing my duties around the house, and the biggest part is that our last R talk is not that long ago, maybe 3 weeks, in which she realized I am not very cooperative and it gave her the feeling I am blocking things. She knows I love her. The family time on Easter was like "nothing ever happened", which probably also shows her the life she actually does not want to have anymore, but I am still in it.

[Starsky309]

Moving on: Building more social network for myself, moving on with my job and making progressions, going to school...etc all the GAL activities. She sees I am working on myself, going to IC, doing what I do. I know she notices positive developments. No R talk in a while, no controlling Complex anymore, I let her live her life too. We are just roommates right now.
I feel like I am having a life myself, independent from my M. Definitely more independent.

I think the problem, when one is bombed, they know about an affair, and the spouse KNOWS that they know . . . it greatly changes the entire dynamic, as I've written about repeatedly.

And so if you're not careful with the "neighborly friendly vs. friend-friendly" thing . . . and if you're "you'll be there no matter what" list is too long . . . then even the "actions that indicate I'm moving on" list like you have here MIGHT be coming across as "Oh Complex is just doing all those things to try to show me what a great catch he is, to win me back."

It's a tricky balance, because you DO have to do those things, both because GALin, self-improvements, etc. are THE RIGHT THINGS TO DO just for yourself but also because they work to re-attract a wayward spouse. But if they come across as a TACTIC, or -- worse -- the ol' "PICK ME!" dance . . . not so good.

I have no way of knowing how you're coming across to her, as all we get are your posts, but just throwing out food for thought.


Starsky

[Complex]

The right balance. The thing that I always have issues with.

I actually do think I'm somewhere in the middle. I have to really observe myself WHY I do things. And also look out for when we talk, how much I try to put myself in a good light to "show off what a good catch I actually am". Maybe I shouldn't talk about any of my achievements whatsoever. I have the urge to tell W what I am doing/what I did sometimes. Have to hold it back. She will figure it out eventually.
I just can't control what she is thinking. The picture she has of me is branded in her brain right now.
It's easy to know what picture W has of me, she told me repeatedly:
I'm a great person with a big heart, I have great potential. We just don't fit together, we are not compatible. I am not the person she imagined marrying in the first place.
I repeat myself with this too: she is right. There IS this almost unsolvable "stubborn tension" between us that was only possible to overcome with being in love in the lovy dovey phase. Once that was over the existing problem surfaced and became a real one. I'm aware of it. Just think it's something worth working on..obviously.
At the moment I feel I'm doing a lot of things right, present myself much stronger and I'm also just trying to be myself, not force anything and I just do my own thing. A weird dynamic still remains. But I mean hey, we live together under these circumstances. Not quiet perfect at the moment.

So I just have to be careful and ask myself WHY I do things.
On the other hand the reason why we are S is because she felt spiritually neglected for a while. So I figured it is beneficial to give her a feeling of being understood. Which very quickly can become too friendly and or look like persuasion. Conplicated! Complex^^

[Complex]

Good Lord. This is weird. I met a women the other day and for some reason she completely stands for what I value and I kind of like her, not in a "desperate", confused way or anything, just for who she is..on a friend basis too. But I feel guilty about it. In fact I am not over my marriage and not ready to date or whatsoever. Maybe it is just showing me what I am worth. I always attract really honest, authentic women with a big heart..which means, these people I don't want to play games with at all..which is a very good thing I guess. So I have to just be very honest and extremely cautious. I mean I had some re attraction with other people but it feels different this time. But I might just be stupid, simply listening to myself.. BUT lets see it this way: the experience just having these thoughts is good because I can reflect on it and hopefully learn something about myself and I am not up to hurting anyone at all.

Rest of my life: same old. Hardly see W. We are friendly but there are no signs at all of that she opened her heart just a bit. Having some setbacks these days tho, feeling a bit "too normal", tired and not overly motivated. But That will eventually go away again.

[Complex]

Thought about these feelings. They might also be a gift of God. To a) show me another life b) to show me exactly why and how W is feeling.
I'm just super reflective right now. Maybe because today I'm off and bored as hell too lol...