Alpha One, Alpha All #

[alpha99]

W and I have a mortgage on our house. The sad thing is we were overpaying and in 4.5 years at our rate of repayment would have cleared the mortgage off.

I can't afford to live there alone. Even if I could she would want to be bought out - meaning I would owe her £1,000s W wants to sell but hasn't mentioned anything about it in a few weeks. She wants the cash to fund her new life. I haven't mentioned anything about it in the hope that if things worked themselves out we could resume living there, or even sell up and move somewhere else 'together.'

Our overpayments mean we could go up to three years with incredibly low monthly mortgage repayments. With all other utilities turned off (bar council tax), the house will cost next to nothing to 'maintain' for the foreseeable future.

I think I will give it a few months tops to see how things are panning out. Worse case scenario would be I drag my feet too long, house still gets sold but we have next to no profit because we've eaten up the equity by 'underpaying.'

Throughout our M and time owning the house W has shown ZERO interest in anything bill wise.

[Ontheup]

If you and wife jointly own the home then you both have an obligation to pay for it?
Have you taken any legal advice on this?

[HeavyD]

yes, you need to speak to a d attorney at once.

[twinmom]

******off topic cultural/region question****

In the United States the typical mortgage is 30 years, what is it in the UK?

[Ontheup]

Hey Twin

Similar in the UK. depends how young you are when you buy first house but most people i know are on 20-25 year mortgage

[alpha99]

I haven't sort legal advice. Actually, I think I will reduce the mortgage payments to £5/month for the time being. I will pay that and keep records of her non paying. With other bills cancelled, the council tax would be the only remaining bill - around £90/month. So £95/month all in for the house.

W and I getting on better right now. Timing is crucial. I will bring up finances once we're on slightly surer ground.

I think average mortgage length in the UK is 25 years. We had blasted the balance down to have 4.5 years remaining at the speed we were paying. In reality it should have been 16 years remaining.

Part of W's problem was feeling trapped due to overpaying mortgage. My view was in 4.5 years we'd be mortgage free for the rest of our lives...meaning more holidays/fun times etc. She'd have been 32-33. Having no interest in finances, she wouldn't see the long term plan, just she was missing out now. I countered 11 holidays in 2 years wasn't missing out, plus nights out, cinema and theatre trips, concerts etc etc. In her selective memory none of those things either happened or were any good. They certainly aren't happening for her now. Reality is biting in. She's talking about a 3-4 day UK holiday (weather anyone? Hahaha) this year. Bit of a come down. She can't go on successive nights out, theatre, cinema, socialising events cos she's short on money. Welcome to the real world, now I'm not sorting everything out for her.

[Luis P]

Hi Alpha,

Good that you start keeping record with finances, but do try and take legal advice in terms on what planning you can have as a backup, because you may never know any sudden change from outside influence on your wife.

Have your finances sorted and keep following the GAL and all will be good.

[alpha99]

Thanks Luis for your words of encouragement.

Just come back from cinema with the kids. The end of the film was very sentimental, made me think of W, our family. At times I do want to scream out that I love her. At other times I imagine her being intimate with OM and it scars my soul. Having no children would make a world of difference. But we do, and I wouldn't change that for the world, but I absolutely hate this situation. I'm getting all this out here so I'm cleansed before seeing W tomorrow.

Short respite now before out all afternoon with kids. It's lovely and sunny here. Going to sister's house then park. Gonna have a bit of a party. The kids will love it. I will enjoy the adult company.

I just erased a paragraph of soppy nonesense. I still have bouts of longing for W, tho not as frequent or as intense as before, but I'm trying desperately hard to be responsible for my own happiness.

I am a good person. I plan to display my best aspects as much as possible from now on. This is not for my W, indeed, contact with her is at an all time low frequency. No, this is for me...to be the best person I can be!

[Sotto]

"I just erased a paragraph of soppy nonesense. I still have bouts of longing for W, tho not as frequent or as intense as before, but I'm trying desperately hard to be responsible for my own happiness"

Good for you Alpha. We all feel like this, but it's good to recognise that the frequency and intensity does reduce - and will continue to reduce - as time goes on.

Sounds like you guys are having a good day - enjoy your little ones!

T x

[alpha99]

Thanks toots!

Again, I had started to write a long and meandering post but I'll keep this quite short instead.

I had a great day today with kids. The kids did too. I know I'm their father but I can see how they love me so much in so many of the things they say and do. I am a very, very lucky person.

I will always have my W to thank for giving me two beautiful little human beings.

I felt down at points throughout the day. So many things bring about thoughts of W. I need to work on that. One idea I have is to look into NLP to reframe things. I did look into NLP a few years ago for unrelated reasons but I think it may have some use here for me.

I'm in a lot better place mentally than I was just a few weeks ago. I nearly cried today at one point when I was driving and the kids were asleep. I didn't though. I held it back. It was hard but I did it. I will keep doing it. It WILL get easier.

I was interested to read Starksy's post in Complex's thread about what you might have done that leads your W to fear she is losing you. I guess I haven't done anything. I'm not pursuing now, and I don't want to do things for the sake of 'tactics' or whatever, but it's an interesting point that he makes and something I'll have to think about.

My phone has been on silent so I've missed two calls from W in last 30 minutes or so. The last one was at 10pm. I won't be answering any calls tonight. She's had all day to call. She needs to realise that she can't just access me whenever she feels like. Yes, I do have the kids right now. If there was a problem I'd have contacted her. 10pm is pretty late to be calling anyone I'd say.