new member please help!!!

[overcom]

Today I feel betrayed and decieved. I snopped and saw things I didn't like. I thought we were making progress but I was so wrong. I really want to say something to him but I was advised to really carefully think about what to say and to even write it down. I'm hurt all over again...

[Fogg]

Snooping is a hard lesson to learn. No matter what it only leads to adding to your pain. See something good, and it likely means nothing. See something bad and it just hurts you more. Trust me, just resist it all you can, nothing good can come from it, nothing.

Sorry you found something you didn't like, I can understand the pain. Please try and take care of yourself and resist those expectations also.

[HeavyD]

Hi Depress

I am sorry to see you are here. This is a long journey, believe me I know. You will run into some kind folks here on this Board. Listen to the vets. DB'ing feels counter intuititive and I don't know if it will save your marriage but it will greatly help you and get your self esteem back. That is key to you moving forward and improving your life and who knows, maybe showing your H how fabulous you really are.

Heads up kiddo! I am rooting for you. Please eat and exercise, again, this will be a long ride.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Depress,

I am so sorry you are here, but this is the best place to be, for a lousy reason...

You said you read the "rules" (which are just guides, and only some apply at times) but you are not actually following many of them I'm afraid.

The biggest one is to NOT show your neediness. It is probably real but it's NOT attractive and the thing is, here,


we advise doing what works in the situation and NOT what does Not work even when it seems counter intuitive.

Know what I mean? DBing will improve your life and your relationship to your h.

I don't know if he'll come back AND if the marriage can be saved. But I tried many different approaches and can say one thing confidently: this is the most likely way to save things.

Start with saving yourself however. Your impatience with the situation AND with your medications is indicative of something. Think about it and consider working on that trait, okay?

The best news you can get from a therapist or counselor is that YOU Have issues to work on. B/c if the counselors tell you that you are a perfect wife and made no mistakes, then you would be powerless to change this. You would literally have nothing "to do" to help the situation.

So yes you WANT to know what to work on, inside you.

Time to dig deep and grow as a woman and become a woman only a fool would leave.

If your h were here, what would HE SAY the marital issues were? What do YOU want to change in yourself?

Not to "get him back" - But to become the best woman you can become?

Hi Lorelai,
I read your thread too. im sorry your here too. my husband and i were inseparable. i mean nothing could have stopped us from seeing each other and now he acts like he doesn't care.

I don't get that^^ from him. I get that he feels confused, and better about himself around the OW, and feels crappy around you. As justified as that probably is, it won't get him home. You want him to second guess his perceptions of you so that he second guesses his choice to leave.

No one comes home AND stays, because of shame. So the guilting him will usually backfire b/c it converts into resentment AT the "cause" of the shame or guilt, which will be YOU unfortunately.

MY DB coach said to do some things that were NOT EASY, but they DID WORK.

1) applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does;

2) Lose the anger, in front of him (meaning, do NOT show him your anger, no matter how provoked you feel. Calm at all costs, absent a life threatening matter).

3) Detach, which requires that you --

4) GAL and I mean, for real. Surely there are some things you missed doing once you had kids or always wanted to do. Take up a hobby or class, JOIN something, volunteer, explore, and do this at least weekly.

It'll make you into a more interesting happy person AND you will meet new people who do not all know your situation and you will obese far LESS B/C your mind will be occupied with the new interesting activity and that will be an attracting trait in you.

5) counter his negative images of you with new positives so he begins to see that his "Data" about you is not valid; it's not real. You are a new, improved woman who is far more like the woman he fell in love with. (EX if he said you are 'always late" then you'd become "Ms Punctual" and you'd arrive on time or early for everything).

IF & WHEN he comes home, there will be things YOU need to do ---like never throw the affair in his face, or hold it over his head. IF he fears that, he won't return.
The angrier you are around him. the less likely he'll be to return even if things with OW do not pan out.

So you need to show him that you two could get past this. OF course if the time comes, there will be things he needs to do to get the trust back from you but it goes both ways. And you are not there yet so we don't need to borrow trouble from tomorrow.

Make sense?

Finally, you do need to see a lawyer asap. The spending of marital assets is harmful to you and the kids.

FYI My h's ordeal cost us 6 figures, and we are in our 50's now and that really stinks. We have our youngest off to college soon, and it would have been nice to pay for it out of pocket from an account that wasn't emptied. Eventually I filed for a legal sep in my state to protect the home from being mortgaged for h to "invest" with his heroes in Alaska. I promise you I am not bitter about it - but I am wiser now. And passing that on, to you.

You need DO nothing but get information at this point but knowledge is power.
I found that knowing my rights just made me feel less terrified and that helped my interactions with him b/c some of our anger is really just fear of being on the streets. Even when it is irrational, it's real.

If your h is really spending that much money on OW (hard to believe everything the 3rd party told you mostly b/c it's very unusual for a man to move into OW's PARENT's home and yet be spending a lot on her and not on his own family.)

But if that is true, YOU have to protect your children until he is awakened by the law or his senses, etc. You can do this without anger. It's just business. Let the lawyer handle that stuff bc it's NOT your job to do that. Keep the financial and legal separate from your interactions with him.



everyday when he comes over to see the kids and leaves i break down and cry. how can this happen. i just want my life back my best friend back. i miss him so much and the pain isn't getting any lighter. i stopped taking the meds. i just hated the feeling. but i will retry it since more ppl have told me it works give it time.

Your impatience with the meds is something to work on. It MIGHT not be the right one for you but you won't know til you have given them 4-6 weeks. Stopping before then and then asking why you don't feel better, isn't fair to the meds or to you. Same for this DB program.

Apply ONE approach to your marital crisis so you don't muddle them. If DBing is not for you, then fine.

But I see a lot of folks spinning in circles doing abut 3-4 conflicting approaches that make them look nutty and inconsistent - and then they get upset and say "Nothing is working!!" when in reality - they have tried nothing, well.

Know what I mean?

This marriage crisis is the hardest thing you've ever gone through and i know what you mean. But you will have to imagine the most patience you have ever had with something (Potty training? Algebra??) and then

multiply it by 100...same for your timeline. Check my timeline and prepare for the long haul. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

You seem to think this will get fixed and your life will "come back" in a few weeks or months and you question why why why why WHY he is doing this. (I wasted a year of my life asking that, and it's a year I'll never get back). AND

That question has no "satisfying" answer!!

Work on you - b/c you are the only person in this situation that you control.

When you fully grasp this^^^, it'll be a life changing moment for you. There will be no more attempts to control him.

You may need to release him to his "mission" b/c honey, you are not really holding onto him anyhow.

Make sense?



have been reading the book divorce remedy. I've been going dark, only call or text if its about the kids. when i go out i just want to come home. i dont want to leave my shell. i hate going out cause i see other families together and it hurts more..

I'll make some suggestions about GAL a bit later. Take in what people are telling you.

Seriously...listen, read, and process this. Dig Deep.

Stop focusing on your pain and focus on what you CAN DO.

I've been there. It gets better. When? When you make it better.

And trust me when I say that the news that this is ultimately up to you

is wonderful news. He may not come back. But if he died, would you lay down forever in the fetal position?

FINAL SUGGESTION....an exercise for you to do. Please give this a try. 5 minutes.

Imagine he had died and a few years had passed. The years had passed, and your pain had eased & your life was a fulfilling one.

So you are without him * but you are happy....what would that look like?

Would you move? Where? What type of job would you have? OR would you go back to school first? And study what?

Imagine your new/old hobbies that you are involved in.

What are they? Do you travel much? Are you different than now? How so? Calmer or more focussed? More organized? Less rigid?

Okay so, your h is gone and you are happy...

what of those things can you do NOW?

Your pain is real & deep, but it's not fatal and it's not eternal. It gets better.

I promise.

[25yearsmlc]

Today I feel betrayed and decieved.

That ^^is not really new (the A was a deception and you knew you had been betrayed already)

so there's no point in picking the scab to find new sources of pain. You knew he'd had an affair and was still in one...

If you are not at a point where he's trying to come home (and thus you may want verification of his promises) And if you are not filing for divorce using adultery as grounds (hard to do and most states are no fault)

then what purpose is there in snooping? I have never seen snooping help a situation and that's probably why the DB books are against it. I understand the temptation but it's not healthy or good for you

and it really is time for you to take some of the advice you get.

I snopped and saw things I didn't like. I thought we were making progress but I was so wrong.

You were having expectations and those will get you most every time. Don't let yourself expect anything from him for now.

To emphasize that point some more I'll repeat it. Don't let yourself expect anything form him for now. You're setting yourself up for disappointment now.

Sandi writes about wives who stray but a lot of it applies to men who stray. They don't see your neediness and pain as something they want to be around.

Read those 37 (40?) points again.


I really want to say something to him but I was advised to really carefully think about what to say and to even write it down. I'm hurt all over again...

what purpose is there is confronting him when he's not trying to come home now?

You think he'll want to come home MORE if you confront him? Think again

The time for addressing those disturbing discoveries will come LATER...meanwhile

what are you doing to GAL?
.

[25yearsmlc]

For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL).
Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long LONG winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

[25yearsmlc]

Today I feel betrayed and decieved. I snopped and saw things I didn't like. I thought we were making progress but I was so wrong. I really want to say something to him but I was advised to really carefully think about what to say and to even write it down. I'm hurt all over again...

In case you don't hear this enough, it does get better. The pain isn't forgotten but it gets absorbed and then a lot of it (not all) dissipates,

and if the marriage resumes, forgiveness will need to be asked for from both sides and given freely when asked.

It's not = to saying "I now trust you 100%" but it is vital to begin the process of healing. You can be happy again, with or without h. Your pain won't be eternal IF you don't want it to be. (Someday that will make more sense to you than it does now).

When I faced the painful reality that my pain & anger were consuming ME

and it was making me Less available to my kids,

b/c I was just so preoccupied with it -


I HAD to release the anger. Not for my h! For me and for my kids.


Make sense?

[overcom]

Hi hun I will respond to you tonight. Sorry I haven't had a chance too..

[NLS]

depress

Time to act like nothing he does bothers you and definitely GAL. Think of something you haven't done in a long time and go do it. For me it was dancing last weekend. I was so nervous and headed to the dance club I felt like everything was wrong and I just needed to turn around and go back home and wallow in pity some more. Instead, I met my girlfriend there (probably the main reason I didn't turn around is cause she was meeting me there). She could tell that I was nervous and not relaxing so she bought me a fireball (tastes like a red hot). Helped me to relax and the next thing I know, I'm laughing, dancing, telling jokes, and having a great time. The next day I was in such a great mood that I accepted an invite over to a friends house for an Easter BBQ and that time I wasn't so nervous. I talked, laughed, watched the basketball game (even though I have no clue) and truly enjoyed myself. And the kids, had a blast too at the BBQ. We had an Easter egg hunt and everything was just great. I truly enjoyed myself and it really changed my perspective.

Who wants a mopey down in the dumps kind of person. If you want your man back then you have to start making yourself happy. Happiness comes from doing the things you enjoy and for me that is being social which I had not done in years! Married for over 12 years not once in all those years did I have a girls night out and the last time we went to a BBQ was somewhere back in like 2008 maybe 2009!!!! I'm a social, active, outgoing person but somewhere along the way, I just stopped being ME and instead tried to do everything he wanted and nothing I wanted.

I signed up for this social club this week and I'm currently planning my next outing around when the kids visit him. I can't decide if it will be horseback riding, salsa dancing, mystery dinner theatre, rock climbing, bowling, etc... Just anything but stare at these four walls either at work or at home. I'm not interested in meeting another guy but I am interested in meeting new friends who enjoy doing what I like doing and since I made that decision it has made me happier.

And to top it off I know the husband is noticing. He called me at 4:30 am this morning asked me how I was doing... Yes, he has always been an early morning person but to me that was progress from the man who spent the last two months avoiding me like the plague, filing for divorce, and me relentlessly pursuing to get him to come back. Now just one week after the BD, he calls me at 4:30 AM!!!! And asks how I am doing... Maybe it is progress maybe it isn't. I don't know but I know I'm not going to sit in limbo and see what happens. Maybe he figures it out before the divorce is final and maybe he doesn't. But I'm not going to stop living waiting for him to make that decision.

I waited years for some sort of sign from him that I should do more for him and that failed epically. I should have made the first move a long time ago. BUT in all honest if you are reading DB book and the 7 Steps book then you need to skip to the chapter on ensnaring a WAS... And then start doing it. I am, and I am already feeling much happier in just a week.

So like Nike says... Just do it! Let it go and see if he comes back. If he doesn't then it wasn't you that had a problem it was your spouse for not being able to see the person they married still existed even after all these years.

[overcom]

Hi 25yearsmic

So I read everything a few times. Just to start off I finally found a job and start monday. I'm excited and nervous it's been 5 yrs since I worked. I think this will help me a lot by distracting myself with work and not thinking of him or the situation. I have been hanging out with friends more often then I did before. I truly am working on myself and finding my inner happiness. Yes I'm hurting that he's still not back and I've accepted that I need to work on myself. I have improved from where I was a month ago. I have set up new small goals to begin and would love to reach those goals.
I have stopped snooping. And I never confronted him about the stuff I saw. I just kinda let it go. I do appreciate all the little positives I see. He hugged me the other day and said he missed me and that he'll come home soon. Whatever it meant I appriciated it. I thanked him for all his doings around the house and taking us to costco which he hadn't gone shopping with us in a long time. He has been giving me more money lately so I don't have anything to complain about. The only thing is that he's not home yet. But baby steps and where we are now is awesome and I will continue to doing what I have learned and it really does help me become my old self but 10xs better.