Keep on keeping on

[Wonka]

Heavy,

Please keep in mind that from the very beginning, I strived to keep my interactions with Ms. Wonka respectful, cordial, and polite. I've accomplished it with a great deal of biting my tongue.

I see what you are saying, but this will take me a long time to get there. I don't have a crystal ball and I don't know how long it will take me to get there. Didn't it take you 10 years?

I think you might have confused keeping things respectful with forgiveness. Yep, it's taken me under 10 years to forgive her. However, it took 10 years for Ms. Wonka and I to open up a bit more. It is all in my thread over in the Surviving D forum.

For example, we have tried going to the movies as a family. It is very akward, she keeps a death grip on her phone, and will text on it. Plus does it not confuse the kids when they see us all together?

This is playing "happy" families and you do need to do this Going to the movies...not necessary at all. Only do this type of gathering for special occasions such as the kids' birthdays.

Every interaction with her is filled with either pot shots or strife or just negativity.

At some point, you'll decide to confront those digs and respectfully ask W to stop for they are very rude and disrespectful. You will not be treated in that manner by anyone.

So, no it does not feel honest, loyal or acting with integrity on my part or hers either. I think of her as someone who has an illness, so that does jive with the compassion part.

Just because your W is misbehaving, doesn't neccessarily mean that you ahve to do the same. Stay on the high road. It'll get you far.

The last time we went to eat together, she again threatened to take the children away from me becuase she is a "better" mother" baloney. It was just too much to take. I can't do it.

If it were directed to me, you'd bet your sweet ass that I'd look at her in the eye and say "Really?"

[alpha99]

Your children are the most important things in your life. You may or may not have a future with your W, but you will always have a R with your children. Show them what a good role model does. We all know it is hard but if your W at the very minimum would like to do things for the sake of your children then, if it was me, I would be willing to try and at least be cordial in that situation to show the children your inner strength.

I am in no way saying to be soft, be a doormat, or put up with rude behaviour here. It would seem you would have to set out some boundaries - maybe no phone usage to OM in front of the children, clearly designated activities with a start and end etc. It does sound like your W is filled with anger. I think setting boundaries and taking appropriate action (such as leaving mid way through an activity should she cross a boundary) when necessary would be a good way to go. You may find your W begins to show you some more respect, and this could go a long way to helping your children have some 'family' time together.

[Miman2]

Every interaction with her is filled with either pot shots or strife or just negativity.

At some point, you'll decide to confront those digs and respectfully ask W to stop for they are very rude and disrespectful. You will not be treated in that manner by anyone.

So, no it does not feel honest, loyal or acting with integrity on my part or hers either. I think of her as someone who has an illness, so that does jive with the compassion part.

Just because your W is misbehaving, doesn't neccessarily mean that you ahve to do the same. Stay on the high road. It'll get you far.

The last time we went to eat together, she again threatened to take the children away from me becuase she is a "better" mother" baloney. It was just too much to take. I can't do it.

If it were directed to me, you'd bet your sweet ass that I'd look at her in the eye and say "Really?"

Would this be a good place to set some boundaries?

I'm trying to figure out the whole boundaries thing myself, but it seems to me (in my naiveté) that if your W is being rude or threatening then some well placed boundaries might help.

[Miman2]

Oops, lol Alpha posted while I was still typing. XD

[HeavyD]

Dear Alpha

That is a good one. My WW respecting boundries. I remember when we were on a family trip to DC and we invited her Mom along for the fun. My WW and her got into a huge two day long argument that culminated with the MIL leaving on on the tour bus alone, riding around all day and then leavig early on the flight. It was awful to see the two of them go at each other. The kids and I just shut each other off in the bedroom and watched TV.

Now I see so much of that interplay directed at me. You know the old saying, look at how your spouse treats your mom becuase that's how they are going to treat you. So true.

So, for setting boundries, I will try but so far every effort has been a FAIL. She is very entitled and my therapist says she is emotionally immature.

I will try.

[HeavyD]

Last night I bought a trampoline for the backyard. I figured it would be great exercise and FUN for the kids and myself. We could just jump away our blues!

The trampoline has a good safety net and zips up so no one call fall out and has paddig around the side so no feet sleep through the springs section.

Kids were jumping and of course my S9 does a cannonball and knocks his knee into his nose Of course it starts to bleed, I scoop him up, tilt his headback, apply pressure, get the ice pack and do all the things a good Mom would do. The bleeding stopped, he wanted to drink lemondade 5 minutes later and was watching his movies ten minutes later. He then wanted to go backon the trampoline for more jumping.

I am proud of the way I handled myself and my son. I could do it on my own. I did not freak out, I did not call my WW, I just did what I had to do, and you know what, it was OK.

I can counting that as a baby step to independance and more confidence.

My S9 is back at school today, his nose looks fine, and is a little sore. I will keep an eye on it if it swells or looks broken.

That is all.

[Zephyr]

Great work heavy!!! Good idea with the trampoline.
it is a lot of fun, injuries with the kids will happen, my S10 can barely walk without falling down some days.

[HeavyD]

So it's my week with my lovely kids.

I pick them up from school, we have supper, homework, bathtime, and get ready for the next day. Nothing earth shattering, just the usual life of a "single mom".

My WW calls every night now, usually 2-3 times per evening. I usually let it go to voice mail. Last night she called 4 times to talk to kids and ask them questions about their day etc...

After the 4th call, I picked up and she said "May I talk to the kids?" I gave the phone to the each of the children and say "Momma is on the phone" and they talked briefly. After they were finished I hung up. We don't talk at all. It is of course akward to say the least. Maybe I should just let the kids answer the phone even though when it rings, they act oblivious and make no attempt to answer it.

Question to the forum:

Should I use these phone calls to talk more to her, ask her about her day, what's going on, how she is doing etc... Am I missing a opportunity to reconnect with her?

As she is deeply entrenched with AP and we are actively in the D process, I am unsure how to interact. She never asks any questions or me. Should I ask her any? I just don't want to miss any opportunity to dialog with her to build and possible bridges.

Thoughts?

[Underdog]

Should I use these phone calls to talk more to her, ask her about her day, what's going on, how she is doing etc... Am I missing a opportunity to reconnect with her?

LOL, you have the 2 extremes down pat, Heavy. Let's swing that pendulum to somewhere in the middle, okay?

I'd say, go ahead and talk to her, but instead thank her for putting the kids as a priority and let her know that they appreciate it. Keep it short and end the call like you would if you were at work.

Is this a house phone or your cell phone?

If it's the house phone, I'd tell the kids, whoever is closest to the phone when it rings go ahead and answer it. Use it as a teaching opportunity to teach phone etiquette as well as the importance of taking messages. If it's your mobile, it's your responsibility to answer it unless you are tied up and you specifically give your kids permission to pick it up. Then YOU use the opportunity to practice talking about things that aren't going to lead you to backsliding or bad places.

I think this would be a good place to start building bridges or at least maintaining them.

[HeavyD]

This is the house phone. She calls the house phone because she things we are home in the evening, which we usually are. Last night however, we were in the back yard.

Can I tell you how hard it is to "talk" with her? Almost every interaction is with her negative and she berates me about something and also the fact that I am just so hurt and grieving by her actions of her dismissal of me and our marriage and family.

I guess it's a combination of all three. It feels like we are at a log jam,

1). I can't get over her ongoing betrayal
2). She can't or won't understand my upset reaction
3). She refuses to stop seeing her AP and has left "us/"me" for the AP.

So that leaves a lot of middle ground. It feels so forced to say "so how was your day?"

Maybe I will try to break it down into smaller chunks.

Me - "Hello"

Her - "Can I speak to the kids?"

Me - "Sure, hold on while I get them, bye"

Maybe we can build up something from there.