Keep on keeping on

[HeavyD]

Thanks - yeah - doing it for the kids. They don't deserve to be left out of Easter just because of the situation. I know that we are doing the right thing and my ww is lost physically spiritually and methaphorocally.

Get your courage up and get out of the house. It's a beautiful Spring Day and the birds are singing to you.

[HeavyD]

Pretty good day with kiddos.

We threw the football in the yard, hard ice cream at the parlor, had brunch with friends and church and easter eggs. All in all a good day.

Then on my answer machine a message to my kids from you know who. We had discussed and agreed to not calling during the weeks that each of us had the kids. The kids could of course can call or text.

I did not call back.

[HeavyD]

Well today is 6 months when my WW moved out. 6 long moths, many tears and many emotions later.

Due to ths situation, we are not friendly, do not talk, share kids only when we don't have to see each other, keep the interaction to a minimum, etc...

For ma, I am meeting new friends, have made a couple, have hosted several sleep overs at my house, hired an attorney, work out, have read many support books on this subject such as DB, DR, and ... I have gotten an IC and see them weekly, and a shrink and now belong to a weekly divorce support group. My question is when does all of this become too much. It feels like my life has been taken over by this divorce and I am starting to resent it. We talked about the new normal in my last IC meeting and while that was hard to hear, I accept it.

Still get bad pangs of longing but not as frequently now, it's usually in the mornings. I wish my WW would just leave and move to the other city when the AP is and just get out of my hair. My s9 now tells me that it's OK to lie and that one person just can't satisfy all the needs of another. That really hurt and I sat him down and said that we are not the kind of people who lie, cheat or steal, period. I also said that is what marriage is for one person. If you don't believe that don't get married. I wonder where he is getting these ideas from? Hmmm...

Jeez.

[HeavyD]

I think the worst part about all of this is when I got my Dear Jane letter. She said she missed our family life, family time spent with the kids, but not me and not our relationship. She hopes we can be friends and do things as a family "like we used to". She just can't "not love the other person".

I just don't have that in me to do. I know that may sound selfish on my part, but I am still in such pain that I can't be anywhere near her. Maybe in time I can ovecome this, but for now, no.

That about sums it up.

I welcome folks to chime in - Am I being as asshat by refusing to play nicely?

[Wonka]

Heavy,

It seems that many LBSes go through cycles of grief, anger, sadness, and resentment. Perfectly understandable.

Am I being as asshat by refusing to play nicely?

How does that question square up with your core principles?

How does that make you feel?

[HeavyD]

Hi Wonka

It makes me feel sad.

I am sad for the kids, sad for my broken family, sad that she has chosen this path for us and it causes me great pain to be around her knowing how she lies to me and our children about what she is doing.

So, all in all it just feels bad and that I am being manipulated ...again.

My core priciples are:

honesty
loyalty
integrity
compassion

Where does that leave me? I think it leaves me feeling OK about my decision about not wanting to play happy family, as much as that blows.

It also tells me I am still not detached.

[Wonka]

My core priciples are:

honesty
loyalty
integrity
compassion

Where does that leave me? I think it leaves me feeling OK about my decision about not wanting to play happy family, as much as that blows.

One can continue standing with these princples without pretending to play "happy" families. Does not mean you have to act like an ass...just polite and cordial. Not best buds. See?

It can be done.

[HeavyD]

I see what you are saying, but this will take me a long time to get there. I don't have a crystal ball and I don't know how long it will take me to get there. Didn't it take you 10 years?

For example, we have tried going to the movies as a family. It is very akward, she keeps a death grip on her phone, and will text on it. Plus does it not confuse the kids when they see us all together?

It's just such as mess Wonka and it makes me feel so terrible when I see her. Every interaction with her is filled with either pot shots or strife or just negativity. My kids are so confused, I am still very upset and raw.

So, no it does not feel honest, loyal or acting with integrity on my part or hers either. I think of her as someone who has an illness, so that does jive with the compassion part.

The last time we went to eat together, she again threatened to take the children away from me becuase she is a "better" mother" baloney. It was just too much to take. I can't do it.

[Cadet]

It also tells me I am still not detached.

It really is the hardest thing to do.


It takes TIME

And sometimes it can be compared to peeling an onion,
it has lots of layers.

So keep peeling them off.

[Kramer]

I'm not sure why you should be expected to take her pot shots or rude comments. I agree with trying to do what's best for the family and children, and to be the bigger person, but it doesn't sound like she is willing to do that. That seems toxic and counterproductive to me.

Lord knows I am too new to this to give expert advice, but would it be appropriate to pull her aside and have a respectful one on one conversation with her, letting her know that you both need to be respectful to each other in front of your children?

It's amazing how much our spouses change during this process, isn't it?