Alpha One, Alpha All #

[alpha99]

W has called twice this morning. I answered the second time and put the kids straight on the phone. After she asked them if they were 'ok with daddy' I spoke to her briefly. She had nothing to say, seemed to hang on the phone slightly more than normal too. The one interesting comment she made was how it was strange not to have the kids with her waking her up early morning. I thought to myself 'well, get used to it love.' She said I didn't sound happy (I'm just tired, haven't slept well) and that was that.

I have a busy day planned with the kids; visit relatives, go to the park, and a trip out this afternoon somewhere nice in the car with them.

I'm focused on the kids and being in the moment but like all of us here, I never dreamt this would be our lives. It just doesn't seem right.

[alpha99]

I've had a great day with the kids.

We visited relatives where the kids played on a trampoline. Afterwards we went out for the afternoon, which included playing in a park, going into an amusement arcade, having an ice cream as the weather was really lovely, and having a little go on the fair. The kids really enjoyed themselves. We came back, had tea, and went to the park for another kick about with the football. The kids went to bed thoroughly excited about the Easter Bunny coming. I had to explain how the Easter Bunny might not bring all the eggs to one place like he normally does but instead he might be confused and take some to mummy as well. They are excited about double eggs!

At points throughout the day I have thought about W. As I was driving out the kids fell asleep, I was thinking about them, how beautiful they are, how I will do everything I can to see they aren't affected by things, but at the same time I was thinking about the empty passenger seat next to me, and about how we would have previously enjoyed a great family day out on such a lovely spring day as we've had today. Maybe those days will never come again. Who knows? These thoughts don't dominate they day but they do cross my mind. Maybe because it is Easter tomorrow. Maybe because it was such a nice day today. I was going to write how I have been an awful lot better in recent weeks, having not cried in about two weeks (that I remember). However, out of the blue right before bed my D asked if mummy could come out with us next time 'so that we are all together.' I put the kids to bed and shed a little tear after I said goodnight to them. My children are beautiful. I know I speak as a proud father. I hope whatever comes next at least W and I never forget that and act accordingly.

[alpha99]

I felt quite reflective last night, as my previous post indicates. As it is for all of us, it is difficult to get your head around the fact that as it stands your M is over. It's doubly difficult with children and ferrying them back and forth between parents. Sometimes I think of twinmom's posts that say 'Your W fired you as her H' and it really does strike a chord.

This morning was taken over by the kids being excited about the Easter Bunny coming of course. My S woke up first and wanted to climb into bed with me to cuddle. They were made up with their Easter eggs - absolutely thrilled in fact. It was wonderful to see the joy on their faces, particularly when my D remarked that 'the Easter Bunny is magic.'

Beautiful memories can still be made in the hardest of times.

Upon the 15 minute or so drive to MIL's house the kids kept asking could they go and see if the Easter Bunny had been to their mum's house. We have to pass W's house on the way to MIL's. I parked around the corner and called W to see if the kids could pop in and check for eggs. W ended up coming out with the eggs in a bag and went with me and the kids to her MIL's about a mile away. She was focused on the kids of course and they were excited about more potential eggs. They showed off the eggs I had allowed them to bring with them. W was smiley and upbeat, as was I.

At one point when the kids were laughing and happy we looked at each other and she had a warm smile on her face. I was smiling too. I could be completely wrong but it seemed a split second connection over our children. In the couple of minute's drive to MIL's the kids mainly spoke about yesterday's activities with me. W talked about some potential child related activities over the school summer holiday period. She was quite friendly and nice. No attitude problem, no anger or animosity. If I look back at old messages she had sent me from about 5-6 weeks ago there are some that say 'I hate you', 'drop kids off at door and be civil, that's it' kind of thing. I certainly don't think she hates me now.

She was fiddling about with the bag of Easter eggs and as she leaned over slightly I noticed that she smelt my aftershave. As I focused on driving and being cool, I noticed her glancing across looking at me once or twice, before repeating the bag fiddling and sniffing.

Once at MIL's, W and kids went ahead whilst I got bags out of the car. MIL was at the door, and strangely was smiling and waving hello at me. I handed bags over to W at the door, who said thank you, kissed the kids goodbye, and said goodbye to W and MIL before leaving.

Luckily for me there is a big sports event on today (on TV for around 5 hours) which will keep me occupied. Otherwise I fear I might have felt low considering it's Easter Sunday and I'm without the kids. I left them safe in the knowledge that they had a fantastic time with me. My son kept saying 'I love you Daddy' throughout our time together. That warmed my heart. My D is still too young to understand things but she is an incredibly happy little girl. We had the better day for the weather anyway. Yesterday was a lovely spring day. Today is cold and foggy here.

I think I am striking the right balance now. Of course it would be the wrong thing to do to be cold and aloof with W. Equally it would be wrong to continue pursuing or being overly friendly. I'm holding back on conversation with her a lot, only initiating now and again. She is making conversation with me slightly more. It is virtually always child related. I'm being friendly and polite when she does speak to me. I try to avoid topics that would result in arguments. Since Tuesday, when she had a sudden turnaround and started being nice, I think we have only had one minor disagreement on the phone. That was over child arrangements when MIL was messing about.

I see zero signs of anything remotely R related appearing. However, I am aware this is going to be a long slog and any change should not be expected - in the short or long term. I am GAL and valuing the time spent with my children more than ever. I am trying to be the best person I can be.

From R perspective with W, I would imagine at some point her A, should it continue, would have to come out into the open (I don't think her parents know about her continued contact, certainly her workmates don't). At that point things might flourish or the warts and all might start to show through. He's about 43, pot belly, 'won't commit', and surely isn't going to want two young, incredibly active children about. I'm think the gloss would wear off. Not that I'm hanging around waiting for that to happen. I can't 'move on' in the sense of finding someone else because I am still married, still want to reconcile with my W, still want to have our family together again. However, I am no longer hanging around in the sense of waiting for her to wake up and reality hit home. I am living my life the best I can right now, with only one eye on things to see how they're developing. I know my posts here are sitch focused (that's the point of this board surely), but I do feel more distance emotionally between what she does and doesn't do and how I respond. Lovingly detached I believe it's called.

Happy Easter everyone!

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha

From your post today, I think you've found your DBing groove. I would carry on just as you are with W, but keep focusing on building up new things for yourself outside of your M. I think your interactions with your W sound much better now, but focus on building up your GAL too, so that you have your own friends and activities.

The other challenge I think is to manage impatience and frustration - which are DB enemies. Once you have found your 'groove' I think time and patience are the watchwords. You are still feeling heartened by your W's change and things she may be noticing, but settle yourself in for the long haul here...it's best if you can get to a place where you don't worry too much about what W may think or notice. That takes time, but it's a good direction of travel.

The other thing to think about is your 'judgement' of W in some of your recent posts. Zues posted something recently about this, which struck a chord with me. You may want to have a read and ponder this too. Of course I'm no vet and these are just my 0.2s.

Have a happy Easter! T :-)

[Luis P]

Hi Alpha

I am happy your focusing now in the right path and as Toots suggest it takes time to build a relationship. Bridges when broken can be rebuilt and the same goes with wounds.

Good you had a fantastic time with your children glad to read your post.

Have a happy Easter and keep us updated.

[alpha99]

Argh I just wrote a long post but the computer crashed. I'll keep this one shortish.

Toots,

Happy Easter. Thanks for your comments. I know you're right. I've got to work on not judging W. I hope I've found my DBing groove. I think you're touching on detachment if I'm still getting enthused over W's change in behaviour. I do suffer from frustration but it is mainly fleeting. I believe I'm patient enough to see this through, that's not to say I don't get impatient at times.

Luis,

Thanks for your post! Happy Easter. You make good, concise comments regarding rebuilding Rs and time healing wounds. I hope that turns out to be the case.

W called me just before to arrange child care over the next few days. As the phone rang and I saw it was her calling, I thought to myself, answer it (it's Easter), be upbeat and happy sounding, try and find something to agree on - anything - and finally end the call first.

I did all of that. Firstly I spoke to the kids. They were excited with having received more eggs throughout the day. S6 came on the phone and I could hear him asking W if he could ask me something. It turns out he wants to share his favourite Easter eggs with me. It's good to know I'm not forgotten by the kids when I'm not there.

W was friendly throughout. After speaking to the kids we spoke for a moment or two. I made a comment about how the kids sounded like they'd had a good Easter. She agreed. She said she hadn't given them too many eggs so that they didn't get sick. Normally, at this point, I would lecture on how too much chocolate is bad for them etc. This time however I just agreed that she was doing a good thing. I was upbeat throughout. I ended the call first.

I have the kids all day Tuesday and overnight. Probably later in the week too for the odd night here and there. I feel quite happy with myself at the moment. Maybe a page hasn't turned in our R, but I certainly feel a change in myself. As for GAL activities, I have the following planned as a minimum:

Go to the gym three times this week.
Take up offer of staying over one night at relatives this week.
Go to Italian meet up.
Continue job writing hobby.
Go to planned comedy meetup event in the next week or so.
Continue taking regular walks around local park.
Contact old friends to plan something for this week.
Start work again tomorrow.

There will of course be plenty of difficulties ahead but I feel I'm in a much better place emotionally to deal with them from now on.

[alpha99]

For pretty much the first time since BD, W has contacted me over something non essential. She sent me a picture message that I couldn't see due to my phone settings. Here's what transpired next via text:

W: Did well didn't they?
M: I can't see your picture. Could you email it to me please?
W: Yes of course.
M: Thank you.

I receive email with pic attached of kids' Easter eggs stacked up.

M: They've done very well with their eggs. I'm sure they'll enjoy working their way through those
W: Oh yes prob take about 6 months not eating all that chocolate they would be ill!
M: Haha S6 would have it for breakfast, dinner, tea if he could...and in his packed lunch.
W: Ohh he has tried not succeeded.
M: I bet he has...little monkey.

I tried to keep things short, tried not to deviate into other topics, tried to be friendly but not pursue. I hope I did alright.

[Starsky309]

Alpha, you are doing really well -- I agree, you are finding your "groove" here and these techniques (validating, avoiding R talks, etc.) are becoming more second-nature to you. Like "muscle memory" in sports.

Keep up the good work!


Starsky

[alpha99]

I've had a funny day today. After text exchange this morning with W, I went out in car with sister for a nice walk nearby, watched some sport on TV this afternoon, and went out for an hour long late afternoon walk by myself. The Bank Holiday here today meant no work for me. I will restart that on Wednesday now.

Living with my parents is getting me down. It's like being in a retirement home. They mean well but are very little help besides making endless cups of tea. I am grateful I can stay here for free but I do not like it. I can't afford to do anything about it at the moment.

I'm going to contact water and energy suppliers tomorrow to get them cut off back at home. That will save money. W has not paid a penny towards her share of bills towards OUR house since she left. I've mentioned it on a few occasions and she has made nice sounding noises but ultimately has done nothing to pay me. That's something on the horizon that's going to rock the boat a bit.

The day's been funny in that when I get quiet moments I think of W. I am practicing self control a great deal better these days though. I do have pangs of missing W intensely and wanting to reach out to say I love her etc. Of course I'm not going to do that. That would be crazy at this point. The hardest part today has been out on my walks and seeing families enjoying the sunshine together. At those moments I do wonder what W must think should she be in the same situation. Does a WAW miss those moments or are they so wrapped up in themselves that they don't give it a thought? The probable answer to that just seems so, so crazy to me.

I have the kids all day tomorrow. I have lots of things planned with them. We are going to spend the night at my sister's house. Other relatives staying over too. We are going to have a drink or two and a bit of a party. It should be fun and a good distraction from everything.

So, gym tomorrow morning, pick kids up, spend day with them, go to sister's later on and stay over. Wed: work and then Italian meet up. Thurs: Have kids all day and then maybe pub quiz in evening. Fri: Work with nothing planned just yet. Sat: Kids again. Throw in gym here and there when I can along with the joke writing hobby I'm trying to develop and some Italian practice.

I need to stay busy, busy, busy to keep my mind off W. I still think about her too much. I need to keep busy in order to detach. I need to make new friends. Hopefully the meetup scene will help with that.

[Sotto]

Alpha, without checking back, what's the situation with your house? Do you own it or rent it? And would it not be possible for you to return there?

I lived with my parents for 5 months after BD and was glad to get my own place again. My Mum has dementia and Dad looks after her full time - it's hard work! But it was nice to help them for a while - and it's good now to be independent again.