If this were me, I would review the position with each person involved. Clarify the expectations of teachers, principle, students. Perhaps the expectations were too high, too soon? Perhaps you need extra/different resources.
What went right, what went wrong. What can easily be changed.
Examine a plan, ask for help from a more experienced 'safe' teacher to assist you to put that together and help for you to decide what you might prefer. Even if you leave or get asked to move to a different role or are let go then it will be clearer to you where the problem areas are. No one wins a battle single handed.
If you would like to discuss specific issues then I can suggest and feedback and there is so much expertise here on the board to provide a balanced view.
Mad, you got this! V
I wanted to address this separately from my marriage issues. I am going to approach the principal on Tuesday when I hand her my new plans. I want to see if what I did over break is closer to what she had in mind. My biggest concern is that I won't be able to implement it. But I will do my best. Also, I clocked about 15 hours to getting those plans done. I hope that is something i can manage going forward. It also requires a lot of delegating to my TAs which is tough for me. I have everything written out as best I could and all I can do is hope for the best. i really hope the anticipation of returning to work is worse than what the reality will be when I get there on Tuesday.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I just reread Sandi's rules for the gazillionth time and yes I have been breaking every single one of them. Before I knew about OW it seemed to come so easy. The backsliding, is there any way to ever recover from that? How did we flip flop places so badly. He was the broken one last year, and I was the rock--the stable one. Now things have reversed. I hate being on this side of it.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I think for my own sanity I have to go dark. I lost sight of what is controlling behavior and what is boundaries and parental rights. My kids have been put in the middle because ow is a part of their lives separate from him. And I feel like they are manipulating the situation, but maybe I'm just muddying everything altogether. I have to let go. Every time she gets involved I lose my mind a little. And she isn't going away. She drives my daughter home from school without consulting me. She tells him she doesn't want me dropping my own daughter off at her house. She arranged play dates with him without them consulting me and without my daughter even knowing. And when I find out I handle it really badly. If she would just disappear I think I might feel sane again.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
If this were me, I would review the position with each person involved. Clarify the expectations of teachers, principle, students. Perhaps the expectations were too high, too soon? Perhaps you need extra/different resources.
What went right, what went wrong. What can easily be changed.
Examine a plan, ask for help from a more experienced 'safe' teacher to assist you to put that together and help for you to decide what you might prefer. Even if you leave or get asked to move to a different role or are let go then it will be clearer to you where the problem areas are. No one wins a battle single handed.
If you would like to discuss specific issues then I can suggest and feedback and there is so much expertise here on the board to provide a balanced view.
Msd, you got this! V
I wanted to address this separately from my marriage issues. I am going to approach the principal on Tuesday when I hand her my new plans. I want to see if what I did over break is closer to what she had in mind. My biggest concern is that I won't be able to implement it. But I will do my best. Also, I clocked about 15 hours to getting those plans done. I hope that is something i can manage going forward. It also requires a lot of delegating to my TAs which is tough for me. I have everything written out as best I could and all I can do is hope for the best. i really hope the anticipation of returning to work is worse than what the reality will be when I get there on Tuesday.
Can I suggest you present the plans as draft and ask for feedback?
Especially on the implementation, you were specially selected for the project, it needs adjusting and you have reflected, taken the hit and adjusted. Sounds good to me. What is not to like. If you want to move on then your references will be excellent too.
Keep posting msd and you will get there. This is an issue you can really manage, I can sense you can. Even if this is not for you then ultimately this is a real achievement.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The problem is that the plans are for the week I get back. There isn't time for feedback until after the fact which might help going forward but coming up with a weeks worth of plans for 4 different levels individualized for 8 students each week is so overwhelming especially when I keep being told to change how I am planning. I have a back up plan in mind for if I end up getting let go, I will probably resign at the end of the contract year to avoid being let go. This stress is too much for me. That made me feel a little bit better to know I have a plan b.
As far as h and OW I ended up sending an email to her. Not sure if it was appropriate to do it, but I feel like it will allow me to move on. ----------------------------------------------------------- Ow: I realize that both of us might be being fed false information and this email is in no way meant to be accusatory, but just to clear the air for the sake of my children. H mentioned that you were not comfortable with me driving my daughter to your house for a play date that neither I nor d knew was planned. I'm not sure if this is true or not and it might just be a matter of my husband using you as a means to hurt me. If it is true I want to assure you that your relationship with my husband is not my concern as long as it is kept separate from my children. I ask, as their mother, that I be included in any plans and correspondence regarding them. As their mother I will be involved with their education and play dates and as a result you and I will have contact. If this is a problem for you then we need to address it directly.
I am certain that this situation has probably been blown out of proportion by second-hand information, but if I am to believe what I have been told I want to assure you that I do not wish to cause you harm or discomfort, or to interfere with our daughters' friendship or my son's relationship with you as his teacher. However, excluding me from these important aspects of their lives is unacceptable to me, as is exposing them to relationships that they should not have to accept at this point in time.
Going forward please understand that you and I will have contact and if you have any issues or concerns about that I ask that you address it with me directly. Thank you. ---------------------------------------------------
It might have been a huge mistake to send that but part of me likes that she got to hear my concerns and not his spin. I gave him the heads up that I sent her an email as I know she will share it with him. I told him before that I needed to talk to her about her avoidance of me and he told me to go ahead. So it isn't done behind his back although he might have been bluffing.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Spoke to OW. The strangest conversation ever. I probably opened up too much but it is clear that he is as honest with her about thjbgs as he is with me. That makes me both satisfied and upset because clearly their relationship was so much more than I ever knew. I feel like such a fool and I think she was a little surprised to find out we were sexually involved with each other up until a few months ago. The nature of their relationship is still unclear but the fact that she was trying to convince me to move on and I said that I have but I will not leave the home until it makes sense for me and the kids and if he wants out so bad he would have left. She keeps defending him staying and acting like I am not accepting the fact that my marriage is over. So him staying is protecting himself legally but me staying is being unable to let go? I said that I was willing to wait out his midlife crisis and that I allowed myself to be pulled back in by him too many times but the infedelity is something I can't over look. She niether denied or admitted but I am pretty sure this is a romantic relationship now. She seemed a little shaken about our physical relationship. I didn't go into details but it is clear that she thinks of him as hers at this point and was surprised he was not being honest with her. I made it clear that I need to be included in plans and details regarding my kids and that they need to keep their relationship separate from them at least until our divorce is final. it is so odd that she thinks it is my responsibility to end the marriage. Is he dragging his heels too much for her taste.
Anyway my anxiety has been beyond anything I ever experienced. Even before the phone call. I went to a med station and my blood pressure was so high they sent me to the ER. I was given Xanax and I have some therapists that I am calling. When I was talkkng to the social worker he was surprised about how twisted my life is right now. i hope that the therapist can help me untangle this mess and help me identify where the boundaries are and what I need to just let go of.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I contacted my husbands POW and there was a big backlash by H. Nasty stuff but it killed the starting R stone dead. Potential OW is now a Casual Friend of mine. H had been lying to her.
Intel never hurts in my book.
If your physical R with your H is a surprise then it's an A. This is a very brazen OW with a man who leaves her to tackle the issues. OW will get fed up of it and frankly she is nasty so the minimum of info from you to her. OW is someone to stay away from. The POW in my case decided that as H had lied to her she would cease contact with him and she has. No contact for 6 weeks and CF has invited me for coffee since twice! My H said in a conversation repeated to me that he did not want a D as he did not want his then (different) OW having 'ideas'.
So this particular OW of your H lacks morals and is the 'boss' type. Just let your H get on with his horrid affair. If you have been exposed to any risk of infection, please get tested. OW wants you to let go because your H clearly hasn't done so. Let them get on with the A and it will run its unpleasant course.
I am glad you have a work plan, even if you can not get immediate feedback, I believe it would still be helpful to ensure that you present your plans and ask for feedback. That way all concerned know that you are working on improvement. Well done for stepping up to the challenge, this can not have been easy. Let us know. Behind you all the way Msd.
Your sitch is one of the toughest here and I admire the way you are up to the challenges and taking action. Despite your anxiety and that is wonderful to hear. Brave too, anxiety is a real tough challenge on its own.
Sending you all the love and support I can
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/07/1512:04 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Work went very well. Since taking the Xanax I started feeling like myself again. At first I thought that maybe just being back in the throws of thing was enough to make my anxiety subside, but I realized that the feeling start coming back right around the time I am supposed to take my next dose. Hopefully this a temporary necessity. I hate taking medicine, even the baby asprin I'm supposed to take once a day annoys me and I never do it.
I handed in my plans but the principal didn't really have a time to look it over. At the end of the day I checked in with her and let her know the day went pretty well, although Tuesdays usually do go smoothly. She took a quick look and I told her a few areas that still have me stumped and she gave me some suggestions.
I have some work to do to prepare for the meetings on Friday, but the Xanax has pretty much elminated the paralyzing feeling I was having and instead now I just experience a more appropriate wave of urgency and uncertainty that comes with deadlines and new experiences rather than the extreme panic.
I still seem to be sucking at the going dark piece of this. But I spoke to a therapist today and I feel like I am getting the perspective back that I had before I found out about OW. Why the hell am I with this man? Poor thing is going to fall apart once this is all done because he can barely manage life. I forgot all about that part. I have behaved very badly, but what it all comes down to is that he is not worth it. However, I am not going to complicate my life for his convenience. Once the timing is good for me I will make my move. Unless he actually takes some initiative for once in his life and actually gets it done.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Mustard seed, I'm glad Vanilla is showing up for you. She is wise and you should listen to her.
I want to add, however, that you must not have a stiff neck about meds. They aren't necessarily forever. You're in a tight, tight place. Meds are grease to get you through. Once the tight place has passed (and you will know when that has happened) then you can re-evaluate what you need.
That includes the baby aspirin. Empower yourself. Care for yourself. This is a B.F.D., normal rules do not apply.
Hugs.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thank you. Right now I am definitely going to continue the Xanax. I am practicing as much self control as possible to avoid trying to have a conversation with him this morning. Why do I always feel the need to talk.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
