One step at a time. That is all you can do here. Frustration is normal. You are doing great. Seriously, you are doing really well. This is tough stuff.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I think at times we all are where you are right now. I know I am dealing with some anger and other emotions right now. To me, the hardest part is that we are going through this alone. No matter who we talk to we eventually come to those times when we are alone and realize it. We keep getting our hopes up when they seem to be coming around only to have them dashed again. I am sure that you, like me, like most others here at times just want to get in the car and drive away. Just get away from it and never come back. We don't, but wish to. I feel that working through this is the price we will pay to get stronger and become the person we should be. Eventually we will set it aside and that will be that.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
You have been given great advice, I know you will hold onto it and use when ready. The anger, you must work on letting go as soon as possible, it will destroy you not H and her. So feel it but then direct it to something else, like get angry and clean the house, run, jog, or allow the anger for 5 min, then force yourself to smile and laugh.
I cannot truly imgaine the hurt and anger you must feel. We all here have same and different situations and different reactions.
I just dont want to see your anger stop you in your tracks, keep moving forward.
It's not easy, but it will get better, each day will be better and even emtionals set backs will not last as long.
hang in MIGHTY and remeber you name you are MIGHTY!!!!!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I feel like I am living in purgatory. A land of nothingness. My former life is over. My eternal happiness isn't promised. It isn't here. It is still out of reach. Now I am doing the work. In a place I don't belong and can't stay. Paying for my sins. Rectifying my mistakes. Hoping to one day cross over. Can I?
Thanks, you guys. Thank you so much for sticking by me. Supporting me. Encouraging me.
I'm OK. And the anger- it doesn't consume me. At all. I just get some flashes once in awhile. They pass fairly quickly. But, haven't had it in a couple of days. I think when there are events that happen, I tend to cycle a little bit more. Vacation and coming back, made me spin a little. But, I think I get in a routine of nothingness... but it's not a great routine. One I am trying to break out of.
I haven't slept since I have been back from vacation. It's been a week. I get 2-3 hours per night. But, I think I will be able to break that this weekend. Fingers crossed.
The past 2-3 days have been a little better. I feel I am breaking free. My feelings are starting to change. I don't want to talk about xh at all. I don't want to think about him, deal with him. I want no part of it. D14 has brought him up a couple of times. I listen to her, for her, but I don't want to here about him. Once she says what she needs to say, I try to talk about something else so I can get it out of my mind quickly.
I completed the forms today for changing the deed and the tax forms. I was proud of myself. I had to make a couple of calls to get the right information. I downloaded directions to help me. And I didn't have to pay a lawyer! Now, I need to get them to xh to have him sign them. Ugh. But, I am sure he will notice my name change on them!
S18 still hasn't spoken to him. I think he blocked him. Xh was getting really short w d14 last night via text. VERY immature and pouting. (one of the things she told me about him). Just weird and.... weird. So immature. I think he is feeling out of control again with my kids. He thought maybe this time they would go along with his shenanigans? Apparently. And he does not like that they have opinions of their own about him and his sitch... he knows deep down that its wrong.. I know this, which he has no ground to stand on. And throws a temper tantrum then comes back like it didn't happen. Ick. not even going to get into it anymore. Over it.
Went to my brothers a little bit tonight. Was going to stay longer but had to bring s18's friend home. I have realized a lot of things. Things that are deep, personal, spiritual. Mistakes I've made. Changes I've made. Not just behavioral changes, which are superficial... like, I shouldn't do that anymore. But, awakenings. And it's like, once you reach a certain point, the digging deeper becomes a little easier. It triggers another realization. Makes another impact and change. It's good stuff.
I still get sad. At the beginning of the week, I was having daily breakdowns in the shower. It's my place of inner reflection? Who knows, but I was OK starting yesterday. But, still have moments.
It's different this time. I know I am letting go for good. My "hope" has to change. It is a difficult concept to really grasp that it is truly over. I am still absorbing everything. What my life has become. How different it is. How different he is. How different it will be. What he has done to me. To my family. It's OK. I'm OK. It is just taking time to come to terms with everything. Finality is just so difficult. Really and truly releasing him... from my life... forever... is heartbreaking. I just don't have a choice anymore.
I feel like he was slowly killing me. And he knew that. And he didn't care.
I have a lot to work through. I'm pretty sick of it. But, I know it must be done. With that said, I am looking forward to finding a happy and peaceful life.
And I thought, all the stupid things that have bothered me... I can't wait for the day, when he pulls in to get d14, and there is another guy... here at MY house, hanging out by MY pool. Relaxing and enjoying being HERE with ME. I like that day.
Hey M. Back when I first started here, and it was way before my registration date, things were different on this forum. There werent moderators. People didnt hold back. There was a great deal of 2 x 4s and pushing of people.
There were days when I got off my laptop because I couldnt see through the tears rolling down my face. I was challenged. I was pushed and pulled and loved.
When someone told me something I needed to look at, it was sometimes so hard. I would get upset. I would vow not to come back...and then, I would think.
I knew that I had to strip down to my core. That was the only way I was going to come out the other side. And I was so grateful there were people on here that were going to make sure I did that. No excuses were allowed back then.
So, I had to unlearn all that I knew. I had to face stuff I didnt want to face.
I felt as if everything that I held true was a lie. I felt that the order of the world that I had come to count on, wasnt real.
There were days when I would walk around my house in total confusion. What had happened? What had I missed? How was this possible?
So, when I stripped it all down, I realized that I had no control over anyone. That was the turth of it. I came to understand that I could have been perfect and this still would have happened.
I figured out that I had contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, but, I did not have the power to own all of this.
But one of the most important things I learned was that I was enough. I was worthy. I was lovable. And it didnt matter that my xh didnt see that...it only mattered that I did.
It is ok to be sad, M. It's a sad thing, the ending of a marriage. It's ok not to understand and to have trouble with the finality of it. It's ok as long as you dont stay stuck in any one spot.
These awakenings are so important. Digging deep...can be hard, but, man can it bring amazing things.
Good on you for doing that paperwork. Who cares if he notices your name change, M?
Keep looking within. Keep moving forward. Keep remembering that different doesnt have to mean bad.
Mighty- what UR said. All of it We both go back a long way (before our reg dates)
Quote:
I feel like he was slowly killing me. And he knew that. And he didn't care.
Yes I relate to that but I now know it isn't their truth. They are hanging on by their fingertips, screaming inside.
I had the weirdest dream last night Met xh's latest woman (not his current btw) and she was soooooo nice. We got on really well, and I thought she was far too good for him - in the dream.
So, when I stripped it all down, I realized that I had no control over anyone. That was the turth of it. I came to understand that I could have been perfect and this still would have happened.
Quote:
But one of the most important things I learned was that I was enough. I was worthy. I was lovable.
Quote:
They are hanging on by their fingertips, screaming inside
Yes, kind of like a real-time version of facebook - it all looks great to the outsider.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi uR! Thanks for checking on me. I was coming to post, and it was nice to see you were thinking of me. Your post above, yikes, it must have been tough hearing outsiders perspective in a matter-of=fact way. It is such a nerve-exposing situation.
bea- the hanging on by the fingertips analogy has stuck with me the past few days. Today, particularly. I really wonder how xh could have made those choices. But, he did. Yet, I keep thinking about that... and how he continues to make choices, which must really make those fingertips tired! Blistered... the fall will be greater.
Weekend was OK. Saturday one of my brothers and a mutual friend came and we gutted the kitchen. We actually had a lot of fun! My friend's wife came and went a few times, too. My mom was also here for awhile. But, I got a text that night from my mom and my brother, they both said that it was so good to hear me laugh all day. We did laugh. And, I felt so good all day. It was a little bitter-sweet at times. Some of the things xh and I did together... the project we started together. His name came up a few times... not in a bad way. Just reminders. Yet, I think everyone else cringes. Probably bc they wouldn't have to give up their Saturday if it werent for him! Ha!
But, I felt just a little bit more free. A little bit of a release. Slowly... I'm getting there.
Sunday was beautiful out. I missed xh in a way. The spring arrival at my house. Doing all the jobs we would do. But, it's ok. I was OK.
It's weird... it's like I think of him less now... but he is still "around" 24/7. If that makes any sense. His absence is always in my heart. But, I guess I am adjusting. Looking forward to what is in front of me. And, realizing that I am leaving that behind. I mean, I am going on with my life. And when I say leaving that behind, I mean, that old life... and him. I don't think there is much movement. I see him stuck and me moving. But, I don't really see him, so maybe not. Just feels like it.
Yesterday was my birthday. I didn't sleep much the night before. What else is new? But, getting up in the morning... I have to admit... xh was on my mind. Not in a.. get-me-bent-out-of-shape way, but I think I wondered a little if I'd hear from him. And, I didn't. I didn't expect to. But, it is still a little painful to not be acknowledged after so many years.
When xh and I were trying to figure out hww's conception, I checked my journal, which documented every friggin day... and when he was with kids, etc... and counting back from her due day... it is very likely my birthday was conception day last year. Give a new meaning to birthday for me... but I'm not really sweating it anymore.
I can feel a transition that I am going through. This is tough stuff. But, I'm getting there. Honestly, before, I was really scared of letting him go. There was a large part of me that just couldn't accept him not being in my life. Or, perhaps, him not wanting to be in my life? I'm not sure. Maybe both. But, I just want to release him. And, that, too, is difficult to grasp. To really take in. I want to feel like I don't want him. I didn't want that before. I was afraid of that. But I think about how much easier it would be. But, I have to say, that I have never really felt like I have wished him ill will. Of course, do I wish them a fairy tale. HE11 NO!
I do know that I have been mentally, emotionally, and physically wounded. I have always been tough. It was part of me. But, this... well... I was so vulnerable. And I didn't pretend otherwise. I owned it. I was aware that I was weak and lost. But I also knew that I didn't like it and wanted to get out of it. It's not my thing. I felt debilitated at times. That was horrible. Now, my wounds are healing. I know it will be a long road, yet. I have a lot of ground to cover.
Mentally, I'm getting stronger. I have acknowledged behaviors which were unhealthy. I know I want no part of ever again. I also feel that those realizations made xh run. And I think that what he has now is pretty unhealthy- so perhaps comforting? To an extent. Maybe a cycle he isn't strong enough to break?
Emotionally- I have always been strong. Yet- this. Ugh. I have been all over the place. Like a tornado. Spinning, twisting, smashing through anything without care or concern at high rates of speed. Now, I'm more like a Weeble-Wooble. Back and forth. You know... I weeble and wobble, but I don't fall down!
Transition. It's interesting.
On the xh front. Like I said. I don't pay attention. Don't contact. It's been a blessing. Yet, its an ever-present ghost in my life. Shake it off, Taylor Swift style???
I mailed the deed and tax stuff yesterday. It will probably be there tomorrow, if not today. I had to look up his house number on Zillow. And the 21 pics of their house came up. I quickly x'ed out. I am avoiding like crazy. Before I would have probably looked. I have avoided lots of stuff- trying to MOVE ON!
No word on my birthday. Yet, I do know he called d14 last night (on my birthday) and he hasn't called her in over a week. Coincidence? Not even worth the energy.
Today: S18 called me... frantic! He said xh was following him in the car and he was trying to lose him. Xh was trying to chase him down. Flashing lights and all. I told him to come home. He said he tried by xh still followed and he didn't want him to catch him here. Said he was about to call the police. I said to just come home. He said to open the door... "all the way". D14 heard him on the phone and went and opened it.
I was paying the bills and was like WTF! All of a sudden, s18 came bursting in. Slammed and locked the door and went running upstairs. D14 and I just sat there watching him flying into the driveway and xh following behind. Xh ran up the driveway yelling to him. Then the doorbell started ringing. I didn't know what to do. I was not going to talk to him. I don't even care. Whatever. I'm not even going to get into why. Just- ugh.
So, I went into the kitchen, to the door. The kitchen door leads to garage and he was at garage door. I just said, "he's not going to come out." He waved me over, like to come talk to him. I said, "Go away. I'm not gonna talk to you," and turned to close the back door right there. He turned around and left.
