I get the compare thing ... I do .. I think we all do it looking for tips and tricks in others sitches. Thing is, and I even discussed this some with the W, we were talking about the A and the imapact the STD will have on the "what if" premise that we patch up our marriage. She was emotional and I said it could be worse, she did not see how, I explained she could have become pregnant. Its like she did not even consider that to be a possible result. Then she remarked "what if I was?" ... I told her bluntly and honestly that would have been a deal breaker for me, bad enough the STD is there for life as a reminder ... no way could I help raise a child or be around that .... that is where YOU are much stronger than I Mighty ... I could not have even considered it.
This MLC thing is just so cruel ... it is. And you have one who has yet to hit rock bottom, he did a serious touch and go on you and to be honest its not fair .... no one would wish this upon anybody. And yeah ... there is nothing I did, other than work on me ... truth is I still do not trust it, when it appeared she might be poking out I thought of your sitch, and I am still guarded and taking things extremely slowly. They are going to stay in the tunnel until it becomes unbearable, as bad as it is for us ... I think its 100x worse for them, I truly believe that.
Would you rather be in your shoes .. or his at this moment? Not to feel sorry for the guy, he made his choices and his bed and will have to deal with it for the rest of his life .. just as my W has ... but WE have the choice and the power to do with our lives whatever we would like. You can be as happy as you want knowing you did all you could ... there is peace in that.
Thank you so much. Truly. Those posts meant a lot to me. I know you are right. I just know that. And, truthfully, one of my best reminders I have to keep things in perspective is to think that I didn't try to manipulate or go crazy to make him stay. One thing I learned, for sure, is that if he wants to stay, he will. That the last thing I want is for someone to be around who doesn't want to. Nor do I want to put effort into someone who isn't willing to do the same.
The part that makes me question, I guess, is that if I went a little too far, then those will be the reminders he has of me. You know, like it takes 100 atta boys to make up for one darn you. But, you remind me... I'm human. And if he doesn't appreciate the strength it took for me to dig deep and be there for him through the toughest time in my life... well then...
I have much more clarity and that helps a lot, yet I do have my BUT moments where I... regress???? They are becoming less.
It is becoming an interesting transition.... I have seen and felt a lot of growth in myself. Very different experience from what I thought it was 6 months ago.
I hung out with some friends after work today. I didn't notice for awhile that I was the only girl. We were at my bro's house... and for the first time in forever... I realized that I am refinding me. I know it's weird and I thought I would become a totally different person before xh, bc we were together since teens. I mean... it sounds weird. But I only had brothers, and I was a tomboy. I always had tons of guy friends. Some of my best friends were guys.
I just see them as "the guys" and thats it! But, I am also noticing that I am keeping my eye out around guys i don't know.... Soooooo different from what I'm used to. I've never looked at other people like that bc I was so into my h. But I keep my friends separate- totally separate from that. I just realize how honest and genuine I am when it comes to that. Being aournd "the guys" is like being with my brother. I hate girl drama... yet I love girls who have fun and aren't like that. Love being with the guys... it's my comfort zone... my "home" like being with my brothers... but, i am finding a way to be around men too. Well... maybe not finding my way... but looking forward to. I'm in NO rush. Not at all. But... I just pay attention now. A little. For the first time in my life! I'm not sure what to do with myself... well... nothing now. But to think about how I would be eventually...
I know I sound lame. It sounds so silly. I'm not shy or anything... it is just so out of the ordinary. And, before, even with everything in my sitch, I still felt... I don't know... devoted? Sounds weird, right? Well... it's just going to be an interesting journey, that's what I see.
Xh is flailing in the wind. I am so glad I am removing myself from that. It feels better than ever. He still continued to email s18's teacher today and cc me on some of it. I am not getting all PTSD about it. I did get a little... but so much better!!!!!
The thing is, s18 and i have addressed the issue at school. Before xh sent an email. But, he continues to do... whatever. Then he texted s18 and I. I didn't even open it. I still communicated w s18. He was still doing what we addressed.
As a friend said... it's his only connection. It makes sense. And I was told that xh was contacting coaches at the hs to get d14's schedule and didn't know which team she was playing for. The coaches thought it was a little odd and knew something was weird about the sitch. Xh was trying to get her schedule or something and didn't know which team... I don't even know...
I mean, he royally changed things when hww didn't allow him to communicate w me. And now that he tries... I just don't bother. I know it seems passive agressive or something, but really, he set it up this way. He went along with it. I am not just going to play the games anymore. If I'm not good enough when she says... well then...
It is not in a immature way. In fact, it's the opposite. Im just done with it. There is no point.
So... s18 finally responded to xh. He texted him to leave him alone. He does not help him in his life and that it's just annoying. And to stop texting me bc I don't want to hear from him either.
I was blown away. S18 texted him from school as thats when xh was blowing up his phone or something... and his teacher... welll.... I was like... leave me out of it!!! Yikes! But really, I just told him not to engage in an argument. Bc xh's response was like "you are a tough guy" huh? I mean... something is SO UP WITH THIS! I mean... his interactions w/ s18, I believe, says a lot! He plays the victim w/ him, then blows up and calls him a tough guy. That's been the ongoing thing for months. It is so weird! And he always compared himself to his dad and him in the r with s18 and him. And would always say.... how could he do that to me? I look at s18 and wonder how he could do that. I could never do that to s18. And yet... it's worse! And he has some serious projection going on!
Well... S18 responded something along the lines: I tell everyone I don't have a dad. You can tell people you don't have a son. Leave me alone.
Then blocked him.
I had no idea this stuff was going on in the meantime. But now I get a sick feeling that somehting is about to happen. Xh has lost control. He thought he regained it... but... nope.
I don't know what's to come. I just want it removed from my life. I feel so badly for my kids, but just keep it bout the positive. We have lots of great things in life. I just want to focus on those. I just am not sure.... I don't want them to be hurt.
Yep, the full moon brings out all sorts of behavior, not just for the MLCers, but for others as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi job! I was thinking that... I guess since there have been some stirrings w xh lately. Well, he has been making contact in a round-about way recently. It could be a coincidence, but it had me thinking about how it could affect them. It actually wouldn't surprise me if some go all-out werewolf!
But... I think there is some really telling things in xh's behavior. I feel like he is regressing. I don't communicate w him, but the communication w s18 seems like it says a lot.
His immature responses continue. They have been going on big-time since February. He was doing it to both kids and I. Like, "you're cool" when he wouldn't get a response or didn't like it.
But, when xh came around, he was so apologetic w s18, yet when s18 didn't buy right into it, he was so combative w him.
And now it continues! And the biggest thing with "you think you're a tough guy" when s18 wasn't even going there.
So... w s18's response...
he told him he tells people he doesn't have a dad and he can tell people he doesn't have a son, xh's response was, "cool dude."
It is so weird. And to go from, you think you're a tough guy... to, cool dude. And the night before... I miss you s18.
I think there is some serious projection. I don't think he learned much of anything during his "touch and go."
It's so sad. I'm not letting it hold me back. Just was thinking about it. I'm about to go work on the layout of my kitchen.
Mighty - you know I had never thought about the moon, except as a joke, but thinking back the full moon coincides with my xh's most recent contacts . . . . . Oh well, let's wait and see
Hey M, yep, its me nitpicking again...because I care.
Originally Posted By: Mighty
The part that makes me question, I guess, is that if I went a little too far, then those will be the reminders he has of me. You know, like it takes 100 atta boys to make up for one darn you.
First of all, he will not remember or misremember (dont think thats a word - lol) most of what transpired. And even if he doesnt, you really think you went too far given the circumstances??? Try really hard to get that out of your head, M. He will think what he will, but, you know your truth and that is what matters.
If he were to come through this, I would think what he will remember is that you were there for him for as long as you could be and if he doesnt, then that's on him.
Let those feelings go, Mighty.
I am not surprised by your feelings about other men. You loved deep and true for a very long time. That doesnt go away for a long while. Its a process, sweetie.
Just wanted to write something about the following. Careful to not let your son feel as if he has to protect you. That isnt his job. I say that because my son was around the same age. I made sure he knew I was ok and that he didnt have to worry about me. He was to live his life. He has thanked me many times for that since then. You may not have said anything to your son, but, they are smart.
Originally Posted By: Mighty
And to stop texting me bc I don't want to hear from him either.
As far as how your xh is acting regarding the kids. He is an adolescent right now. Thats his mindset. He doesnt know how to act with them. Sad, I know, but thats how it is right now. I always told my son, he is your father. The only one you will ever have. Figure out a way to have him in your life in some capacity that you feel comfortable with. Otherwise the relationship will be irrevocably broken. I dont mean they should be forced into a relationship, but, that they should think about what they want in the future. Sometimes there is too much hurt to recover from. They are watching you, M. Very closely. I would hate to see them not ever have a relationship with him.
I Will let those feelings go. You are so right. Xh told me he'd think about me and how fun I was and silly. And not worry about things. And that no matter what we were doing - even renovating the disgusting apartments we flipped, we always had fun. I worried that after things transpired, he'd forget those things and just remember the intensity of his recent encounters. But I don't have energy for that anymore. What's done is done and it is what it is.
As far as my son.... I couldn't agree more!!!' I was shocked when he sent me what he sent xh. SHOCKED! And my reaction was telling him that I'm fine and not to worry about me! And I said to just be respectful and not engage in an argument.
I have stayed out of that r. S18 is adamant that he wants nothing to do w him not give him a ticket to graduation, etc. I do say, well he is your dad, he should be there. He was a great dad to you. I don't push or pressure in any direction, but try to be level headed and mature and remove my personal feelings.
Really- I just try to stay totally out of it.
I try to teach my kids to handle themselves respectfully and honestly as I would in any sitch, but don't tell them what to say or how to react. I don't want any of my influence in that.
Thanks uR. I hope more than anything xh comes out of this so he can really be a dad to my kids again.
Bea.... Kind of interesting, huh? We will have to see!
Hi - Ur is right of course, and I am sure I could have handled my sitch better, but actually my children found it difficult when I reminded them he was their father and they might want a relationship further down the line.
My eldest son has said that his father turned into a man he didn't know and didn't (and still doesn't) want to know. He is grateful for the father he had, but said any relationship is just not possible with him. I encouraged him to reach out and respond three or four years back, and it all went sour very fast.
The children accept there is something very wrong with him, but he is not a nice person any more - selfish, bullying, dishonest and entitled. It is sad for the MLCer but neither our children nor we as spouses are responsible for the non relationship. I beat myself up a lot over this one, and honestly, I think I have done my best.
I cut my xh a lot more slack than my kids do. They respect this, and see it is my choice, but the legal action he started against me was the last straw for them.
Just wanted to write something about the following. Careful to not let your son feel as if he has to protect you. That isnt his job. I say that because my son was around the same age. I made sure he knew I was ok and that he didnt have to worry about me. He was to live his life. He has thanked me many times for that since then. You may not have said anything to your son, but, they are smart.
That's worth repeating and adding, they are protective of their mothers. Naturally. It really is up to you to protect him and help him live his life without excessively worrying about you or worrying about protecting you from his dad. Just something to keep in mind over time.
Full moon? Yep. I can honestly say the craziest times with ex occur(ed) during a full moon. Or the run up to the full moon. I've noticed it's usually within a week or so of the full moon when I tend to hear from her or her husband. As a matter of fact, I just did again. Thankfully my delete key works really well
Good to have perspective Mighty. You seem to be regaining and getting stronger. Glad to see that.
Be well!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
