"I am sorry that you are upset by this and I do understand it. It seems to make sense to have a professional to handle complex issues that comes with a separation. I appreciate the fact that we've been respectful and cordial when it comes to the children's schedule/activities. I am sure you agree that it's where our focus should be at the moment."
If W gets angrier, and pushes:
"I am sorry that you are angry about this. I prefer that any legal issues/concerns be communicated directly with the lawyer. I am not going to discuss or debate this with you."
Short sweet and to the point, just as Wonka said ... and like he suggested YOU end the convo and leave. DB to a T.
Heavy .. just caught up on your sitch, the journal thing struck me. I recall when I first got here, we all start realizing things over the course of this journey that we have been placed upon against our will. Seems you are starting to realize that there is some mirror work to do on yourself, which is very good and its important for YOU. I think it was AJ that gave me some homework, I did not see it at the time .. but now looking back it was pivotal in my progression, and I think it would help you out as well so I feel the urge to pass it on. Along with your journal ... which I think is great, make a list about yourself. Things that you find are good qualities. I think he had me do 25 or 50 ... I remember writing down like 5 and thinking .. that's it, but I kept going ... small positive qualities about yourself, great eyes, fabulous hair, good natured person ... etc. Do this list and place it somewhere you can see it .. add to it over the next week ... look at it and re-read it .. alter change and add to it along the way ... it seems so simple but helps start to rebuild 'us' after is seems all is left is lost.
Just have to chime in for a second, Heavy, and not to add anything relevant here.
I smiled when I read Cali Guy's post. Then I got to the positive qualities and got to "great hair" and bust out laughing. Men and women aren't all that different, are they? Sometimes, you just gotta admit when you have it going on.
And Heavy, you know I clapped at Wonka's suggestions. Address what needs to be addressed and keep moving.
Happy Easter!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I can't speak for Wonka's intent, but I'll share my read on it.
Validate feelings by acknowledging them without jumping in the pool. Keep it breezy to avoid entering the tar pit. (You know what happened to the fossils at Brea...)
Quote:
Does it imply a visual No Contact rule.
No. It implies that you have to dissect her comments and have a rebuttal when one isn't necessary. Not everything she said requires a response from you.
I found that most often, when my XH contacted me about things, it was to let me know. Not an invitation to have a dialogue. Eventually, I got this down. Instead of asking questions, dissecting stuff, I'd validate (if needed) and just say, "thanks for letting me know."
Make sense?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Why is it important to end the conversation first and to not look back?
Does this imply that one is not conflicted about the separation? Does it imply a visual No Contact rule.
Clarification would help.
I can only speak for me ... like you I did not understand it nor the reason behind it till I started doing it often. I feel like with this BD, the WAS seems to have all the power, making us feel hopeless at times. I found when I ended conversations, on the phone or in person, I was in control of the situation... its empowering and flips the table some, stops making you feel like you are the dog at the table waiting for the scraps to come your way. Make sense?
LOL @ Underdog ... I was not referring to my hair .. although now that I think about it .. I sill have a full head, mind you its a touch more grey now that it was pre-BD but still all there ... so heck .. why not .. I will put that one down!
I just sent legal papers as well. We will have to keep each other apprised. It's kind of funny that after all of her disrespectful actions, she is still adamant that we don't get lawyers involved. She is hoping that I feel guilty or emotional, and give in to her unfair demands.
She is going to be royally pissed when she gets letter and papers. I'm sure she will say she refuses to be friends. Hey, news flash, friends don't cheat and lie in friends. You already terminated your friendship with your actions.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Sometimes, you just gotta admit when you have it going on.