Affair Over but Stuck

[HopefulStill]

Hold your ground. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. In my book, this confirms the OM is still very much in the picture. Before my wife finally broke off contact(and sent a letter stating so to the OM) she lied for two years about having contact with the OM. Each time I'd catch her in the lie she'd just get better at hiding it.

[claire7]

How does leaving your children make you a gentleman? Don't leave.

But be prepared for her to make things awful for you. Be strong for your kids. ..

[Cadet]

Hurt

Let me say that the affair is just one symptom of this whole mess, just ending the affair does not mean that she is whole and healed.

Nor are you whole and healed.

So our objective is for you to get whole and healed and then just maybe your marriage can be restored.


DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE, or MBR, but please give her more space
and get on living your life.

[MrBond]

Tell her that while you understand her issues as they are concerned with the OM, that you are not leaving and neither are the kids. Tell her that she is the one that has been going with with OM and if she's unhappy it's not on you. Put your foot down.

[Hurt06]

Thanks for the support....I'm holding steady....It actually feels pretty good.

[Hurt06]

Update: Wife has moved out of MBR into D13 bedroom on blow up matrice in floor. In-laws are coming tomorrow for spring break and want to talk to us both. W had said that she had told them everything which has turned out to be a half lie at best.

I have always been very close to in-laws, closer even than my own parents. Turns out that she had not exposed the fact that she had allowed the OM into our new home. What exactly happened while he was here is still unknown as the lying continues (I have assumed the worst) . In-laws wanted to know why I am not the gentleman and will not give her space (move out) for her health and there stating that her health is more important than our marriage. Had to explain politely to her father that I will no longer be taken advantage of and I will not be leaving the new home that I just purchased for my wife and kids last SEPT. Not sure if this was against the rules or not but it's just what transpired in our conversation. I gave her this space last OCT when she claimed only to be a WAW and she had the man in our house at that time.

I am holding steady with the 37 rules, DBing, GAL, and standing up for myself. Really enjoying time with kids. Took them to Movies this afternoon but the W decided she wanted to go at the last minute. I remained neutral and held steady with polite but distant and moving on.

MC texted this evening and has an opening in the AM for us or individually, I offered wife the time slot and she waffled so I took it. Now she is saying she is only available for 30 mins to see the MC and I guess might show up.

To be honest I am just trying to remain neutral and distant moving on with my life. Outside influences are creeping in with in the In-laws envolved and MC offering last minute counseling to prevent the separation.

As someone stated earlier things are about to get worse I'm afraid. Sure would be nice just to have some peace.

Anyone have experience or insight with something like this?

Any advice on how to deal with the In-laws talk?

[Zues126]

In law talk- be clear about what you are trying to accomplish. You aren't going to win them to your side. You aren't going to get them to agree with your views. That's NOT going to happen.

All you can do is have a handful of bullet points so like it or not they can understand what you are doing and why.

What are you doing? What can they expect to see you do? Why? Try writing it out in a few bullets for the forum. We'll give feedback. Then, during your conversation just list your bullets, validate their feelings, and be prepared with conversation enders such as "it sounds like we understand each other's point of view and simply feel differently. There doesn't seem to be a point to rehashing this further. I will say I appreciate you having this conversation and hope you know I have a lot of respect for the way you've handled this. Please take care".

Or whatever that looks like. It's late, but that's what I'd do. Practice.

[Hurt06]

Heres what I came up with, Her father said over the phone that he would not leave the house either but that view may change, as its been several days. I really don't see any reason to talk to the in-laws about her asking me to move out but I think it was the Moms idea. Both her parents are saying "you guys tried to work it out and its not working" She claims that she has told them everything but very clearly she has not as the father was blown away when he found out that the OM has been in our new house and I will not be leaving to facilitate what may or may not still be going on.

here are the three bullet points.


-What are you doing? "I want to save my marriage but I cannot do that by myself. I want my wife to be healthily and happy and will do anything I can to help her through this but I will not be leaving our home. If she needs space to find herself, I respect her decision and although I do not want or agree with her leaving our home, she is free to do what ever she feels she must do. We cannot afford 2 house holds, the money is simply not there so what ever she decides to do she will need to pay for herself."

-What can they expect to see you do? "Be consistent, provide a safe place to live for her and children, continue to see IC and MC, Continue to work at my job, Be a good father, Be a good provider, Be a good Christain husband, and continue working on myself."

-Why? "There are boundaries that cannot be violated any longer. Its not good for me, the children, or our marriage. It is my hope that she will seek IC and MC and save our marriage."

[Hurt06]

bump, any last minute pointers ?

MC today validated everything you guys are saying. I went by myself as W could not attend.

[Zues126]

I think that looks reasonable.

If they made a comment about how the marriage is over and why can't you accept that I personally would have to address that by saying something like:

My beliefs are that when you got married it was for better or worse. I see my wife is going through a difficult time and has made choices that are impacting our marriage. And yes, she has the freedom end it entirely. But while I can't deny my role in the breakdown of our marriage, I am not going to abandon it voluntarily, nor willingly participate in the destruction of our family.