I'm feeling a little more neutral towards STBX. I don't respect him or want to be near him or have anything to do with him but I don't want to throw rocks at him either. There is a huge hole in my chest when I think how important he was to me and for however long (I'll never know how long) he valued me so little that he could sleep around and be so callous about me and the damage he was doing. That hurts, to have been treated with such contempt. I'm sad he's not a better person. I'm disappointed in him and I do not trust him at all. But I will live through it.
I have been clenching my teeth something fierce as I power through disentangling myself from my marriage and now they really hurt. Since I'm about to have major medical only -- no more vision or dental coverage -- I hope that as I acclimate this improves.
I looked at houses today. There's one that would be nice but it's not the kind of life I want (subdivision life. NO.) and there is just NOTHING else out there. I know shame won't help, but I hope STBX feels a lot of it, because I'm feeling tremendous anxiety about how and where the kids and I are going to live and every g-d ounce of that is on him.
How could he have inflicted all this on someone who loved him? On his kids? Who is that kind of jerk?
I woke up this morning feeling happy to be done with him. This upset is just the housing anxiety talking. I don't want to live in a subdivision. I don't want to live that way to the point of tears. I know God will make a way for things to work but sometimes I wish he didn't have to be so mysterious about it. There is NOTHING on the market in my area. I think the house will sell pretty fast because of that. I'm really scared.
On the up side... I do feel like I understand now who I am. What my path is meant to be and how I intend to travel it.
TOWANDA.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think STBX has fallen prey to an Internet dating or porn scam. He's gotten multiple notices of attempts to open fraudulent credit cards in his name. I'm going to have to put a fraud alert on my identity too. Because his stupidity could conceivably result in the kids & I not even getting into a subdivision house.
What a nimrod.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Actually, the more I think about this the more nervous I am for my financial future. My L said that the same behavior that cost STBX the marriage could cost him his employment in the future, and just because STBX has abandoned ship doesn't mean he can't still manage to sink it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
A little while ago H was subject to a PayPal scam and my bank ID was hacked too. It took a couple of weeks but the banks sorted it, I squeaked by financially, ducking and diving but I did it. At one stage 36.43 off my maximum overdraft limit until the cash came back in.
Whatever happens my lovely one, you will be OK. You always have been there for yourself and your children, you are resourceful and incredibly able. Competent and loving you will find a way. I would like to bet you can duck and dive too, with the best!
There is little that can stop you, you have been carrying the weight of H too, that is one less burden on your back. I believe in Maybell and her powers of survival and thriving.
It will be alright in the end, if it is not alright it's not the end and besides the fat lady has not sung yet.
Sunshine today
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/05/1502:11 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
It's not fear about the subdivision. Well, it is, but it's a different kind of fear.
See, I love my life here. I love that I can walk everywhere that I care to go except the grocery store. I love that my kids can do that. We can walk to farmers' markets (when they're in season). To school. To friends' houses. To the restaurants I like to frequent, and I like that I can safely walk home from downtown, or from friends' houses, or from band night in the park even if I've had a drink or two, and I don't have to worry. I love walking in a crowd of friends to book club or a porch party.
I love living in a smaller house because I have to be more intentional -- I can't let consumption overtake us because in a smaller house it will, quickly. I love being part of this community.
Subdivision life = more cut off from my neighbors; tied to the car; too much space means the house fills up without my noticing; harder to keep the kids accountable for themselves. I like living mindfully; I don't want to put myself in a setting where I'm working against that way of life.
I had just started embracing these changes. They aren't second nature yet. But they make me feel good about myself, and they make me feel connected to my community. I've been "new to the area" my entire life. I want to be connected. Subdivision life feels like exile to me.
Thanks, Vanilla, for the truth from the trenches. Ggrass, yes indeed, I am lighter without the STBX load -- I just hopes he doesn't default on his obligations. Labug, I made a commitment to myself a long time ago that my outside should match my inside. I want to honor that commitment. But if I have to live in a subdivision I'll remember that other people would consider that an enormous blessing and I will find a way to be grateful for it.
Here are some good things to counterbalance the anxiety:
My co-worker sold her house this weekend. She was as worried about her housing situation as I've been about mine and I've been reassuring her for 2-3 weeks (or longer) that all will be well. I happened to be with her when she got the news and I found myself profoundly and generously grateful on her behalf for that problem resolving for her. There was not one ounce of selfishness in my gratitude that her house had sold -- and I have to say, I'm really, truly grateful for that as well. Because I like what it says about me that I can feel that way without trying.
The second thing is that STBX let me take the kids to church this morning to celebrate Easter and they went very nicely, even though we have to get up early to make the long drive, and two of them have bad colds. And we had a lovely time and stayed for the potluck brunch after the service and spent the morning with two other families and the kids are clearly becoming comfortable with that part of my tribe. And I am SO grateful for that part of my tribe.
The third thing is that church softball starts next weekend and my kids have promised to practice with me, and to sometimes come down for the games so I don't have to miss just because they're with me. And I'm looking forward to meeting new people I don't know (or don't know well) and taking on a new GAL activity after this long, cold winter.
The fourth thing is that on the way to church this morning the kids started asking for outings we could do that are repeats of things we did when STBX first left. Also for a couple of other big outings -- which is lovely, they were asking for experiences rather than stuff. That makes me feel like I'm becoming the parent I want to be, and that it matters to them.
And the fifth thing (then I'll stop, though I think there's more), is that a couple of my friends here have taken on a BIG project that I've been honored to help with just a little bit. I was with them till very late Friday night helping and then stopped in yesterday to see how it was going. Their kids have seen very little of them in the last month and it occurred to me that they were probably too wiped out to celebrate Easter, so I gave them a spur of the moment invitation. STBX is letting me have the kids back a couple of hours early so we can all be together and I am grateful that I have the means, material and skillful, to pull together a short-notice Easter dinner for people who matter a lot to me.
So I whine and worry but when it comes down to it there is much more good in my life than otherwise.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
