Following some suggestions, I have updated my gratitutde journal to include every day things, took the dog for a walk and it made me smile. Simple things can affect PMA I have learned. I had forgotten about the little things in life. So focused on getting on with it, not enjoying the moment. I am doing a better job of that.
My kids come back on Friday and I am so excited. I spent a lot of time gettig Easter Baskets ready. My s9 told me he believes in the Easter Bunny and how he must use teleportation in order to get to everyone's house. I laughed. I hope he keeps his childlike qualities as long as possible.
I made plans for an Easter egg hunt and for brunch with friends. That sounds like a good way to spend the day and counts as a GAL activity (I hope). I have outfits ready
Saturday, I don't have any plans except to ride bikes along our bike trail. I have pumped up everyone's tires, readjusted the training wheels so they don't wobble. We are ready to go.
I find that being outside makes me the happiest and I feel close to God when I in nature. I am lucky to live in California.
Thanks for the clarification - I get what you mean now.
For example - She has old me that I am wooden. Yes, I will admist to being an introvert. I am now trying to be authentc with my emotions and try to live more in the momement. For example, picking flowers with my little girl when walking makes her laugh and makes me smile. I am trying to do that more. Taking the dog for an extra lap around the block makes her so happy so I am doing that. Bottom line, I am trying to be more joyful myself and to bring joy to others.
I colead my D6's Daisy troop. This means I get to wrangle about 30 girls every other week and make projects like paper flowers, cardboard name tags, seat cushions, projects basically. I would have not done that before. When I do the projects, I really let myself get into them which is fun for me and fun for the girls. I also bring my guitar and sing the girl scout theme which is a lot of fun.
Anyway I can inject more fun into my life I am doing it. I love to kayack and do that with my kids. It will be more challenging now that I am a solo parent but I think I can do it. Now that the spring is here, there should be plenty of opportunities to do it. I also want to learn to improve my sailing skills. I think my kids would benefit from that as well.
My Wife said I was not emotionally available to her. This hurts as I thought we shared our thoughts. I couldn't wait to tell her what I did during the day and was always excited to hear about her day. I told her this ofen. We talked and texted at least 10 times a day. I was always home every night, and she was too for the most part until she met the AP. All of a sudden she started drinking.
She said she was only allowed to do certain things that were family oriented which to me mean controlling. She volunteered at church, met with friends afterwork for happy hour went back home whenever she wanted to visit family and we just got back from Hawaii. She wanted me to teach Sunday school with her, I did it, gladly, payed guitar for the kids. She said I was not authentic in my reason to be there. She said it was like I was checking off some list to prove that I had done it but my heart wasnt in it. It seems like I was damned if I did or did not do it.
She complained I did not listen to her which is true. She was critical about how I loaded the dishwasher, brought home the wrong brand of toothpaste, things of that nature. That would make me mad and we would argue. I bought us a new van which she hated. I told her I would sell it or she could take it back to the dealer and trade it in. She never did until she left. The first thing she did was trade in the van.
It feels like I "forced her" into being someone she did not want to be. My vision was not her vision. I asked if she wanted to be a stay at home mom and said no, I asked if she wanted a bigger house and she said no.
Looking back I shoud have been more decisive with what we were doing. Should have I refused to do things she wanted to do and just gone with what I wanted to do. I honestly thought that was what families did. We did things together regardless of if we were really into them. I did them because I knew it brought my family joy.
So my take away is maybe I should have asked them what they wanted to do. What kind of car would my wife want to drive, she always said it was on my terms. That hurt becuase we always talked about what we wanted and made decisions together, we chose our house together, we choose the school our kids attend, we were a team, until the AP partner came onto the scence talking about open marriage and how liberating it can be.
There were many things I could have done better, listened more, been more attentive, been more decisive about what brought ME joy.
Is that the lesson I should have learned? After she left she told me that it was just an exit affair and that the marriage just wasn't as good for her as it was for me. She told me she shouldd have left me years ago, regeted having our second child. She told me she views us as her long term obligations. She said the only thing I can do now is watch her walk away which she did.
So, I feel at a loss other than she wants another life now, one without me, one with freedom to experiece new things and new ideas.
OK - I can't stop her leaving and making choices of her choosing. I can howeve build mself up and open myself up to joy more for whatever comes eiher with her or without. And while it has taken me 6 months to do so, I am geting better at it.
Just attended an all day work conference and someone in the enemy camp was there. So akward. This person is an affair cheerleader and thinks I am the creepy stalker. She actively encourages my WAW and her AP.
I avoided her most of the conference but ran into her I the bathroom. I smiled and said hello and kept walking.
Good for you for taking the high road. I often think that I would love to run into OM and punch him right in the mouth.
In reality, I would probably shake his hand and tell him to take care of my wife, and never forget how lucky he is to have her, Unlike me.
Last edited by Kramer; 04/02/1509:23 PM.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Just attended an all day work conference and someone in the enemy camp was there. So akward. This person is an affair cheerleader and thinks I am the creepy stalker. She actively encourages my WAW and her AP.
I avoided her most of the conference but ran into her I the bathroom. I smiled and said hello and kept walking.
Awful feeling!
There fixed it^^ for you.
There's nothing to feel awful about here. You have done nothing wrong. Until they've walked in your shoes, they don't know swat!
Kids coming back day early (today). I will see them tomorrow with WAW and have her sign off on tax papers.
Here is her email from today:
The hotel was a dump. Smelled terrible and to quote your mom "there's no way I'm letting the babies stay there!" After a break we're back on the road. Should arrive around 8:30 tonight.
Just wanted you to know.
What do you suggest as a reply? She made note of my Mom which she never does.
By tomorrow, she will have read her letters from my lawyer in her mailbox.
What should I say to the ineviable spew tomorrow?
"You made the choice to divorce and I am protecting myself and our kids by the hiring of a lawyer, let the lawyer know if you have any other questions."
That sounds harsh.
Any suggestions on how best to word this potentially akward encounter? As you may know, I took mediation off the table and hired a lawyer. This is too serious for DIY stuff.
Your WW will automatically assume that you're doing this against her, rather than for you. It's human nature and it's called ego: everything is always about us. My take, and I'm not 100% it's DB, is that you need to be calm and clear, and even loving, while telling her that this is simply because you want this to proceed smoothly. You've noticed that you had communication problems regarding the D, so it seemed best to you to transfer these things to a third party, and keep the communications between the two of you to the kids. It should work best for everyone involved.
See: it's not about tricks or phrasing. It's about showing her your good side. I had a moment like this early in my sitch where my WW was upset at a communication I had with her friend. She assumed I wanted to harm their relationship. I had no such intention (it was a misunderstanding), so I presented her the facts (what I had actually written rather than what her friend told her) and then told her: "You've got to trust me that I'm not trying to harm you." and that calmed her down. I'm not even sure it's a good example or that it got me closer to R, but it did put a lot of goodwill in our communications.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
