I have no proof of this but hear me out. Losing a M requires a grieving process. I believe that the LBS will go through that when a D is finalized but the WAS has a crutch in another person. When that R breaks down and it has a 70% chance. The WAS has to start the whole grieving process again. Maybe even start to mourn the loss of their original M. So, maybe we LBS suffer now, but maybe the WAS suffers more later. I would hate to go through 2 major breakups in a short period.
I would like to think this is true - however just a speculation on my part. It just makes sense, which is a scary thing, becuase nothing has made much sense over the past few months.
I have no proof of this but hear me out. Losing a M requires a grieving process. I believe that the LBS will go through that when a D is finalized but the WAS has a crutch in another person. When that R breaks down and it has a 70% chance. The WAS has to start the whole grieving process again. Maybe even start to mourn the loss of their original M. So, maybe we LBS suffer now, but maybe the WAS suffers more later. I would hate to go through 2 major breakups in a short period.
This is true. And the WAS can become the LBS later on too, and have to go through it for a third time.
Just returned "home" from the parents' house. Kids a had a great time searching for Easter loot. They crashed like a couple of strung out addicts on the way back to our house.
I had to put on the happy face as EX had a little Easter hunt set up for them. No hug from me this time. I'm trying to be upbeat and distant at the same time. No flirting from Closer!
I have been dreading her being back at the house this week. I feel like an idiot for letting her pull me back into this effed up situation every week. Having her here is great for the kids, but isn't good at all for me. She knows how to pull me back in. She's all business until I flirt with her or get close. As soon as I make the first move she reciprocates and gets "very: friendly and BOOM, I'm back to square one.
My plans for this week are: 1. Do not go to bed when she does. 2. No flirting, hugs, back rubs, etc. (bad!!) 3. No texts or call unless someone needs stitches or something is on fire. 4. I'm starting any conversation. Not engaging any emotional/personal
Arrrgh, she just walked to the laundry room in nothing but boy shorts and a hot sports bra.
Seriously, she's the devil.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Hi Closer. I'm going to suggest a book, Breakup because it's Broken. Get the audible version.
When I listened to it, I got real hurt. Maybe it isn't the right thing to do, but it broke through my barriers on denial and gave me strength to detach.
Ok, I was snooping. Found all of her texts over years to the OM. Talking about marriage, etc.
Do I confront her, ignore it, tell her to leave the house right now?
There are no boundaries. She's acting like she's not seeing this guy and she just lying right to my face. Her entire family is helping her lie to my face.
This [censored]. I just want her out of my life.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Starsky309 had a similar situation in his sitch. Hopefully, he'll come around here to advise you. You can find his recent posts and post beneath them to call him here. Tell him I sent you
In short, he found the evidence of the A, then just told his W: "Stop. We both know you're lying and it's disrespectful", then left the room. Or something like this. He certainly did not tell her the extent of what he knew, and especially not his sources. Let her guess: if you are strong, you don't need her to validate that you are strong. This can't be easy for a Nice Guy but you gotta do it and become it.
I hope you realize that when you say "There are no boundaries", you say "I have no boundaries". They're yours, not hers. You need to define boundaries that you can enforce. For instance: my boundary is that if you insult me, I'm not engaging with you anymore. It's clear and I can enforce it. My boundary is not "If you insult me, you will have to apologize." See the difference? I can't enforce this one and I just look like a fool when you refuse to apologize. My boundaries control my space, not yours.
So, what are your boundaries? Can you enforce them? And instead of giving us example of boundaries you cannot enforce, make sure you think longer about boundaries you can enforce.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Just read up on your sitch. Your recent post about finding text messages over "years" to the OM talking about marriage? Did I read that correctly as in she has been talking to this guy for years discussing marriage? I was under the impression her A was fairly new.
You do not have to show her what exactly you found out, and how. It is best to let her guess what you know. Knowledge is power and you do not want to handicap your future ability to gain more knowledge. I do agree with the comment Mozza made referencing Starsky. Calmly let her know she is lying, and she knows she is lying. Remind her that you made it very clear the boundaries and she broke them.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
