Alpha One, Alpha All #

[Ontheup]

Starksy,

As much as I'm GAL, dealing better with emotions and so on, I do want my marriage to work out of course. I'm confused. I know no snooping is recommended when using LRT but at the same time I thought having some info on A status would be a good idea. Of course I could get along well with her (or not) in forthcoming interactions only to find she runs to OM the second I leave. I can stop checking but how will I know if anything I do is having an affect. Yes, I can do things for myself. Yes, I can try and detach, manage emotions etc. How can I tell if I'm being played for a fool - she may be nice to me for numerous reasons (guilt, childminding, whatever else) - but just cake eating in one form or another.

Maybe I'm asking the impossible. Maybe I just need to accept that since she's had an A, we are separated, she feels the marriage is over and can do/see/screw whoever she likes, and that I should just leave her alone bar child communications and just live my life. To a large extent I am doing that. I know that is to a large part the LRT. I just feel powerless in whether or not it will have any affect. I know, I have no control over her. I feel like my actions may be irrelevant with regard to our marriage. Sure, positive for me as an individual, but even though I'm powerless and not in control I would still like things to work out. Times when I think about the whole thing make me.somewhat frustrated. I guess it's time to distract myself.

This whole paragraph shows that you are very much focussed on what your wife is doing rather than what you are doing.
You have eveidence of the affair. Keep it somewhere safe and dont look at it again unless you need to for a divorce.
STOP looking at what your wife is doing. the only person it is affecting is you and not in a good way. I know because i did same. The sooner you stop looking at and caring what your wife is doing the better you will start to feel. You have answered your own questions regarding how your wife feels. She is in an affair, loves someone else, feels her marriage is over and that she can do what ever she likes and she can because you do not control her. Im in exactly the same boat as is everyone else.
focus on you and your kids. Let her go

[alpha99]

Edz,

Thanks for the tips about MILs. I will have a good look over your thread asap and see how you managed to deal with her. It sounds like you have a good strategy in treating MIL like a bad business etc. I have blocked MIL's phone number after her latest nasty messages and an attempt to call me up, which no doubt would have consisted of a stream of abuse aimed in my direction. W even agrees she is messing about. In the foreseeable future I plan to keep any exchanges with MIL down to the bare minimum - preferably none.

Ontheup,

I know you're right. It is so difficult. I guess it is going to take time. I've read again and again of people who just need time to fully let go of their S. Not having child sharing arrangements in place until this week has aggravated that. I believe I am taking decent steps to move on with things (see my GAL list above) but of course my posts here are weighted towards my sitch as ultimately I am here to save my marriage - however dire the sitch seems right now.

[alpha99]

W attempted to call me again. I missed her call. Called back an hour and a half later. We spoke about how there is a breakout of chicken pox at the kids' school. A nice pleasant chat. I made sure to not talk over W when she was speaking, really listen to what she was saying, validate/agree wherever possible with her. She asked me to keep an eye on the kids in case they show signs of catching it. Neither of us want them to be ill but agreed that if they were to catch it then doing so in the holidays would at least mean that they don't miss any school.

I made sure to end the conversation first by saying I had to go in a polite manner.

At least if nothing else we are seeing signs that we will be able to coparent together. Given her anger and mood swings recently (and yes, my wayward behaviour too) it would be incredibly hard to go on with how things have been for any long period of time. Thankfully we are getting on much better at the moment.

Right, the sun is coming out here. I think it's time to grab a bite to eat and go for a little walk. Gym later maybe. Afterwards have the kids for a bit, drop them off, and then maybe either go out to a local meet up group thing or stay in and watch the political debate that's on tonight before the UK election in a few weeks' time. I am going to try and squeeze in some joke writing time too if i get the chance.

[alpha99]

I've just come back from a positively friendly interaction with W. I've had the kids since school ended. I dropped them back with her a short while ago. The kids dived into the house as W opened the door. She was all smiles and appeared happy. I don't know if she was happy to see me of course but she appeared happy for some reason anyway.

We talked about the kids for a moment, school arrangements, (I didn't realise the school wasn't open tomorrow) and care arrangements for the next few days. In total less than a five minute conversation. It seems she has now retracted the offer (indirectly) of coming to see the kids on Easter Sunday due to me having them a lot of the next few days. I don't think it was done in any sort of punishing way, merely she won't be seeing them a lot over the next few days and wants to spend the day with them at MIL's place.

I made sure to be the one to end the conversation and say I had to go.

There could be a million reasons why she was nice to me so I'm not going to speculate here or try and mind read this time - it's pointless. It was almost like there wasn't a problem between us at all though. All I know is I'm glad not to be fighting with her all the time at the moment.

She called whilst I had the kids but I didn't get it and didn't return her call. I hope I'm showing that kid wise I'm reliable and dependable (I know I am, I always have been) but at the same time not always readily available should she want to contact me. At the same time as pulling back, I am being friendly in a neighbourly way and using 'agreement' to try and create some positivity between us when we interact - without overdoing it of course. Again, there could be a million reasons why she is being nice to me but I do hope I have found the right path and the right balance now. All forms of pursuing have stopped. Of course there's many factors to come into play other than her just being nice all of a sudden (OM, MIL etc), and this may prove to be a red herring. It's best to have no expectations, plough on with my own activities, maintain this sort of stance in future exchanges with W as it appears to be working, and just see how things go from there.

The kids did return to the front door just before I left and asked W if I could come in. She said daddy has to go now. I was already leaving but I could hear both children crying on the other side of the door as I left.

The poor little beauties.

I did explain to them in the car on the way back that they should never think that just because daddy isn't with them every day that he doesn't want to be. I told them I love them with all my heart, wish I could see them every day, but that's just the way things are for now. I said if they ever need me I will be there for them and if they ever want to ask me anything I will always tell them the truth. S6 is switched on and understands a lot of what I'm saying. D5 is not as developed yet and quite oblivious to everything going on (thankfully). How I love those children. It is my life's mission to make sure they get the absolute best possible start in life and be affected by all this mess as little as possible!

[Drew]

GAL activities (hopefully) for the next week or so:

Poker with friends.
Italian meet up group.
Recommence learning/self study of Italian.
Socialise/drink or two with local meet up group.
Begin writing jokes (new hobby).
Visit relatives.
Take children out somewhere nice.
Visit the gym at least three times.
Go for a bike ride (weather permitting).
Go for a long walk (weather permitting).
Restart work.
Stop checking to see if W is on IM.

There, much better.

[alpha99]

Hahaha thank you Drew. You know what, coincidental as it may seem, because of my post yesterday and the criticism I (rightfully) received, I decided earlier today that I wouldn't be checking whether W/OM was on the IM app - and I haven't! I won't be checking anymore.

I do feel myself coming to terms with everything. My R with my children is more important than anything. Being able to see them as often as I am this week has made me feel better. I can't control anything but myself...and at last I'm beginning to do that!

[alpha99]

I picked the kids up this morning and have them now until Sunday morning. It still feels strange W not being around to complete our family. I am thrilled to have them of course.

When I went to pick them up W was smiley and friendly. Her face was red just like when she has scrubbed off make up from her face. It stood out as odd. Maybe it was nothing. I certainly didn't ask. Turns out FIL was there but upstairs setting up the kids' bunk beds. He didn't come down to say hello etc.

We only talked for a minute or two. W seems content with herself, seems to have her family at her beck and call to run her errands if need be. At this point I feel I am an unnecessary spare part. Our conversation was only child related, was pleasant enough, and I made sure to end it and leave first. Only when as I was leaving and she mentioned dropping the kids off at MIL's did she say that I had a funny look on my face. I probably did. I don't look forward to having to do that. I didn't make a big deal of saying goodbye - no waving etc. W had already kissed and said goodbye to the kids, so we just left and said 'see you.'

A moment earlier S6 bashed into a cupboard door just as we were leaving. W got angry at him and told him to 'just go.'

I can't help but wonder whether she has noticed that the pursuit has ended. Maybe there hasn't been enough time passed yet. Maybe she doesn't care. She certainly gives the impression that she's happy as she is and also the impression that no pressure from me just means she can live her life without the hassle. I know this might seem too W focused but what takes a bit to write out are just passing thoughts throughout the day.

I have been to the park with the kids, to the supermarket, had them pick out some treats from the shop, played games, watched science videos on youtube, had tea, and now just resting for a bit before we play some more.

I guess the point of this post is that we seemed to have reached a point whereby we have an arrangement over the kids but there is zero talk of anything else. I suppose that is a relief after all the emotional upheaval recently. I know I am being impatient. I see some sign of improvement overall and I want things to be completely better right now. They can't be. I know that. I know I have to have patience, pull back, no R talk, GAL, and so on. I guess I just want her to see sense, that we are/were a family, that things could be better than ever if we just gave it a go. I know she doesn't see it like that right now. She may never see it like that again. I just feel a little frustrated now, that's all.

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha, glad you're having a nice time with the kids. I don't think there is any need for you to feel frustrated. It sounds as though things have settled in your sitch, which is good for both you and the kids.

It's best not to be looking for signs of early change in your sitch direction. All of this takes time, and the thing to aim for is being consistent over a period of time. Who knows what your W is making of it, and it doesn't really matter as long as you are on a direction of travel that is towards being the guy you want to be. W may or may not catch up with that.

As for the red face - I wonder if she's had some sort of peel? Enjoy the rest of your time with the kids.... :-)

[alpha99]

In addition to above, minor I know but I waited in the house for the few minutes I was there, not outside at the front door as previously. W does appear more comfortable around me. When she spoke I looked directly into her eyes. She didn't seem to notice the difference but this is something I will continue to do - focus on her when she is speaking without looking like I'm trying to hypnotize her or something haha.

[alpha99]

Hi toots,

Thanks for your comments. Usually the sort of red face she had would be an indication of her taking off make up. She had the kids last night but they said they were rushed to bed early when I dropped them back off. I'm not going to speculate really because it could be something or it could be nothing. I know guessing doesn't help.

You're right, things have settled. The toxic air and anger permeating through every contact has gone. All signs indicate to her just being happy with her sitch, single, independent, own place, OM? etc.

I can be consistent. Normally I'm Mr consistent. The frustration is a passing thing, as are the thoughts I have about W during the day. I need to have patience. I know we can't fix things over night. It's just where we are right now I see it going one of three ways; like this indefinitely, or she shows signs of interest, or she shows signs of moving on (D proceedings, bringing OM into the open etc).

I hope whilst I GAL etc I am able to positively alter the outcome through my own changes to reach that point of her giving genuine indication she wants to work on things. That is nowhere in sight now. I know it may never happen.