Trying to Follow DB & DR (2)

[Miman2]

That does make a bit of sense Bob, but I think that's where I have a bit of a dilemma.

If I try to look at things from my W's perspective too much, I sympathize with her and cannot forgive myself.
I feel she is the victim and I cannot forgive myself for it.

If I don't look at things from her perspective enough, not only do I grow angry because of her lack of willingness to reconcile, but I start feeling like there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. Which can lead to a slacking off in changes.
I feel like I am the victim and I become angry because of it.

I guess the truth of the matter is we both had our parts we played in getting us to this point.
Unfortunately, neither of us had the foresight to actually do anything productive about it.

Is it enough then to know we're both at fault?
Does this allow me to rationalize both the anger and the guilt I feel?

[Miman2]

Tough morning this morning.

I was dumb enough to check my Facebook before bed last night. W hadn't been on in 5 days, rarely posts anything, and had never posted anything even remotely related to the sitch.

Last night she posts some quote from Steve Jobs about how life is too short to live someone else's life and not do what you really want to do. :-/

Friends and the OC are "liking" it. I keep trying to read what the meaning behind it may be. Last night my thoughts were "this is how she feels and she wants out", this morning I'm trying to convince myself that "she's trying to convince herself that this is how she feels". I know its pointless to mind read. If idle hands are the devil's workshop then idle minds must be his playground.

Either way I unfollowed her posts.

Listening to Christian radio to try and help reestablish some strength.
There was a phrase said that I'm trying to use as my mantra right now:
"God, I know you are fighting my battles for me right now."

Maybe that's how I can get through this without building up too much anger and guilt...

[Mozza]

Good on you for unfollowing her posts. It did wonders for me.

[Drew]

If it upsets you so much to see her posts and you can't resist checking, you should either unfriend her or block her news feed.

[Sotto]

Miman, I don't use FB, but I see a lot of hurt on these boards caused by looking at WAS FB info. You don't need it, and it's good you took steps to unfollow already. As for what you read - who knows why your W posted that....best not to wonder my friend.

((Miman))

[Miman2]

Thanks everyone and thanks for the hugs Toots.

Like I said she rarely posts and when she did recently it was never about the sitch.
Checking in on FB was a reassurance to me because I could check and it said we were still married.

Journalling:

I have 2 interviews for 2 separate positions coming up.
Both are in completely different states.
I'll actually be flown out next month for one, the other one is still at the phone interview stage.
It seems to me that I should be excited about these opportunities opening up.
But I have this growing anxiety about making plans that seem so final in moving on without the W.
I know that she's stated that is what her plan is at the moment, moving in August for her new position without me.
I know I need a new job.
The contract on this one was extended from August 2015 until midsummer 2016.
Something more permanent is the ultimate goal.

I haven't pushed our R or D one way or another with the W since I started trying to DB.
Having these opportunities open before me scare the hell out of me.
Because it seems like I'm the one taking the next step towards D.
That is something I did not want to do.

The alternative would be to not move on, to stay in my current position and wait.
Wait for my prayers to be answered. Wait for things to start to turn around.
Alternatively, I might be just waiting for her to move on without me.
Because I am still willing to work on things no matter what.
I don't want to be the one who gave up.
That is something I don't want to do.

Then the "strategic" thinking starts kicking in.
The thinking that says that maybe by being proactive on physically moving on/away it will initiate a change in my W.
But that would be placing expectations on her and/or probably trying to control her in some way.
By doing something specifically to elicit a response.
Again these are things I don't want to do.

So I feel like the only thing I can do is go back to taking one day at a time.
Taking small steps forward for myself, looking after my future for myself.

[MrBond]

Just remember that even if you move away, there is always a chance. What will benefit you in the long run and "potentially" wife?

[Miman2]

Yeah, there is still a chance after we move.

In the long run a stable job will benefit me. The wife already has her stable job.
Unfortunately the job market seems to be pulling us in opposite directions regardless of the current sitch.

4 months ago the plan was I was going to try to take a job in her company doing something there until we got to FL together.
Then I could look for a more permanent position while still contributing.

If we were to sit down and try to think about who is more "portable" it would have to be the W.
We happened to stay in the area after school because her license was based here in this state.

So instead of me looking for other positions out of state I limited my search to local positions.
I was more than glad to do this because, even in grad school, I prioritized her and us before my career.

Assuming I wind up taking a job and moving before she does, how do I best break it to her?
Do I just skip town and send her a note afterwards?? Seems a bit vindictive.
If the roles were reversed I think I would like a heads up before she left. Maybe.
Maybe, it would be easier on me if she didn't say anything until afterwards. I don't know.

[MrBond]

"Do I just skip town and send her a note afterwards?? Seems a bit vindictive. "

Why is it vindictive? She's the one who hasn't told you what's been going on. You can extend a courtesy and tell her that you're leaving and then stop communications. Show her you've moved on.

[Miman2]

I dunno. I started readying NMMNG last night.
I guess maybe the "nice guy" in me thinks I'll be liked better if I give a heads up that I'm leaving before I actually do.

You're right though, I don't really owe her any explanation of anything I'm doing. Although if I were to do that the question then becomes what I do with all her stuff she didn't take with her? Large Goodwill donation? Box it up and leave it in the apartment?

Again the "nice guy" in me says I should extend a courtesy, tell her I'm leaving, and ask if she would like to come get the rest of her stuff.