Keep on keeping on

[HeavyD]

Thank you Cherry for the words of support.

May God bless you too

[Kramer]

Kramer are you in CA?

yes I am.

[HeavyD]

Hi T

I am not quite sure what you mean by stings. Can you be more specific?

I will do my best to answer your question.

I have started keeping a gratitude journal and listing my many blessings and trying to stay positive which will hopefully leave me in a better mood with myself and everyone else. Hopefully that will lead to me having the mindset to be open to happiness and be more "in the moment".

I have started a "What works Journal" and am listing all the things I am doing that "work" in my situation. Working meaning, no fighting, improved comunication with my WAW, reduced tension, better cooperation, etc...

So far I have learned that she responds best to my being cordial and polite. She also responds best during the morning hours. I have noted the baby steps and will try to build upon that.

So while everything about this situation upsets me greatly, I will continue to be grateful for what I do have, be focused more on ME and what makes me happy (walks, working out, playing music, swimming, reading, eating 3 meals per day, etc...).

I hope this answers your questions. If not, please elaborate.

[HeavyD]

Kramer are you in CA?

Southern California?

[Mozza]

Good on you for starting a gratitude journal. I see it recommended in several places for people who have a rough time, like us. I tried doing it for a while, but couldn't remember or be bothered. My own gratitude journal is a daily pic on Instagram, which forces me to seek beauty around me, gives me a record of my GAL and gives me a daily accomplishment (some days, it's precious!).

The only nuance I would bring is that, the way it was explained to me, you renew your list every day. So the way I would do it was "I'm grateful for the group hug with the kids in my bed this morning" (real life example!), "I'm grateful for the phone call from my friend", "I'm grateful for the delicious meal", etc. If you list that you're happy you have healthy kids only once, you'll arrive to the end of your list after a few weeks. The idea is to force your brain to seek reasons to be grateful all day, finding ideas for your gratitude journal.

Also, I'll state the obvious: You focus way too much on what your WW thinks and does! It will appear clearly to you when it happens: you really need to let go and just start doing the right thing for you. Have you read what Starsky posted about Coach and Greek, the couple that reconciled a few years ago and were both posting here? Here it is.

What Greek says Coach did to win her back:

I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.

It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.

Greek

Think about it and how focusing on you is your best shot at re-attracting your WW. Not wondering how she'll react and what she thinks about every thing you do.

[HeavyD]

Great ideas Mozza about the gratitutde journal and breaking it down for specific things during the day to keep the gratitude going. You are right that I would run out of things to be thankful for it could not be sustained for the long haul.

As for being focused on my WW and her reactions, you are correct and I still fight that issue. I think I am making baby steps at independence. For example, refusing to live in an open marriage is one, refusing to hand over the kids to her (that she wanted) is another, and generally just picking myself up from the floor is another. Hiring a lawyer to protect myself and my children is probably the strongest effort I have made to focus on what is best for ME.

Over the years, I have lost sight of me and from what I have read on these boards that is not uncommon. It is critical that I find ME again. I'm sure I am still there underneath all of this crud. I think it is high time that I rediscover myself and what makes ME happy.

Thank you for posting the Coach and Greek story. I loved it and will refer to it often.

Best - HEAVY

[Kramer]

Kramer are you in CA?

Southern California?

sacramento area.

[HeavyD]

So I have had two friends ask me why they haven't seen us at church lately. I respond diferently now. I said both times:

"Oh, we split up in September". That's it. I don't go into the details or play the victim card like I used to. Just a short and simple, "we split up".

That is way different than how I used to respond and it has taken me a lot of time to accept it and respond that way. I didn't choose it, I didn't want it, but it's over.

I am not a victim but a survivor is how I am framing it now. That is coming from a more postive place I think.

I am putting that in my gratitutde journal that I have grown to accept my new reality more.

[HeavyD]

I was hoping LA

[T384]

By work on what stings I mean what things has W brought up that sting? What things have people here brought up to you that you need to work on? Usually the things that sting when you hear them (or read them) hold some truth.