Vanilla Fudged 12

[Zelda09]

I understand, V. Grief in these situations can be inevitable. If in your heart of hearts you know this R is not, and can not, ever be good for you - then at least two people don't have to condone the bad treatment of you - it is painful enough that one thinks it is acceptable without you choosing to waste your happy to come years also this way.

I must ask - you are a stand up person obviously, but why offer to do anything kind for this man you know you will D? The above passage with the roast almost looks like a pursuit of sorts, an attempt at pleasing him. Would it be kinder perhaps to treat him as though he is no longer anyone you are interested in pleasing or caring for? I say this because I can imagine he may be surprised if it feels like status quo when D day comes. Or at least it would give him a sign that he needs to do some pursuit and development of self if he cares about your M.

I think your gut is correct - if he has any interest in addressing his behavior, he would. Like my H...his minimization of things, arguing about what it was, going as though nothing happened - definitely not a sign that he sees enough wrong with it to not do it again.

Hugs to you! Not to bring up the bittersweet memories, but I am curious - what was it between you both in the beginning that made your M good, the attraction? Were there ever signs that he would become like this, as you look back?

[Vanilla]

Gan
Thanks for dropping by.

Z

I put the beef in the slow cooker instead with ginger, garlic, tomato but I would have roasted it. H bought it and if I wanted to eat some felt it politic. As I would with a flat mate. Plus it is a great piece of beef.

This abusive behaviour started when we got married and deteriorated when H lost his job. There were no signs, a 32 year marriage, a widower with a son and loving family. It started then. All my family liked him, there was no abuse at all, the odd childish tantrum but nothing really. Gambling but H stopped, smoking but he stopped, no real drinking. It all went pair shaped when he lost his job, ranting, abuse, drinking, POWs and smoking. H became a rageoholic. Spent all of his money plus debt. V did a BD 3 months after as the whole things were truly awful and threatening.

H was nice to V for about three months then it went nasty again So I left again for 3 weeks to calm down and get myself together, discovered DB and started to DB.

H then went BD decided he no longer wanted to be with me.

H is just plain abusive and unpleasant to me and has been that way since Feb 2014. He plays golf, goes to the pub and ignores me. Why did he not just leave? I really do not understand him and frankly I leave him to deal with his stuff. He is clearly unhappy with his lot, I did not loose his job, I have no compulsions (other than cheese?), I do not gamble, smoke, drink every day, drive flash cars and spend money that I do not have.

I have neglected my business and am struggling financially, I am a small business owner, and I will turn this round. I put on weight and I am losing it. I dance, go GAL, do DB and generally I am PMA. I am content and will see this as a growth opportunity.

I will not be abused in this way. I will not be ranted at, controlled, manipulated or verbally abused in any way at any time. I am stopping the cycle for good. I will D this abuser for a better life.

I believe that I am a good person who has morals and ethics and enjoys doing her tax planning work for clients who appreciate value and I charge them for it. I make their lives happy. I look to give to others as much as I can as it benefits all of us. I want others to be happy and well as it enriches me. I hope that I come to a place which adds value. I help others manage their finances so they have stability and growth in their lives. I have not been in the best state to do this so generally I am not fulfilling my life purpose.

I consider myself an intelligent woman so do not really understand how I arrived in this space. My previous H1 (died) and H2 (D) both had great love and respect for me. Both were friends and friends behave with dignity and respect, even with H2 during divorce we were cooperative and friendly. My IC says I am not enabler and the problem for H is that he has not been able to control me into that box. So he abuses, isn't that an ugly reality because H does not want to stop abusing, but I will not tolerate abuse.

Is this helpful Z? I am afraid there are no real explanations of why H went this way and further why H appears stuck. perhaps he is not but that is for H to know.

V

[Zelda09]

It is. I enjoyed the big picture of you, too, the way you describe your work as meaningful and why.

I get what you mean about considering yourself intelligent and how did you get here - as so many are telling me, you know it has nothing to do with that.

Especially when so many friends and family are taken with our spouse, too, it tends to placate any nagging concern.

Excited for you and what will be up ahead as you get back to business and have freedom from all this.

[Vanilla]

Nothing much to report. Quietly moving on in my life, this is the way I like it.

Darker with H on personal, civil on business.

H temp checks from time to time but I just respond simply. "thank you H" or "good, have a nice time".

I am no longer attached. Silence and quiet. lovely. H is at golf.

Breathe and work

V

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia. You sound peaceful and that has to be good. H seems quite which is also good. Your detachment is enviable. Take care. Vanillia

[SunnyB]

V, sorry I haven't been keeping up so well. You moved back in with H? Is that because it's closer for work? You seem at peace with it, don't get sucked back into his drama.

[edz]

And I repeat V if it gets too much, dorset isnt far in that lil' red car of yours for a dinner, movie and purry meow from a BFT.

[Dawn70]

Moving on, V...that sounds good. I prefer a quiet, drama-free life myself, so I understand where you are. I am praying for you, my dear lady.

[Vanilla]

RPP,

I am using the Big House a little like a hotel. I stay there the minimum I can. Weekends I am in my tiny holiday flat, I also have a friend with a caravan. I stay with clients and work until late. H is away on a golf trip this weekend so the Big House is safe for four days. We will only stay in the same place for 1 night this week and I am cinema and meal out that night. There are three viewings this weekend too.

So I am ducking and diving, weaving and escaping.

H is very very civil when we talk, admin only. H does not work much at all.

Guys I feel so much calmer and less frantic over my sitch. I await developments. When the Big House is sold then I will move to S then a short period and then D.

The way I feel at the moment is 50:50 on H. It is a good place to be.

V

[Vanilla]

RD, it is lovely time, kind of a limbo. Time to catch up exercise and sleep.

Dawn thank you as always, sister under the skin.

Edz, I will bring chicken for BFT, pedro to share and Vs extra special Caribbean King prawns in home made Malibu sauce.

I presume you have a crazy set of Movies available as your taste is much like mine.

Oh yes, 16 lbs off! Feeling much better about cellulite and bought extra naughties. Looking better........

V