Wife Still in MLC but now left #9

[braveheart]

Matt, as long as the court has no terminated your parental rights, you have a right to equal access to your children's records, that means schools, medical, health, mental or otherwise. You also have equal say in the treatment of them. Trust me on this, I deal with it everyday. Your STBXW is just going to have to accept this.

[123Gwen]

Matt,

I am not sure why you are going through your wife at this point. I would contact the school counselor directly. Let your W and the school counselor know that you desire and are entitled to all the information and communication regarding your daughter. This is not about your marriage and by going directly to the school you are making that statement plain and simple.

Physical custody is not the same as legal custody. Document everything and be completely transparent with the counselor, the principal and the teachers. This will help your daughter.

[Matt165]

Thanks braveheart and Gwen,
Gwen, that's what I've been doing this week. I found out the name of the councilor and tonight emailed the school to let them know I need to be kept involved in my daughters "treatment". On this front my D15 didn't come and stay with me this week because it's the week of state mandated testing. Really dumb idea put forth by politicians that don't have any idea what they are doing and something she didn't have to do at private school. This way she doesn't need to worry about getting up early and take the 33 mile ride to her school. I hate living so far from her school. But like every part of this, my W didn't care about anything but what she wanted. It boggles the mind how selfish the MLCers become even when they weren't that way before their "crisis".

My W contacted me about the IRS notice we got. She is so far not screaming bloody murder and yelling but she has started the blaming and questioning of how I didn't know this or that. Well, she didn't either. That is how she's always been, expects me to be psychic and know everything about whatever subject is causing a problem. They are her taxes too. Why didn't SHE know what was going to happen in the future? The only good thing is she is letting me do what I think best at this point and not fighting my every decision. The last few years she would just disagree with what ever I did just because.

Everyone at my office had individual meetings with the owner today. Mine went better than I expected but it really bothers me that he is the type of boss who feels like he HAS to say something negative about every employee. He can't just say "Good job people" without adding "But you should have done this sooner and it has taken you way too long to get there". It's almost like he's afraid that if he says something nice everyone will start slacking off! I really dislike that but it's his business.

I'm taking my D15 to school tomorrow. Her mother has a dentist appt and if I don't take her she'll have to walk. I haven't had to take her in in awhile since the last week she was here was spring break. It gives me a chance to see her. Her mom told me she cut herself again the other day. She did come and tell her mother after. It's like an addiction, a compulsion. They are going to try CBT over the next 90 days. I hope it helps. It really bothers me that I really believe this wouldn't have happened if not for her mothers MLC. I'm so tired of having to deal with the fall out from my W's actions. But I have no choice. All I can do is try my best to minimize the damage while at the same time deal with trying to rebuild my life and start a new career. Piece of cake!

[JellyB]

Hi Matt. I'm sorry I'm a bit late to your sitch. And if you have already had all of this said before, my apologies if that is the case.

I am curious about what your gorgeous daughter would like from her parents about HER care/custody arrangement . What would suit her? Has she been able to communicate her ideal arrangement?

Ideally what I would love to see is her calling some of the shots. If she changes her mind at short notice giving one or other(w) the flick, to do something that suits her. That, will be a good day, because she is doing to you what her friends are doing to their parents. She is being a teenager and that is a great thing!

Please don't think because she is cutting and displaying emotional distress she doesn't have her own solution to this issue. I know she does.

Most young people I have worked with around these kind of issues, end up voting with their feet, they start to refuse to do what either parent wants and they do what suits them, and developmentally that is right on track. At her age she has the right and expectation to negotiate with her parents about what works for her. boundaries and guidance from parents of course.

I do however get the impression from you that W is not able/willing to negotiate at this time?

Also how serious is the cutting? This behaviour sits on a continuum...possible attention seeking at one end and at the other possible mental health issue

Cutting is about how she manages her distress and emotions...and from what I know personally and professionally...this behaviour is completely surmountable with the right support and treatment. If she is at the serious end do some reading on DBT it's a therapy that caters for people who cut. There is something called the ice cube technique, where when the person is emotionally overwhelmed and have the desire to cut, they take two ice cubes in each hand and focus on staying in the moment. I have been told that this provides amazing distraction and relief from the urge to cut.

Look when teenagers are in crises and adult behaviour is not helping, I focus on the teen, build their mental toughness and resiliency and encourage them find a safe way to detach from their parents stuff and build their resources elsewhere, a safe adult like an aunt, a friends parent, a teacher. Help your daughter find these people, encourage her to use them. And I talk to them about what lights them up ton the inside, that makes them happy, and we make those things happen more often...it's like GAL. The kids that can do this stabilise in the moment and thrive in the future!

Sorry for the length of this but, when it comes to kids in these situations I get a bit passionate...


Hold hope and let your gorgeous girl know everyday, that no matter what you got her back.

If one person can save a marriage, what why can't One parent save their kid.

I know you got this!!!!

Jellyb x

[123Gwen]

Matt, just checking on you. Hope things are going better this week.

[Matt165]

Hi Gwen and thank you so much Jellybean. You really gave me a lot of insight.

To answer your question Gwen, things are still very stressful. I am at a deadline with the IRS to get the P/W done, my D15 asked to stay with her mom this week and I told her that it was up to her. I really didn't want to lose her this week but I know she is wanting more control over her life. I feel like by backing off and letting her know I'm on her side, no matter what, she will feel less pushed and will actually want to spend more time with me. I had her the whole weekend and even had D19 and her boyfriend come over and stay the night Saturday. We all had so much fun we stayed up to 4:00 AM because we lost track of time! My boss at work is in one of his moods again and is talking about how he may need to fire someone (which he won't according to the people who have been there the longest) he just is so negative when he would get better results being positive with everyone.

The worst new news is that I got a message from a former client from the oil company I left in December. He was upset asking that I get back with him and talking like I was still with the company. I couldn't take the call at work so I emailed him when I got home. Seems that he can't reach anyone from my former company, isn't getting anything from his investments and hasn't even gotten his tax documents! I was asked not to contact my old clients so they could tell them I left so I haven't spoken to any of them. Now I'm worried that they have gone out of business and just left them all high and dry! I hate that! I know I have no control and it's not my fault but they bought from me and I feel I let them down. Worse, they may all believe I'm still with the company and who knows what they are doing! more stress I don't need.

I have to do taxes with W and she was supposed to come over and do them Sunday but was out of town and cancelled last min. I had told my D19 I would drive her home as she wanted to stay and see her mom (she has only seen her once since X-Mass!) but when W called and cancelled I made arrangements to bring her and D15 to my MIL's and they could spend time with her. W was actually not at all thankful that I put myself out so she could see her daughter but I didn't do it for her, I did it for D19 who really wants to have a R with her mom but her mom just refuses to make any effort. Yesterday she texted complaining about how I need to pay for something for the D. I told her I have a plan and will have it payed by the end of the month. She texted back that she was glad I had a plan and she was just very stressed out and "wants to get this over with" (meaning the D). Again, all will be well simply because she has that piece of paper!

Today I really thought it would be better to just disappear, just no longer keep trying. It just seems that no matter what I do, how hard I try, I never make progress. The IRS thing may be the last straw. If that doesn't go well I'm not sure what I'll do. It could end up putting me so far in a hole I'll never get out. Or it could go well and I'll be able to settle for a much smaller amount like I read about all the time.

I'm having trouble sleeping, I'm always on edge. I just need a break and there just never seems to be a single one to be had! My family was the thing I cared about the most in this world and my W's MLC took that away. My D15 is so hurt and confused. She feels so out of control and I can relate. She is the reason for me to keep going on. She needs me and I have to push through all this so she can see that no matter what happens in your life, you take responsibility and work your way out of it. I need to remember this because it's the thing that keeps me going when everything around me is falling apart. I guess that makes me lucky. At least I have that.

[123Gwen]

It sounds like you have been through the wringer this week. I can relate to a lot of those feelings too. D16 hasn't spoken to H since August. She is extremely detached and says that H must be accountable or there isn't any reason to talk. Very black and white. I must admit I admire her conviction.

What can I say that you don't already know? You have much to be proud of and time will help give you strength.

As for the work situation I am in a very negative work environment right now and it sure taps your mental and physical energy. Try to keep the boundaries clear and take care of yourself personally and professionally. If you are true to your morals then you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

Sending you good vibes Matt.

PS - D19 also brought friends home last weekend. I can totally relate to your life with your two girls. My H just walked away after 25 years. Being present and showing them they matter is huge. Hang onto that because it is, by far, the best legacy you can leave to these two young women. You have my admiration and respect.

[dejavu2]

As a mother to a D15 and D14, I really feel for your situation. It is tough being a teenager. Does your daughter have any special interests or passions? Keep her engaged in what she enjoys doing. My D15 is wanting more and more space, but I know this is a normal part of growing up. Stay connected as best you can to D15.
My girls have seen first hand examples of many different negative ways of handling teenage stress, they have watched some friends self harm, others are anorexic and others have turned to alcohol. All are a cry out for control.
Keep in tune with the advice her IC is giving her and stay involved.
Regardless of the work stress and IRS issue - you are still a great dad and that father/daughter connection is priceless.

[Matt165]

Thanks Gwen and deju, you both made my day.
D15 just no longer seems to have any passions anymore. She used to write poetry (she won a city wide contest against kids up to 12th grade when she was only 10 and her poem published and was invited to read it at a huge event) and has now lost interest. She used to be an excellent flute player and now has no interest in that. She took a photography class and started to like that but doesn't want to take it further. She quit gymnastics the same time her mom bombed me. I try and get her to be involved in things she likes but the only thing that interests her now seems to be music and the bands she likes (very 15 like). I really think she is feeling out of control. She feels like she has to choose between her mom or me. I am always there for her, she knows she can count on me. Her mom, not so much. She wants her mom's attention at the same time she wants her independence. Her mother was unable to give her the right kind of attention before she left, now it's even worse.

Here's an example....a few weeks ago when D15 was staying with me (on a Sunday) D15 asked me if I could take her and a couple friends she had spent the night with to the local outlet to go shopping. Me and 3 teenage girls clothes shopping...oh boy! But I know she doesn't get to see these friends often (from her old school). It was the happiest I've seen her in ages! In the end, I had fun because she was having fun. When my W found out what we had been doing she said "She asked you because she knows I'd NEVER take her". I couldn't believe it. She seemed PROUD of herself having that attitude! Why wouldn't she want to do that? Is taking 4 hours out on a Sunday afternoon to do something special for your teenage D so horrible? Is it not what all the "cool" MLC women do on their Sundays? I know she has spent at least 2 weekends away helping her friends "boyfriend" move into a place in a city fairly far away where he just got a new job. Hours of driving, having to pack and work helping someone she hardly knows and she doesn't hesitate to do that but ask her to do something for her own D and that's just not going to happen! And she wonders why D15 is so hurt she is harming herself and feels like a failure.

This morning I went and took her to school. She would have had to walk the 20 min's to get there if I hadn't because her mother had to be in work early. It put me out, made me 45 min's late for work (I only missed stuff crazy boss wants us to do that is supposed to "motivate" us, no big deal there) and took me 60 miles out of my way round trip but you know what? It was a chance to see her, to show her I'm there for her. I found out that she broke up with her latest "boyfriend" (crazy what 15 year old girls consider "boyfriend", they hardly saw each other outside of school) I talked about her meetings with her IC, just showed her that I care enough to put myself out a little to help her. She was grumpy, tired (all teens seem to be tired all the time!) but I got to see her. This weekend my D19 is going camping at a music fest with her boyfriend. She has asked me to take care of her over active, barely house trained puppy. She borrowed a tent from me, asked me to drive to her place to get the dog. She knows she is asking a lot but knows she can count on me. Tonight she texted asking for a blow up mattress. I told her her mom took it. What did she say? Well she said she was afraid to borrow it because if something happened and it got a hole or something, her mom would make her buy her a new one. She's afraid to ask her mom to just borrow something, how sad is that?

When my w left she said that D doesn't hurt kids, as long as we acted "right", they would be fine. She even said she would be a "better" mother because she would be so happy. i know we have all asked this question and there is not only no answer, you can drive yourself insane trying to make sense of it...but what is wrong with the MLC mind that they can be so uncaring about their own kids, the S who stood by them through thick and thin, so many people and things that they used to care so much about? The $60,000 question, right?

Even now, after her own D is cutting herself, she still isn't slowing down, still refuses to look at how her own actions and how they have hurt so many. Not the kind of person she used to be, for sure, but who she seems to be proud of being now. I think that's one of the hardest things to take about the MLCers, how they seem to relish being the "bad" boys and girls.Think they are being "sophisticated".

She left me when I needed her help with income the most. Left me with no money (negative actually as she over-drew our account before she left) and no real means to make enough to just live. Took the most valuable things we collected over the years. Went to a lawyer when she said she wasn't, left and rented a place for a year after saying that a "trial separation" was worth trying, lied about her plans, tried to get a lawyer and get what she wanted before I could get one of my own. Accused me of all sorts of crazy stuff that never happened except in her own mind. It isn't even that she left me that bothers me the most. It's the way she did, how she didn't (doesn't) care how badly she has hurt me, the stress she has put me under, how she has destroyed so much of everything we both worked so hard for. That is what bothers me. Not what but how. Not if but when she choose to do it. Not how what she did hurt me but how it has hurt her own kids and the total lack of caring. That she took away my best friend and the person who would have helped me through all the bad things that have happened since she left, even if most wouldn't have happened if not for her.

So, here I am. Swimming for my life as I watch my D's suffer and all I worked my whole life for fall away. As I try and start over, new job, new priorities, new everything and also try and get past the last of the bad things from the old (like the IRS mess). Not easy. Very hard in fact but my only choice at this point because if I don't succeed, if I let myself fail, I also fail my D's, I also guarantee tht their lives will forever be changed for worse. Failure is NOT an option!

[123Gwen]

So true faillure is not an option! Now I want to pose this question. What is success to you? I am sure you define it differently after the events of the last year or two. Imagine focusing on that rather than W.

Matt I know you are frustrated and venting her is a great way to work through things. I completely understand but try really hard not to put so much focus on your W. She is not your friend right now. She is more like an annoying co-worker at the moment. Someone you have to deal with but not somebody who cares about you.

You are letting W have a whole lot of space inside your head. Your daughters need you to detach even more. They need to see you strong and happy and independent. D15 is at an age where the best thing you can do is to accept what she is feeling and doing at that moment. Even if W hadn't left this would be a time of great change for D15. Embrace it with her and focus on the moment.

So getting back to defining success? Focus on that vision and that life without your W. Yes without your W. What does it look like? How would you feel? You have the chance right now to redefine everything. Let your girls see that Dad. If they are frustrated with W offer a work around. Treat W with as much detachment as possible. Show your girls how to do that and they will be stronger too.

Hang in there.