Getting back to me

[Sotto]

Hi Mustardseed, I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you do at the moment. I work in human resources, and the advice we would give would always be - talk to your manager. Do you have a reasonable relationship with them and would you feel able to share with them how you are feeling right now?

One thing I have learned over the years is that work is - just work. We sometimes feel indispensible and as though if X doesn't get done the world will almost stop turning. But the fact is, there are always ways of resolving things. If I am out of the picture for a little while, someone else will step in and do what needs to be done - particularly if you work for a larger company.

The important thing to recognise is that your stress has become 'distress' and you are feeling immobilised when you sit down and try to do some work. That's a clear message that you need to take some steps to resolve things. No employer wants someone who works for them to be feeling that way about work.

Hopefully your manager will be supportive, but if you have any concerns and there is an HR function within your company, I would certainly have a chat with them too. Also, does your company have a stress policy? It may be worth checking. Many larger companies will. Ours has a stress risk assessment form. You work through this with your manager to identify stressors, and then look at what steps can be taken if these arise.

I hope these suggestions are useful, Mustardseed, and that you'll start feeling much better soon. Take care (((Mustardseed)))

[mustardseed]

I might need to make an appointment with a dr if it doesn't get better. I can usually talk myself out of stressful situations. The problem is that my job is the problem. Right now my job is the turmoil.

I'm a first year special education teacher who was given a class that started a few months into the school year. It is made up of students from different classes and different grade levels--mostly behaviors but the one silver lining of all of this is that most of the behaviors have greatly improved since the class began. These kids came a long way in that area, but the academics are where I am struggling and that is a big deal. It is making everything else fall apart. My planning is the worst part of it because I just don't have the time, and it is also not my strong suit. I realize now that I am better at troubleshooting then planning. I think that is why I enjoyed being an assistant working with students with various behavior struggles. As the teacher I have to leave that up to the assistants and it is hard for me to not get involved. But when I get involved the rest of the class falls apart.

The class was put together very quickly and I wasn't prepared for how it was all going to work. 5 months later I feel like every few weeks I am given suggestions that kind of throws everything off-kilter. There was a vision for how this class should run, and I an unable to make it happen. The challenge of trying to get it right has made me drop the ball on even the simplest tasks. And the fact that I come home to my own children with their own needs and their own turmoil in our current situation makes me feel like there is not one area of my life that I can do well right now.

I have a bunch of assistants who are all certified teachers and I feel judged by them. I am pretty sure two of them went to the principal to complain about me, and I am sure they have valid reasons but I wish they would have come to me first. The whole situation is such a mess. I'm falling apart and it is written all over my face. My principal gave me the heads up that my contract will probably not be renewed. She feels awful. She knows my current situation we discussed how this position came at both the right time and the wrong time. She said that if I didn't have children having such a challenging job probably would have been the perfect distraction for me. But because there is so much going on at home, I just don't have the time to devote to getting this job done right. She is wonderful and I hate that I let her down, but part of me is relieved about it. The other part is dreading the next 3 months. Because I know I can't do it the way it needs to be done. I have meetings with parents coming up that has me in a panic. I am dreading planning the lessons because I know that I can't get it right. The best I can do is what I tried in the past, which wasn't what they want.

I have learned a lot about myself in all of this, though. I learned that teaching is not for me. I like working with the kids 1 on 1 or 2 on one. I like dealing with behavior strategies and positive discipline. I like working with the autistic population doing ABA and discrete trials. I don't enjoy planning and I'm not very good at it. I am much better as a troubleshooter. I like being in the moment. I'd rather react to situations that need to be dealt with then to plan out some scary unknown future. I like coming up with plans, but they are plans to help navigate the unexpected rather than plans to road map a certain situation before it happens. I think that is why my work anxiety level is always higher during school breaks and weekends. When I am in the moment I am just reacting. When I am thinking about what will happen I am panicked.

Maybe that is also why in my current marital situation I am still hanging around. Right now I am not trying to save my marriage, but I am also not moving to end it. The problem is the H is very much the same as me. Limbo might be our status quo for a long time coming until something major changes. Maybe losing my job is the major change?

[Vanilla]

Msd

Sounds to me like mild anxiety attacks, baby ones. Please take care, as giving up work and retreating may be the last thing you need. Yes, it may relieve the anxiety for the short term and can make your world gradually smaller.

My lovely one, this is very great pressure for you, anxiety (if that is what it is) is one of the easier behaviours to resolve, can I suggest you approach your doctor to chat about this and see if this may be anxiety. Just the description sounds familiar and it is worth knowing, but I am no doctor so my assessment may be incorrect and it is something else.

Anxiety is a rush or flooding emotion which will overwhelm you. It comes on very quickly in the space of a couple of minutes and takes about 45 minutes to calm down. It may leave you exhausted and weary. It is hormonal (can also be exhilarating) and may interfer with the rhythm of your breathing (too much or too little) so often regulating breathing can calm you. Response is good to CBT.

How do I know?

I suffer from ADD and anxiety goes with that sometimes. It leaves me feeling unattached to my body and cold with pins and needles in my hands and feet. Sinking feelings in my tummy, it passes and back to normal within an hour or so. I do not have full blown panic attacks though, just fearful episodes very occasionally. Knowing what they are then this too shall pass.

If this is the case, it is uncomfortable but non fatal. The human body can cope with its own hormones so it is scary but not damaging.

V

[mustardseed]

Thank you for all of your encouraging words. Today I felt much calmer. I took baby steps and I got some work done. And it wasn't too bad. I was able to incorporate a bit of what was suggested along with what I felt comfortable with. I doubt it will save my job, but it might help me get through the rest of the year. I have a little more to do tomorrow, and then I will take a deep breath and hope for the best.

I just had a function at my kids' school and I managed to avoid the "very good friend". I was pretty anti-social in general, but my kids did a great job. H couldn't make it so it was pretty painless.

[mustardseed]

Msd

Sounds to me like mild anxiety attacks, baby ones. Please take care, as giving up work and retreating may be the last thing you need. Yes, it may relieve the anxiety for the short term and can make your world gradually smaller.

My lovely one, this is very great pressure for you, anxiety (if that is what it is) is one of the easier behaviours to resolve, can I suggest you approach your doctor to chat about this and see if this may be anxiety. Just the description sounds familiar and it is worth knowing, but I am no doctor so my assessment may be incorrect and it is something else.

Anxiety is a rush or flooding emotion which will overwhelm you. It comes on very quickly in the space of a couple of minutes and takes about 45 minutes to calm down. It may leave you exhausted and weary. It is hormonal (can also be exhilarating) and may interfer with the rhythm of your breathing (too much or too little) so often regulating breathing can calm you. Response is good to CBT.

How do I know?

I suffer from ADD and anxiety goes with that sometimes. It leaves me feeling unattached to my body and cold with pins and needles in my hands and feet. Sinking feelings in my tummy, it passes and back to normal within an hour or so. I do not have full blown panic attacks though, just fearful episodes very occasionally. Knowing what they are then this too shall pass.

If this is the case, it is uncomfortable but non fatal. The human body can cope with its own hormones so it is scary but not damaging.

V

That sounds like what I have been experiencing. Today I felt better. I just forced myself to do little things, and once I got started I was able to keep going. I took frequent breaks and drank lots of chamomile tea. I still have more to do, but it feels much more manageable right now. I keep telling myself that right now I am not in it to impress anyone, or to save my job. Just to do what I can to survive the next few months with as much dignity and strength as I can muster. If I am let go, then that is ok. I will move on. If not--well, sometimes that feels like the scarier option at this point, but the money is good and motivating.

[Vanilla]

Mad

Please go and take care, chat to your doctor. This is nothing you have to do alone.

I sense that you are like a rabbit looking at the headlights of an oncoming car. This is a very sad time, difficulties at home, a sensation of lack of achievement at work. Your head teacher sounds very valuable too as a resource.

Msd you are struggling alone and really that may not be the best way, seeking help is a strength. Discussing your choices with an independent party deciding if teaching is the right choice and which type of involvement are big decisions.

If you were choosing a pension, selecting an investment, looking at a complex legal case, having serious surgery then you would take advice and go looking for resources. This is the same, two major life events and serious change to face with lowered confidence, really tough. Msd use every resource you have and amoung those is extra medical help. You may also want career advice. Can your head help with a resource or contact. You seem to want to adopt the English reserve position, that is fine, and extra resources and help can be part of that.

Msd remember that the sense of feeling insufficient is compounded by life events, two life events more than doubles the feeling. So this may be quadruple the effect of a single issue. Work and home, RPP also faced this double whammy according to my notes.

I prefer to see this as an opportunity for you to grow and change and it could be delicious strength to have support through this, so that Msd can move faster to where she needs to go.

I recollect a brave Msd going GAL to new destinations in the city one night. This bravery is in Msd to use and gives her strength.

V

[Ggrass]

I know about work drama. Not in the teaching field but often it's made worse by gossiping helpful people.

Just don't worry too much untill it reaches the point the principle comes and starts making noise. Anything else is just rumor.

Or if you really felt you needed to go see the head person in charge and ask for an a
Asment or help with managing things.

Anxiety only gets worse if you feed it, so being out there doin is the best way to kill it off.

[mustardseed]

Thank you everyone. I wonder if I can get in to see my doctor today. Unfortunately it isn't rumor, it is the principal who gave me the heads up that she might not renew my contract because it isn't working out. Although, I have a feeling a few other people were aware of this before I was--not that I didn't see it coming, I know I am floundering.

You are right about the gossip making it worse. I've worked in this school for a very long time as a sub and as an assistant, and have a good rapport with my coworkers. They all thought I would do better in this position then I am doing. My TAs are mostly new and don't know me very well and don't have any sort of loyalty to me, especially since they started the year with other teachers--experienced teachers--and I was a peer. Two of them are seeking teaching positions, 2 of them used to be teachers themselves, and I can tell they are frustrated by how I am doing things. The other has been working in the school for longer than me and we always had a good rapport. I like to think she is on my side, but I think she has lost faith in me.

The principal said that nothing is final yet, but there was something in the conversation that told me this was no longer a "let's see if Msd can turn it around" and more of a "start looking into other options, unless some sort of miracle takes place". Either way, I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I'm curious about the resources available to help me explore my options and feelings. It took me 8 years to land this job--public school teaching jobs are really hard to come by in this area. It took multiple diplomas and lots of student loans. Right now I can't imagine wanting to do it for another year, but I don't know if that is just current circumstances clouding my judgement, or if this really isn't the right path for me. Once I give it up there is no turning back, and it would be good to know if it is the job that is wrong, or the timing.

Every first year teacher seems to ride a similar roller coaster. My first year assignment is wrought with challenges beyond the typical first year experience. The principal is as pressured as I am to make it work because the class was her idea as a way of giving these students a smaller placement to help curb some of the behaviors and learning struggles they were having in the larger setting. To get support for a program like this, from parents and higher ups, there were a lot of promises and expectations. I am struggling to meet those expectations and if it fails it falls on her. I understand her position. I know that she is losing as much sleep over this as I am. And at first I was just resigned to the fact that I am doing the best I can with what I have available, but the stress has compounded and made me drop the ball on even the obvious things. I can't excuse those mistakes. Home problems are not an acceptable excuse, but they are my reality right now.

I think part of when I started really feeling the pressure was after my last observation. Suggestions were made to change what I was teaching and how I was teaching. What I heard was major curriculum overhauls was what was expected, and I had no idea where to begin. The next day d11 was sick, and for the past 2 years when she had gotten a cold she ended up hospitalized in ICU with asthma for nearly a week at a time. I was afraid that it would happen again. So I had to take a day off to take her to the dr. She was put on steroids. Luckily we avoided the hospital this time around, but that weekend when I was compounded with work stress, she was having emotional breakdowns. We all were.

D11 is like a rock, she is always happy and always seems to handle things well. Seeing her break down was alarming to me. She was saying how she feels she has no control over her feelings, that she is afraid she is going to get kicked out of school because she can't concentrate and hasn't been able to finish her homework. Going on and on about how she doesn't want to move, and she doesn't want anyone to move (me or H). How she never wants to change schools. Then she was saying how she is hungry but can't eat and she is scared. This all happened at the same time. I did what I could that weekend to try and make changes to my planning, but I was really thrown off, because it became obvious that my kids need more of my time. Time that this job has taken away. So my implementation of the work suggestions fell short--and everything else that was coming up for work was neglected.

After talking to H and taking d11 back to the dr for a follow up we learned that he steroid is probably what contributed to D11's breakdown. And her appetite returned a few days after being off of it. That was a relief, but also a wake up call that they need more of my time. And I don't know if I can successfully pull of my work obligations and still give my children the attention they need during this turmoil. I miss having a job that didn't have to consume every waking minute of my day--and even most of those minutes that I am sleeping. Maybe if I was in my 20s with no kids this would work out better. Maybe if my kids weren't in turmoil right now and their only stresses were school, friends, and extra curriculars, this would be the perfect time for me to devote to getting this career off the ground. Or maybe I'm just not cut out for it.

[Vanilla]

Msd

If this were me, I would review the position with each person involved. Clarify the expectations of teachers, principle, students. Perhaps the expectations were too high, too soon? Perhaps you need extra/different resources.

What went right, what went wrong. What can easily be changed.

Examine a plan, ask for help from a more experienced 'safe' teacher to assist you to put that together and help for you to decide what you might prefer. Even if you leave or get asked to move to a different role or are let go then it will be clearer to you where the problem areas are. No one wins a battle single handed.

If you would like to discuss specific issues then I can suggest and feedback and there is so much expertise here on the board to provide a balanced view.

Mad, you got this!
V

[mustardseed]

Thank you V. I return to work on Tuesday and I am very anxious about it, but I got pretty much all of my planning done, with a few tweaks for two students still needed. I still have to write up a bunch of reports. This was one awful, anxious break that just keeps getting worse, and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper into the ground.

Last night I found out that H had signed up to do a charity run with OW. I found the roster for those who signed up. There is no one else from work, just the two of them and one of his buddies who is not connected. That felt like a slap in the face that he is now including her in plans with friends from outside their shared environment. I confronted him, probably should have left well enough alone but with everything I am carrying right now my panic attacks where so unbearable, I had to unload. Of course it made everything worse.

Apparently he had also made plans with her yesterday to get the girls together. i think he was also originally part of the plan but back peddled a bit. I told him I was ok with her going if I was the one to drop her off. He said ok, and then later stated that she did not feel comfortable with me coming to her home. On a side note, H had previously arranged situations where OW dropped D off at my house--she wasn't afraid of running into me then? I told him that if she had a problem with me dropping my own daughter off at a play date then she needs to tell me directly. Of course she didn't, I dropped off and she hid in her house, she sent her kids out to meet D in the drive way. H insisted that he pick up. He was a real douche about it. He was gone for the day, ended up signing up for a new phone contract without checking to see if dropping the line for our current contract would cause a problem. He called me from her house when he was picking up D to tell me about the new phone. Then he told me he is trying to figure out how to get me out of our home, and suggested I leave last night. I refused.

I was kind of relentless with pressing for information and I did pile on a bit--maybe a lot I don't know. I got some info, but I'm still not satisfied and I know that I need to detach and that everything I did for the past 24 hours was the opposite of that. I think that there is no turning back at this point. He told me that I am unraveling. I told him I am going through a really tough time, and that when he went through his tough time I was there for him. I never turned my back on him. He said that I wasn't as supportive as OW was. I said, I tried to be but you turned away from me. He admitted that that was probably true, and maybe one day on his rode to recovering his happiness I will have to be one of the people he apologizes to.

So I now have a confirmed EA. I have an H who is so caught up in controlling the entire situation that he has given OW power to dictate if I am allowed to drive my own children to play dates due to her discomfort. I told him that I need to be included in plans and that she needs to get over her shame of facing me if she plans to invite my kids over to her house. I did nothing to this woman except ask her if there was something going on between them back in October. I accepted her answer, apologized for making things uncomfortable for her, and have been nothing but civil and friendly to her ever since. She has given me dirty looks and runs away from me every time she sees me. Either he is feeding her BS about me, or she has a guilty conscience.

But the fact of the matter is that it is killing me. DBing was so much easier before I suspected OW. Last year I felt like I was making such great progress, but this woman has made it impossible to detach. Now my marriage is really over. I don't think I can save it. I don't want to move without my children. I don't want her involved with my children--but it is too late for that. The only way to avoid that is to interfere with the girls' friendship (which I am pretty sure has been fostered and pushed together by the two of them because the girls have know each other since birth and never were that close until this year), or to pull the kids out of the school--which will be terrible for them. I'm stuck with this woman and it makes me sick.

So in such a muddied situation, is there a place for boundaries? Am I in the right for insisting that if D goes to their house I have the right to do the drop off and pick up regardless of how much discomfort it causes OW?