Alpha One, Alpha All #

[Starsky309]

I've waited the best part of an hour to call W back. I went for a walk around the park as I did. One, it is a nice day so why not. Two, I don't want to appear that I'm sat in the house doing nothing all the time.

Excellent!


Starsky

[twinmom]

Good job!

Now how are you doing on the "working on you" list?

Making progress on viewing your wife differently? (Not just keeping your mouth shut but actually NOT "keeping score" or judging her parenting)

Just remember you won't "nice her back" either so don't play doormat when it comes to favors she asks of you.

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha, I agree with Twin about the 'doormat' advice.

You say your W is being pretty nice lately. Please don't start to feel this is a sign of change in your sitch. That is likely to take much longer, if it happens at all. It's much more likely that she wants you to co-operate on the sale of the house. By all means be pleasant in response, but plough your own furrow here...

Sounds like you are doing well though...

[alpha99]

Good job!

Now how are you doing on the "working on you" list?

Making progress on viewing your wife differently? (Not just keeping your mouth shut but actually NOT "keeping score" or judging her parenting)

Just remember you won't "nice her back" either so don't play doormat when it comes to favors she asks of you.

Hi Twinmom,

I think I'm doing well. Upon picking the kids up today D5 had felt tip pen on her hands and a blocked up nose. I noticed both, only mentioned the pen to W in case she hadn't realised it was there, and left without thinking much about it at all really. There's work to do still of course but I am learning to let the small stuff go and not be so judgmental. I think I'm loosening up parent wise. I have always been very protective of the kids. Seeing the kids respond well to having a little more freedom (both in MIL's house and out and about) has led me to giving them a little more freedom. I guess I have my W to thank for that.

I'm aware I won't nice her back. My 'agreement' is a means of avoiding debate and argument. I won't go along with anything I don't agree with in the normal sense - only validate her thoughts to avoid an argument. She hasn't really asked for any favours. Well, a lift when I was going to town anyway. *More below.

[alpha99]

Hi Alpha, I agree with Twin about the 'doormat' advice.

You say your W is being pretty nice lately. Please don't start to feel this is a sign of change in your sitch. That is likely to take much longer, if it happens at all. It's much more likely that she wants you to co-operate on the sale of the house. By all means be pleasant in response, but plough your own furrow here...

Sounds like you are doing well though...

Hi Toots,

Thanks for your words of caution. As I've said, I see no change of view at all regarding our sitch from W. She is nice regarding the kids, being a little more flexible and relaxed in general, and whilst they could be seen a good, positive things, I am well aware that she could be 'playing' me to get what she wants. I looked back at three months' old text messages last night by chance (phone went funny). It was a clear reminder that she has lied to me on a consistent basis for at least a good seven months now. I'm not going to be trusting of her actions or words for a long time.

[alpha99]

I'm tired now.

Had a great afternoon out with the kids involving ice cream, parks, football, knights and castles. The last two there stem from their imaginations.

W's friend is a different element in this. They're not particularly close friends - more neither of them has any other real friends it seems. W's friend most probably fancies me. In the recent past W had accused me of flirting with her (I wasn't, more just being polite to W's friend as you would do). W also claimed her friend was 'checking me out.' I did notice this and felt a bit uncomfortable. This friend also said I was a good guy outside school a few weeks ago. The whole thing there is a total non starter but I just hope she isn't doing any damage by cheerleading me to W.

*W tried to call and left VM about two hours ago asking if D5 could go to the cinema with her school friend and mum on Saturday. I have the kids Saturday. I don't know if this constitutes a favour but I'm not willing to give up my day with the kids to have half of it taken over by a cinema trip.

1) I've checked the kids' club films for Saturday and D5 has seen them all quite recently. 2) Kids' club is on almost every day over the Easter school holidays so picking another day when W should have the kids shouldn't be a major issue.

In fact, I'v just replied to W saying this:

'Hi W, I've just got your VM. I know D5 would enjoy the cinema. However, I have plans to go out for the day on Saturday with the kids'.

I was thinking along the lines of accepting it would be a nice thing for D5 but not agreeing to it, being direct in saying I had plans, but being vague and not revealing what those plans are. Finally, not making any apology.

**My computer just crashed. Thankfully this message I'm writing out was saved. In the meantime W has just replied**

W: Hi hope kids ok .. was going to text you back but thought you might be asleep . I told school friend's mum you will prob be taking them out and to rearrange next week when I'm available thanks for getting back to me.

I'm trying to think of a decent reply now before going to bed soon.

[twinmom]

No need to reply to that.

[alpha99]

Arghhh I wish I had listened to my first instinct, which was not to reply.

About 40 minutes after I received the text I did reply just saying:

Kids are fine, they had a good afternoon. D5 really loves her school friend doesn't she. She'll be made up when you tell her about the cinema trip next week.

I wish I hadn't now, though I don't think that particular text will have done much damage.

[alpha99]

W's morning reply to my text: I know. she loves her sooo much awww.

Took the kids back. W invited me in 'for a few minutes'. (unusual). Kids played in the backyard and we just sat and chatted on the couch for around 15 minutes. W loosening up/slightly opening up to me. I paid her close attention when she spoke. I looked directly at her. We smiled looking at each other quite a few times, laughed over one or two minor things. We are getting on quite well - in a restricted sort of way.

W seemed to be fishing for me to mind the kids as MIL won't this morning whilst W wants to go and get a fake tan. I pointed out I am working today.

W: So, did you go out on Wednesday? Did you have a good time?
M: Yes, I did. It was excellent actually.

From the way she asked and her facial expression it clearly bothers her what I get up to. It's like she wants to test the water to see if I'm moving on. Maybe this has been brought about by stopping all pursuit. She doesn't know it was the Italian meet up. I didn't tell her. Let her wonder, I thought - be mysterious!

S6 was naughty for W when we returned. She asked how he'd been for me. Excellent, I said. 'So, he's just playing up for me then' was her reply. The accusations of spoiling the kids have stopped.

Her fake tan is prep for a night out tomorrow. She said it was a workmate's birthday. She went out of her way to explain that it was only girls from work going out. It was like she was speaking in code to say OM wouldn't be there. There's no way at any other time she would have made this point.

As like the other day, I gave W a lift back to town with the kids. It's not out of my way at all so no big favour or anything.

W asked if much stuff needs moving from our house before Monday. We discussed it briefly without issue.

Overall, a very pleasant interaction. The longest sustained nice conversation we've had since probably even way before BD. W saying please and thank you to little things - that's something new. W said to kids that 'daddy is very kindly going to give us a lift to town' for example. Lots of smiling amongst the general chit chat. W looking directly at me at times and smiling. I validated wherever possible.

Before I get carried away, there was no sense of anything other than us being nice and polite with each other. I'm fine with that. Before anything else could even potentially happen we'd need *a lot* of time just getting on with each other. W still talking about separate holidays, kids moving school to make it easier for her in future years - in other words plans for and by herself.

Incidentally, last few days show W listening to a few 'break up' songs via YouTube. I get the feeling they aren't being played for me. Who knows? I'm not reading anything into that.

I do think that the LRT is having some effect though. Like MWD says in DR, 'if you think it is working, don't get overly excited. Write it down in your journal...' That's what I'm doing here essentially, making a note of the things that have happened, W's reactions, the positive changes I see. If this was a marathon then we are only just limbering up before the starting pistol fires - there's a long way to go!

[alpha99]

I guess that's where mind reading gets you.

Remember me saying W looking at cars but has no interest in them? Turns out FIL is getting a new one - that matches her searches. Why she was looking in the middle of the night I have no idea.

That's a lesson for the future: don't read anything into online activity. W was listening to break up songs recently, but I saw earlier she was listening to a love song. Go figure!

Instead of wondering what every little thing means, I am trying to turn my attention to myself and the kids. I've had a good week GAL wise, enjoyed time with the kids, and I'm also back working again as of today. I had a pleasant interaction with W this morning...but I should just leave it as that - nothing more!