My dh and I met in 1999 - his wife was dying of cancer and I was just out of a 12 year relationship (me 44, dh 47). I had 2 kids, and he had 2 kids. His wife died in early 2000, and shortly after that I found out I was pregnant (although preventative measures were in place). My life changed in an instant. We moved in together and had four kids and one on the way.
My kids struggled with my divorce, his kids struggled with the death of their mom. But, we made things work. It wasn't long before I started noticing little things about dh. I'd want to go over to my family's place, and he didn't want to go. There was something 'off' with one of his kids, and he didn't want to face it or deal with it. When we went out with all the kids, he would get frustrated, and then avoid taking them all out together. I'd want to make some 'couple' friends, and he wasn't interested. At some point told me he didn't like meeting new people.
When we met, he told me about all the activities he had done, the friends he had, how he spent time with family, etc. etc., yet I was seeing none of that. He couldn't deal with anything 'negative' with the kids, so I did all the doctor/dentist appointments, teacher talks (at age 12 one of his kids was finally diagnosed with ASD, which explained a lot, however this was 7 years after I'd become his parent). He preferred to stay home and watch movies, while I wanted to get out and see friends, or take the kids out.
DH is very talented - writing, art, music, you name it. I encouraged him to do all these things.
After our youngest turned 18mos, we knew we needed a second income, so I went back to work full time. The cost of childcare was huge - and eventually we realized that after dh was paid, and money went out for daycare, it was only giving us a few hundred dollars. So because I had a better paying job, he quit to stay home. I told him in three months I'd like to see him starting his own business. Also that he'd have to take care of household stuff and appts that I had always done. Three years later, he still wasn't working, no business, and I was still responsible for bills, kid appts,
I was laid off work in early 2005, and started applying for jobs. Also told him he needed to try and find something. Thankfully I had a good severance, and went on employment insurance. I finally had found a government job, and had to wait for security clearances. Finally, my mom told us that the place she worked needed someone part time in the warehouse, and would eventually be full time. So he went in for an interview and started there, and has been there since. Not making great money, but he works hard, and he goes.
He has always been loving and kind to me. I know he loves me very much, and would do 'almost' anything for me. However he would come home from work, and sit in front of the TV, or computer, or on his phone. So our 20yo kid with ASD, does the same. Finally graduated last year, but doesn't work, doesn't keep up on hygiene, plays the computer.
DH expresses desire to do outdoorsy things, but doesn't. I make plans, go out with friends, do things with some of the kids. Every now and again we get together with the one couple he is okay with.
I love him, and care about him, however am not in love with him. He has so many issues/anxieties and he will NOT get help. He hasn't been to a doctor or dentist since long before I've known him. I haven't kissed him in at least 2 years (which devastates him) and our sex life is about once every few months, if that. He has such issues with doctors, he has even refused to get life insurance because he doesn't want to see a doctor or get tests (fear of finding out something is wrong).
Had a big talk with him about a week ago stating I"m not happy, and not in love, that I had been trying to figure out what $$ would be left if we sold the house and each got our own place.
He was smart, in that over the next few days he gave me space. I needed to think and was so confused. After some research on the internet, I found somewhere that said "if you are confused, you aren't ready to divorce". I felt better reading that, because I was feeling I needed to do something right away.
We talked again Saturday night. He had been great all week, cleaning up the house, running errands, all stuff he would never do in the past (at least willingly).
I have talked to him about my unhappiness for YEARS. Last time was 6 months ago, and the year before that, and a few years before that.
I've done things to better my life. I became a Hypnotherapist, started exercising, going out, doing yoga...just trying to live happily. But when I walk through the door at home, it's like there is a dark cloud.
So our talk the other night, he said he didn't want to see a marriage counsellor, as he had a hard time even telling me things, and he trusts me more than anyone. When I brought up seeing a dentist and getting life insurance (in my eyes, those are deal breakers), he put up a big wall. He can't even see how he can get to a point of doing anything about those things. He has agreed to try hypnotherapy (which he said last time, and only did one session). I said that HE had to arrange it with me, I wasn't going to bug him about doing it.
Things felt better yesterday, but today I have questions again. I don't know that he actually agreed to anything concrete. Having had these talks so much over the years, I don't believe he CAN do things he says he will.
Oh, and also he indicated that if we were to separate, he only needed a one bedroom simple place. I said what about the kids? (His 2 are 24 and 20, and still live with us, the elder going to university and the younger is the one with ASD) He figured they wouldn't live with him. We also have an amazing 14yo. I said I couldn't believe he would just do that to the kids, and wouldn't he want space for them. He told me he wouldn't want anyone else ever. At some point, he also said "I want to die" (he wouldn't actually commit suicide as he's too afraid of everything and can't swallow pills). I was upset and mad saying he should be ashamed for putting that on me.
So I have made an appt to see a counsellor myself, however I still feel lost. He won't see a marriage counsellor because he "has a hard enough time telling you things, and I trust you more than anyone". I love and care for him. He is my best friend. I like sharing with him. However, I feel I've been held back from so many things. I can't imagine retiring with him. I feel emotionally 'divorced' in a way already.
I don't want to spend another couple years in the same place.
I'm curious to hear from others. I know it seems most on here are dealing with fighting, infidelity, money issues, etc. I feel I'm trying to be patient, however I've been very patient. We are coming up to our 14 year anniversary. I don't really 'want' a divorce, however I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with him.
Danigirl, glad you found this board. Some good advice will be coming your way shortly, what I can say for now is:
-Slow down. Don't look ahead at the next 30 years. Focus on the next 30 days for now. -Read DB/DR. They talk a lot about the depressed spouse.
I can tell you I was depressed in my M. Funny thing, once my STBX left I started doing much better. I found out that I was using my depression as a way to control her behavior, and that she was kind of enabling it. It was a weird co-dependent dance that wasn't good for either of us. I'm much stronger and brighter than she ever could've imagined, but now it's a moot point.
I ask you to have faith that change beyond your wildest imagination is possible. And we here on DB believe that even if some things do not change, that's not your H, that's just life being imperfect.
Stick around and thanks for taking M seriously!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you Zeus, I haven't read the book, I thought it was more for people trying to get a spouse back. If they have things in there regarding someone with depression, it'll be a book I get/order tonight.
I'm happy to hear you are better! I have lived with depression since a teen, and medication in my 20's made me a different person. I know it's a difficult road.
And thank you for your response. I really needed to know that others had gone or are going through something similar.
After reading many posts, and the writeup about divorce busting, wondering if this is the right place for me. Being that Im the one considering separation, but also wanting to make sure Ive done everything I can to try and make things work. Seems most on here are those who are being separated from?
It seems like much doesn't apply as Im not trying to get my spouse to stay, I'm trying to get Me to stay.
I'm no expert on anything, but I can tell you a few things, as someone who suffered from mild depression and moderate anxiety. Most people didn't have any idea how badly I was suffering. People at work would probably have said that I got stressed easily, and many folks would have said that I tended to see the negative side of things (still working on that...). My H was the only one who thought there was something really wrong with me... and even he didn't realize how tormented I was.
He encouraged me to get help. But I felt powerless to do so. The thought of speaking to a therapist, of telling my story, felt so overwhelming. I spent time trying to find a therapist that I thought would fit into my schedule, and was on our insurance. It felt like an impossible task. I called one IC, she never called back. It took me 3 months to try to call someone else.
The fact that you are still hanging in there with your M says a lot about you. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that depression is a very real medical condition and one of the symptoms is that a depressed person has a lot of trouble seeking help.
It's treatable, and I hope your H gets help. Hang in there.
Danigirl, people here might challenge you but that doesn't mean you're in the wrong place. I agree, you need to talk to Sandi, she's been through some of what you're feeling.
I am not saying you should leave him, but it sounds like you have additional circumstances challenging your marriage. I understand ASD has genetic components -- is it possible he shares traits with his son, rather than simply modeling them?
What makes you want to stay besides the kids?
Please keep posting and I hope things get better soon.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Claire, thank you for your response. Ive dealt with depression since a teen, and them post partum (they called it double depression), so I completely understand what you are talking about. I've always said I thought he has depression, however he he doesnt think he really does. He definitely has anxiety issues. But it's his fear if visiting a doctor that stops him from seeking help.
I want him to get help, as I know what a difference meds made for me!
Thank you again for responding, I hope you are on the winning side of the depresdion battle!
You are here, so likely you are exactly where you need to be.You will find many of us here have been either side of the depression/anxiety coin, either we manage it ourselves or we manage our S. Sometimes we managing both.
There is a lot of support, wisdom and experience here to support you, stay and take advantage. On the days you need your emotional bucket filled up, there will be someone here to oblige. On the days you need a reality check, that too will be provided...lol
