Hi Starsky - You seem to advocate tough love stances which I appreciate. I like your thoughts on setting firm boundries and not budging. I like how you want the WAW to "feel" the natural consequences of her actions.
However, how do you know when it's too much? I don't want my WAW to feel that I am being financially punitive. Do I just keep pushing ahead with the D process to protect what is mine and my kids and risk het getting really really mad? She has said before that I am vindictive. I don't see it that way, just protecting myself and our kids from her foolishness.
For example, she left the marital home, and left me with the the entire payment. My l. thinks I can get her to pay her share. There are several instances of where she has just walked away and left me with the bills. I can try to get her to pay but then is that viewed as controlling?
Heavy, I'm afraid I don't know enough about the specifics of your sitch to be able to answer you fairly. I do believe that both spouses -- walk-away and left-behind -- should certainly continue to be responsible for their shared family expenses, in proportion to their income.
I would also say that I don't put much (any?) stock in the whole "controlling" deflection that nearly EVERY wayward and walkaway wife uses. In most cases it's mere deflection, and in some cases I would contend that the left-behind spouse NEEDS to control certain things for a period of time, since their wayward spouse is usually in some degree of la-la land.
I'll try to go back and ready more of your sitch. Whose name(s) is on the loan note for the home?
What works for some doesn't work for others but I agree with everyone
The common theme here is stop trying to fix her or this marriage. There isn't a magic button. I notice when people say things to you, you seem to fixate on wanting answers to things about your W.
I hope you can turn all of this great advice you are receiving from others into positives
And..I know you asked for Starsky's input - but here is mine about the divorce stuff. As long as you are being fair - it's not the time to worry about what she is perceiving. Protect yourself, protect your kids. What you are describing is completely reasonable. Let your L be your guide.
The note is the promissory note. The mortgage just collateralizes the legal obligation, which is contained in the Note.
If she is legally responsible for half, then as someone noted above, I would (if you can afford to) just continue to pay it but then go after the unpaid amount in arrears as part of any final settlement with her. If you CANNOT afford to keep carrying it each month, then I'd seek more immediate legal relief after trying everything else I could to appeal to her sense of fairness.
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Hope that helps.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
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