Yes, it is true that I struggle so much with "why". This was so out of the blue, and with the AP person who is so outside the "norm". The whole thing is just bizarre to me and makes NO SENSE at all. A friend told me there is no sense in the senseless. I keep thinking that if I figure out the "why" then I can formulate the proper plan of action to remedy this. I guess this line of thinking is flawed and leads no where.
Her actions, the unlikely other person, the fact that this AP lives 600 miles away and also is married and has two kids and is so unavailable makes no sense. The fact that she threw everything away for a day or two in a hotel room with this person and a phone call every few days. It does not add up with what she said the issues were with me. It's like talking with a crazy crazy person.
As a logical and rational person, it does not compute at all in my mind and I just can't figure out the why. I guess that is known as a cheeseless tunnel. I have to stop doing that. When people ask what happened, I try my hardest to say, she didn't want to be married to me anymore, and leave it at that. I don't want to be defined by this terrible situation. Again, I dont want to be the victim.
She is adamant that she is over me, is in LOVE with this person, has left and initiated divorce proceedings. She has left me with many financial obligations that I struggle with as well.
I have read and reread Michelle's books, I review this board daily. I continue to work on myself but my heart is just not in this I must confess.
Noting seems worth it without my wife and family. She knew how happy I was with her and our family. I told her that many many times. It's like she used my words as ammuniton. It's like she was planning this for years.
I am lost, defeated and just freaking down and out by this body blow of epic proportion.
Thanks sgctxok and Calibri for your thoughts and taking the time to comment on my freaked up situation.
Hi HD, you're trying to look at it in a logical and rational way. But of course your W is acting entirely based on her emotions right now. So logic isn't going to help much.
Also remember the 'addict' analogy that we often see on these boards. You'll do anything, lose anything for your next fix.
Of course in the longer term that all starts to catch up with you and things fall apart....but sounds like your W hasn't reached that stage. Probably the distance slows things down, as it has in my sitch.
I think many people struggle with the 'why' and the advice seems to be to let it go - like releasing the string on a balloon and letting it float off - it isn't easy I know...
Best to keep moving forwards and keep your focus on other good things in your life as much as you can.
T x
Last edited by Toots; 03/29/1503:15 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I keep thinking that if I figure out the "why" then I can formulate the proper plan of action to remedy this. I guess this line of thinking is flawed and leads no where
HeavyD, I'm sorry you're struggling. I think it's natural to want an answer. Unfortunately, even if you had one it probably wouldn't make sense or change the way things are. It's a cheeseless tunnel that keeps you stuck.
Your W's actions are not a reflection on you. They were her choices and she is the one that is responsible for them. You cannot control her. I know this is hard, but your worth is not determined by her actions.
I understand you were happy with your W and your family. That is no longer reality though. Instead of focusing on W and her choices, focus on you and what makes you happy with yourself. What were the things that attracted your W in the beginning? What interests have you given up that you miss?
I hope I am not coming off as harsh. That is not my intent. From what you post it seems like you've lost who you are. I get the impression that you were so entwined with W that you pin your happiness on her. She's not responsible for that though. You are responsible for your happiness. W may or may not come back. You can be happy without her, even if that's not what you want. You deserve happiness HeavyD.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
I know rationally I am solely responsible for my happiness. I get that and understand it. Emotionally however, my God, how hard this is for me.
Family is everything to me. It always has been.
To have been betrayed like this and for it to hurt my entire family makes me sick.
I honestly don't know how I will ever get over this. It's been the worst 6 months of my life and I feel like all of the color has been drained from my world. Some people takes these things in stride and some don't. I am in the some don't pile I guess. It is still hard to just get out of bed. I know I should be further along in this process but there you have it.
All I can do is make the best of the chit sandwich I have been totally served up and carry on. In all of my life, I have never had anyone treat me like this. It is still a shock to my system, and it comes from the one person whom I let in the front door and trusted my life to.
To say this does not compute is an understatement.
Heavy, after sooo long many of us still do not know for sure what is going on with our wives. Focus on us...have some fun...get out...enjoy your life. You are responsible for your happiness (with or without your wife)...this is by far the hardest thing in my life to come to terms with.
I don't think this was planned. Press on. It's worth it. Be good to yourself and your kids. Do things that make you happy. Be sad and angry but try to avoid bitterness.
All the best of everything.
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
My WAW told me this was not planned - "it just happened" and from what I have read, this is standard cheater script.
The confusion for me is -
a). first she tells me she has feelings for someone else b). she then tells me she is in love with another peson c). she then tells me she wants an open relationship to pursue this person d) she then tells me the relationship is now physical e). she moved out of the house pretty quickly f). she then tells me that her AP is not the reason our marriage has crumbled but it provided the catalyst to how broken our marriage really was. g). She refuses to stop seeing the AP h). She refuses counselling i). She has filed for D
The confusion led to more and more waywardness and meaness towards me. It all happened so very fast and was a downward spiral. It's like a train I could not stop. She blames me for the Affair and my "bad reacton" to it for moving out. She fights me at every opportunity, and is not the same woman at all that I have known (married to) for 20 years.
I have completely backed off and don't contact her at all (unless it's about kids).
I have read and reread Sandi's wayward spouse posts - and yes, almost all items ring true.
I believe that we will divorce and we are in the process. I am hopeless at this point but am trying to protect myself and kids from her crazy train. All of my DB ing efforts have had no effect.
After my depressing weekend - today I will:
Focus on work Not focus on her Work out with friend after work Continue with medication for anxiety Have lunch with a friend
Hi Starsky - You seem to advocate tough love stances which I appreciate. I like your thoughts on setting firm boundries and not budging. I like how you want the WAW to "feel" the natural consequences of her actions.
However, how do you know when it's too much? I don't want my WAW to feel that I am being financially punitive. Do I just keep pushing ahead with the D process to protect what is mine and my kids and risk het getting really really mad? She has said before that I am vindictive. I don't see it that way, just protecting myself and our kids from her foolishness.
For example, she left the marital home, and left me with the the entire payment. My l. thinks I can get her to pay her share. There are several instances of where she has just walked away and left me with the bills. I can try to get her to pay but then is that viewed as controlling?
I don't understand what is confusing to you. I just read the steps and they are quite clear to me. Your M was difficult for your WW, she was nearing the breaking point, she met someone new that gave her a breath of fresh air, fell in love and decided to leave you. Are you confused or are you upset? I really don't get it.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
I believe that we will divorce and we are in the process. I am hopeless at this point but am trying to protect myself and kids from her crazy train. All of my DB ing efforts have had no effect.
ARGH! Sometimes you drive me nuts (but I love you anyway). Will you please stop looking for short term signs of R. That's not how it works. It never does. None of the success stories start with the spouses saying "Oh, you're not giving me all I want, then let's get back together". It goes, a few months later: "Well this person has a spine and self-respect, maybe I misjudged her."
Also, none of the effect will be apparent to you for months. It's al in her head. Again, read the success stories. WAS come back saying their happy Facebook posts were all fake, that they were really really wondering what their LBS was up to, etc. This is not the kind of thing that your WW will share with her OW or with anyone. Stop looking for signs and trust the process.
I and many others have told you so several times but you always go back to the start with the same thoughts. Last time, your defense was "I'm just being honest!" but that's the problem; we don't ask you to change your words, we ask you to change your mindset, to understand the DB process. I mean, really, what can we do to change your mindset? I'm starting to think that there's nothing. You will tell us "I get it now" and a week or two from now, you'll say again that it won't work for you because you don't see the signs yet.
By the way, can you confirm that you will stop hoping to save your M after D? If so, I'll stop hammering that D is just a step and has been for several remarried couples, as the vets often mention. It's your choice when you stop or where you put the finish line though, and I'm entirely ok with anyone giving up.
Well, it looks like I came with my usual load of 2x4s... Hopefully I didn't hurt you.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
