Vanilla Fudged 12

[Vanilla]

Thanks Pink

I worked 16 hours today with my own invoicing and accounts, I have a lot of ground to make up. I let my business slip.

No real contact with H, he was. In bed when I arrived home. Quiet, too quiet for my liking!

I downloaded the divorce forms today and will mull this over. I am starting to feel the need to be free. Free to be V again.

That would be lovely, no more abuse.

V

[edz]

Hi v

First (((((Vanilla)))))

Sounds like you're deciding which direction to take things in right now, can't be easy. I know I've not had any of the issues you've had to face think I've shared my thoughts on abuse in relationships, but I've had the thought of taking control back by moving on from my m, in my case I've obviously not I'd rather hang in to the bitter end but I wasn't being abused, somewhat shelved and unwanted but not abused.

Hold in there v, we know how strong you've been and are, you are ultimately the best judge of how to go forward and definitely shouldn't suffer any more abuse whatever outcome of your decision on d.

Have a good night lady v.

Edz & bft

[Pink17]

Hi V,

I would like you to know how proud we are that you are thinking that V deserves better.

Please, prepare and take good care after yourself as you prepare the D papers. It's very painful. There is a lot of past to be digested during this time.

Your situation is different then mine, but the D itself will take a toll on you just by itself.

There are good days were I feel and think I am doing the right thing for the kids and myself. But there are down days that makes you feel like you failed, hopeless.

Please, whatever it gets hard, write to us, we will be with you along the way whatever decision you take. Eat well, sleep well and do not stop your GAL.

We all love V and keep her in our hearts.
Love,
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi V, glad you are managing to get things back on track with the business. Obviously you're mulling things over now, with the D forms and so on. I would say to just take your time and think in the longer term. Ultimately the only person to think about is you and your relationship with yourself, in relation to your M - if you know what I mean.

Maybe let it all sit with you for a little while, and be sure over a period of time that the direction you take is the one you want. I can certainly understand the need to feel free though. Is it today that you are dancing V? I'm envious....I would go and do some more Ceroc today if I could. Chores and some work for me today. But I'll go to aqua aerobics tonight. Have a good day V x

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia I would echo Toots. From where I stand you obviously deserve much better than your H , however he is a real person , it's very easy for us on here to get emotional about people we care for without a second thought for the H/W. Please take this the right way , you married H , you love (d) H. Vanillia still cares for H You have all the time in the world, big house can be sold , Vanillia can carry on with her life , take time Vanillia. no rush Wait a month or two to see how Vanillia feels.

As usual Vanillia, what do I know ? Just my two pence worth

Take care. Rd xx

[Vanilla]

Thank you Edz, Toots and RD and yes the lovely Pink.

I am preparing the D papers, to have them ready in case I want to file. They will be prepared. I am a good girl guide! Always prepared, it will settle my mind to have things ready.

I saw H today, asked him to help me to bring in the shopping, I got grumps sighs and complaints. So once again: H if you prefer not to help say so.

Later:

V: do you want a roast tonight? (H has bought a beef joint)
H: I will have whatever you want to cook
V: OK you can help me prepare then
H: I have only just eaten, soup etc and I am not hungry at all
V: please tell me do you want a roast tonight?
H: I have only just eaten......
V: do you want a roast tonight? This will take a couple of hours to prepare and cook so it would be useful to know
H: I am not hungry
V: I am unsure what that means
H: I am not hungry at the moment, so no not really
V: OK

I am not keen on roasts but will gladly cook one if H would like one. Otherwise a chicken curry for V.

H has gone upstairs sulking. Mainly because yes he would have a roast but only if it is all prepared for him. No more H is a room mate (flat mate) only and I have decided to treat him as such.......

V

[Vanilla]

Toots Ceroc tonight, yippeeeeeee......


V

[Vanilla]

Pink, I think by being ready then the pain will be at a time of my choosing when I am not overloaded quite so much and can deal with the grief privately. I am all cried out, my tears are dry and my sobbing empty.

I am going to D for unreasonable behaviour- a fault divorce using the abuse as grounds. It will not take much evidence and so I do not have to overstate my case. I can practice my words carefully but the meaning of them will be clear.

Pink, it is likely, yes it will be painful and to balance this continuing as I am will also be painful, which is the greater pain?

I am prepared to take the immediate sharp pain and sadness of D to achieve a life free of abuse and chances of happiness in the future.H shows no remorse or signs that he may want to resolve his issues. H appears as if he is fine as he is, his choice. My choice is to live a life free of abuse and manipulation.

RD you are right, all you have is my view of life and I am not perfect, I confess to this, with the screaming banshee in my cupboard then that is not ideal. I do love H and I did marry him, but which H? The one in my past or this one? I can choose to let go of this one and I am going to do that. I grieve for the loss of my dreams and my love, but I also grieve the loss of my self and my future. I am also angry at myself for allowing the abuse to continue and not recognising it for what it was.

I really want my freedom to build my life and myself. I am looking forward to my future and having new hopes and dreams to aim for.

A life not tethered to an abuser, to days of peace and freedom from criticism, as I have had these last few weeks, judgement and financial worry. A day when I will not live with an abstaining and unpleasant compulsive who resents me as the withholder of my cash which the freedom to access would allow him to gamble, drink, smoke and live a life of golfing leisure chasing POWs. I have never enabled H to do these things, he used his all of his resources, now they are exhausted and he needs more, so he seeking to use up mine.

My IC suggested that because H has never really had control over me, that I have never really enabled his compulsivity that his why he is abusive to force me or manipulate Me into compliance. to guilt me to it, but in essence Screaming Banshee was a good friend she protected me in many ways.

Screaming Banshee protected Plain Vanilla from full exploitation by a compulsive manipulator. She was my friend even though there would have been better ways of handling the problem, the new shadow is an angel I call the Boundary Guardian with her Perspex Spew Shield.

I have neither forgiven nor forgotten the behaviour of H (although I can forgive H) as that is foolish with a compulsive and I have little resentment or anger. I also have no trust in this H and his words are manipulations without honour and truth. As Cadet says if he is speaking and his mouth is moving then he is lying. Nothing about this is good and I can say without impediment that there is absolutely nothing left in my heart but pity and the need to rebuild.

I have learned a tough lesson, one I have little intention of repeating. For now I still stand and the day I file my rings are removed and I will be free to move on with my life as a single woman. I am fairly sure that there will be no friendship after D, H can be a stranger as if I had never known him at all. I will not prejudge although I rarely ever go back.

V

[Vanilla]

Short break from dancing, just checking in.

All quiet on the home front.

V

[gan]

V, I need to get caught up as things have changed for you since I last checked in. You are back home?! For now though just wanted to stop by and say (((V))).