I am hoping that more experienced posters can help me with their definition of letting go. My wife is still with her A partner, has moved into her own house, and filed for divorce. She is not interested in counseling or reconciliation. I am staying dark, GAL, and working on my issues. I don't want D, but it looks inevitable. How does one "let go" without seeming uncaring or completely closing door?
Last edited by Cadet; 04/10/1506:07 PM. Reason: Link
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
How would you treat an ex girlfriend that did this? The affair would have to run its course and that can take quite a while. I wouldn't recommend jumping right into another relationship right away until you've given yourself time. Go out with people if you can. I'd recommend looking for a DivorceCare group (use google to find one) as well.
You have to focus on finding the things that make you a stronger person and happy. You have to recognize that's she gone and mourn the parts you miss and not let yourself dwell on them. I think of it as a circular process. Each time around it impacts you less.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
I am where you are Kramer. My W has filed for D. She has no interest in counseling or reconciliation. I suspected an A at one point but every end goes dead so I don't think it is that. She is a very hardheaded woman who just wants to prove to everyone that she can do everything on her own.
I like you don't want a D, but I don't think I can get her back since I am battling against her will to prove the world wrong. I need to start letting go also, but I can't even think of the thought that once I close the door she changes her mind and I already moved on.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Me too, same boat. Errod I think there is an AP in your wife's life though you may not see it yet. Maybe I am wrong, but I strongly suspect it, especially when separation and divorce process starts rapidly. My bets are that she does have an AP - sorry but that's just my opinion.
Kramer - I think we are married to the same woman as our situations are so similar.
We have to let go because that is their choice. They are not interested in being married to us anymore, period. We have to accept that our marriages are over.
Do you think your WAW cares how you felt when she started her affair and cheating on you? Do you think she thought you may view it as uncaring? No! They are entitled, do what they want, damn the consequences and don't care or consider who they hurt in the process. They destroy families, careers, finances, themselves, everyone with this "choice".
Try to live your life, let her go, stop thinking about her. She knows where you are if and when she wants to connect with you. For now, it's ALL about the AP. Sickening isn't it.
Now, if I could just take some of the advice I gave you and actually do it myself. As you are probably aware, I am struggling and every day seems to be the same endless pain.
Unfortanately I have to deal with mine as we have two kids to co-parent. She keeps saying "I chose you to be a mother". WTF that means, I don't know. I keep any interactions to email or text.
I struggle with you Kramer, Errod, Sherman and all of the other LBS's. Lets do the best we can to share and support each other through this board. Maybe we can learn from each other and the vets of course.
Same situation for me. She's already moved on and considers me a friend. I don't want to be her friend, I want to be her husband.
Letting go has been hard. Just when I feel like I have let go, something pulls be back. It's hard work. I have made mistakes. I do my best to recognize the mistakes and not repeat them.
Now, I focus on not pursing her. I do not text her or call. I try to keep conversations light and short. I try to think of how I would talk to a neighbor. That's my framework for any conversation with her. She seems perfectly fine with how things are going and never attempts a deeper conversation.
I don't know if that is putting me into the friend zone even more.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Thank you all for your responses and for sharing your stories. It's eerie how similar our situations are, but it helps to realize that we are not alone in our pain. Part of my problem is that I am totally alone. My kids are all grown and live 500 miles away. Her kids live by themselves or with her. Her parents don't want to rock the boat and don't speak with me. I rarely see my W and do not initiate conversations. When I respond, I do so succinctly and without emotion (email or text only). I am doing things on my own and accept the reality that M is over, but there are so many memories and "what-ifs" that flood my brain constantly.
I wish there was an "off" switch, but alas there is not. I want to be detached, but not appear uncaring or hateful. I miss being married. I liked it, and thought I was good at it.
Apparently not, lol.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I think for me the letting go happened a few months into my sitch, when I starting DBing and realised that my pursuit of H wasn't working. So, I dropped the rope and stopped making contact with him. As time has passed, the letting go has evolved some more into a realisation that he has a journey to take and so do I. And that our paths may join again at some point and may not.
One of the difficulties I have had with DB, is this nagging question - what if H doesn't realise that I love him still. What if we D and he never knew? Well, he suggested D a couple of weeks ago (for the first time.) And I told him I love him and D wasn't what I want. I don't know what will happen next. He needed to think about things and hasn't been in touch since. But in a way I can let go more and feel at peace, because I have told him that and if he still files for D, so be it.
Please don't think I'm encouraging you to tell your S you love them. But for me, I had done 6 months of solid DBing. I had only spoken to H twice during that time. Everything else, just texts and emails...so I needed to do it for myself really.
I think the letting go is also a respect thing. Respect that your M isn't what they want right now, and they have to follow their own path. Of course that could change, but for now it is what it is...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have told my wife that I love her, I forgive her, I am sorry for my actions, and I respect her decision and feelings, even if I don't agree with them. I told her these things without asking for reciprocity or validation from her. No matter what happens, she knows that I love her and that I don't want D.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
How are you dealing with the divorce paperwork? Do you have a lawyer? You can stall it out if you want but legally she has the right to divorce you even if you don't want it or accept it.
