Your anger is justified. But keep the perspective that its your anger.
great point, AJ. Thanks. I bounce back rather quickly now. So do the kids. I think we are all coming to terms of acceptance.
I recall Ellie telling me a long time ago, enjoy not walking on eggshells in my home. I think this is something my kids and I are all embracing. They are slowly opening up. Not like in a dad bashing way, but more recognizing good in things. Enjoying things the way we can- with the three of us. And I really like that. It really is a different dynamic. A good one. Not that it was bad, but we can still appreciate the new. That's a big part of it. Enjoying the new.
In parking lot now to p/u s18 from work. D14 had me in tears laughing before I left. It's a good day- despite xh's antics. They are his to deal with. We have good things to attend to. Sorry, pal. And I think that's the overriding theme I want my kids to get- not get sucked into the crazy. They can have a r outside of that, but know they don't need to participate in that mess. And you were right, I still have some dumb expectation that he can parent- my kids in a way. Well , more like not continue to cause damage.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou.
Mighty - your expectations are not dumb - we have a right to expect better behaviour from our former partner and the father of our children. It is their problem they can't deliver.
Our problem arises from their failure to act. We call it expectation, because in a way it is, but it isn't 'wrong' for us to expect better behaviour. It is healthy that we do so!
Same with anger - normal to feel intense anger at being hurt or seeing our children treated badly. Yes he is an a**h*ole right now. And yes, anger can be damaging to us when it takes hold. But as an initial reaction? Frankly I would be concerned if you said 'but I am fine with this'.
They are broken, their behaviour is out of whack. We are OK to be upset and annoyed by it. But we have to let it go, and realise that this is 'normal' for them, never for us.
If that makes sense. Otherwise we tie ourselves in knots.
Hey bea- thanks. It does make sense. I know I commented before, while xh was still around, that it was like he was acting like he had in the past...
It is so weird because it is like the sitch is in total reverse form now. Slowly reverting back to how it was...
from the point he was still here... going back into the r w hww and his behaviors and now interaction w kids. Like the last 7 months are now being played out in reverse order. Boomerang, if you will. Or, just going back into the tunnel... where he came from acting the same way just in reverse.
Strange, strange, strange.
For me, well.... I am finding peace in what I have right now. Not focusing on what I don't have. Looking to take care of and improve my current sitch. What I have to work with right now. What needs attention and appreciation.
Yeah - it is part of cycling - some MLCers do this, and go round and round and round.
Hard to take, but it hurts less each time they fly past. Now I smile and wave and wish him well until the next time. Can't believe I got to this point.
Some of the cycles take months, others years. They are so broken. Some of them wake up and really try to fix things, others not so much!
Stay strong, and detachment comes. But it doesn't make us hard, just resilient.
Happy Saturday. Not much new... up and down and all around.
I had a dream two nights ago. The second dream I've had about the baby. I was babysitting her. We were playing and I was making her laugh. Xh came and I was telling him about how I made her laugh and stuff. D14 mentioned that xh was wearing a wedding ring. I thought in my head, WOW! I cant believe it. He must miss being married to me. I looked and it was a different ring. I said, YOU MARRIED HER? He nodded. I yelled "SHUT UP!" and it woke me up.
I dont know why I keep having these dreams about the baby. Like I am always playing with her and happy. It's weird.
On another note... D14 called xh today to see if he would take her shopping before we leave on our trip. She let him know that they can get 50% off for a family discount right now where s18 works (He works at a trendy clothing store). Xh said he would take her this evening while s18 is working. S18 told d14, no way, and to go before he gets there bc he does not want to see xh. (Don't believe they have talked yet, but I don't ask). Xh was refusing. (It find it inappropriate for xh to bring his drama to s18 work, he did this last year with his other job, too. Had him paged. S18 wasn't speaking to him then either.)
I overheard d14 & s18 while she was texting xh. They were texting back and forth. Finally d14 said never mind, she doesn't want to go then. He responded, "cool". (he texted "you're cool" to me after I told him to make his own arrangements w d14 for her birthday). Then changed his mind and agreed to take her earlier. What drama.
Then he was 20 minutes late to get her. She texted him and asked where he was. He responded, "Will you chill out?"
Not sounding like a happy guy, but what do I know? I mean, texted s18 last week that he was "Pissed" and s18's words about his exchanged w d14 was, "He is such a baby."
I did not get involved. I stayed out of it.
AAANNNNNNNDDDDD.... I went out with a group of friends last night. I had a LOT of fun! It was a great time. And, I was talking to a friend, cracking jokes and being silly, and I overheard her husband say to another friend, "That's the Mighty we love." I have been gone for awhile, and it feels so good to be myself again. I did not feel sadness or alone at all throughout the night. In fact, I was the only unmarried one there, and it didn't bother me one bit!
I have to be honest about something here... and its embarrassing... late last night, a friend stopped by. It turns out... I believe the intentions were totally a booty call. Nothing happened. At all. And, you guys, he is friggin married. I know he is going through a lot personally and he had a few drinks in him... but.... OMG! What an awkward situation! Clearly- I am never going to be on that side of it. He did text apologizing last night and this morning. But, man... am I a target bc I am in a vulnerable place? Well.... I'm not that vulnerable. Geesh!
Outside of that... I'm feeling pretty good. Yesterday morning and most of the day, I was sad. But, after a fun night out with terrific friends, I feel good. (I will scratch the other incident out. In a way, it was bringing up thoughts about xh and hww... and how they could do that. Ick.)
Mighty, I'm glad to read that you went out w/friends and had a good time. Yes, you've been missing in action for some time, but it sounds like the Mighty that your friends know and love is starting to return to the land of the living. Way to go!
Sounds like your children are having an interesting time w/your xh. His life is all about doing this and doing that and if you notice, it's really not quality time w/the children. It's all about errand running these days. Well, they'll just have to figure this new relationship out w/their father...but they will in time. You are smart in staying out of it.
As for the trip...I'm sure you are getting excited. It will be good for you to get away and have some space and quiet for a change.
As for the friend stopping by...alcohol has a way of helping people make fools of themselves. It's interesting how we have an invisible target painted on our backs that say we are single once again. I'm glad you stopped him before it got too far out of hand. I'm sure he's embarrassed by what he did and he may not be able to look you in the eye for quite some time. Might be a wake up call for him to cut back on the drinking.
Interesting dream you had. It appears that you accepted the baby and were having some fun with her. As for the ring and your xh...it sounds like your situation w/your xh has been on your mind quite a bit. Dust those cobwebs out of your head and replace them w/wonderful and exciting thoughts of your vacation coming up. I want you to go and have a great time!
Welcome back Mighty! You've come a long way and you are starting to find your balance once again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, job. It does feel good to be coming back to the land of the living, but it is amazing how sensitive my triggers are to send me backwards.
D14 told me that her dad was asking her questions about why s18 was mad at him. D14 said she wasn't really sure the reason. He suggested that it was bc he "moved back in." She said she didn't know he moved in. But, she had wondered. He asked her if she was mad about that and she said yes. He asked why. She said bc she is a .... He said don't say that about her. Then d14 gave a list of synonyms, to which he continued to say don't say that. Then, she said, Oh are you in love, Dad? Isn't that so cute? He didn't respond to that.
I guess just the fact that he verbalized it, is what is thrusting me backwards. Making me feel anxiety inside. When I really think about it, I guess it is because of that r. What it represents. With whom it is. Is it him that I miss anymore? I don't know. Do I miss our r? Not like I did. But the idea of that..... like daggers through my veins.
It's amazing what his presence does to me. I. CANT. STAND. IT. I am so much better off having him totally out of my life. He is so evil. I wish he didn't have to pull into my driveway. Or be in my area. I just wish he were so far away. Yesterday, he was here early to take d14 to breakfast. So, I had to pull out and drive past him. Luckily there was frost on my windshield still, so I leaned forward so we couln't even see each other. But, dumb things like that, still get to me. More so, the convo w d14. At least he told her. But man, this guy who is only "focusing on the kids" is only focused on the ones who don't live in this house.
Xh and d14 stopped at the pet shop. He wanted to show her the huge snake in there. That gave me a bit of a twinge, knowing he was in there recently. I know it is totally storytelling in my brain, but you know... the whole faux "family" thing... ugh.
Then... apparently, one of xh's brothers is going to be at the same vacation spot as us with his family. I haven't seen nor heard from this person in a very long time, before bd. And, d14 wants to meet up with them. I don't have a problem at all with them. But the idea of "getting away" from this drama seems a little more distant. Aahhh!!!!!
