Alpha - the future is now!

[alpha99]

My W has just called three times in quick succession. I ignored all three calls. Now she has just texted saying 'call me please'

what do you think I should do? She is at work later and so it could just be an inquiry as to whether I'd mind the kids. She could text to ask that though, surely?

I've been reading on various threads (with the advice mostly coming from starksy) about maintaining intel on W without revealing the source. I decided to check her youtube history again - she has been looking at a lot of strange sexual content recently (huge p*nis, threesomes etc). The main thing that stands out however is that she has been looking at a specific car (honda of some type). This was about 9-10pm last night, so probably after she had finished work. My W doesn't drive and knows nothing about cars. OM apparently has a clapped out old car and (mind reading, I know) so it could be they were together and discussing him getting a new one.

she has just texted again this second saying 'important'

I don't want to seem available all the time. I guess if it was important she could text what it was that is so important.

edit: she just called my mobile again - I ignored it. Then the house phone went (probably her too) - I ignored it.

Any suggestions on what to say when I do speak to her? She is going to ask why I didn't answer. I could say I was busy. When she asks doing what should I answer vaguely (I've been out, I was busy etc) or say none of your business, or something else?

[alpha99]

now a voicemail: Hiya Alpha, could you give me a call back as soon as you can please, it's important, thank you, bye.

She sounds subdued in her tone of voice. I can vaguely hear the kids in the background so I don't think they are in any serious trouble. Why not just say what is so important in the voicemail? I haven't returned her calls yet. I'm wondering what to do...wait a bit (a few hours etc), ignore her completely until she is more specific, or something else.

edit: I'm wondering whether when i do response if I should text 'what's the matter?' etc or call.

[alpha99]

in total: 10 missed calls, 1 voicemail, 2 texts - with the latest a few moments ago saying 'answer your phone very important'

[Luis P]

Hi Alpha

If she calls again just suggest you have been busy, remember your objective to try and detach yourself, be intellectual and see if this relates for you to see your children at a convenient time for you and them.

[Sotto]

Alpha, you need to respond. If your W has the kids and is trying this hard to contact you, get back to her asap!

And don't say none of your business, just say you were busy or phone was on silent or similar. Ignoring to this extent isn't the right way to go, especially if she is saying it is important....

[alpha99]

I've just called her back.

It was as expected, nothing 'important' - she wanted me to mind the kids as she need to go to work.

Her parents go out on a Sunday evening for a few drinks to the local social club. They hadn't realised that W was at work this afternoon. They won't mind the kids because they say they are not her babysitters. W was asking if I could mind them and acknowledged that it was last minute. I said 'yeah, it is last minute. I am not an on call babysitter. This is the exact reason why we need to have proper days in place so that this kind of thing doesn't happen.

W agreed. Then she tried to guilt me into taking the kids by saying S6 wants to spend time with his daddy. He has been asking to spend time with with you (me) again. I was having none of it. I won't be guilt tripped into minding them just to suit my W's work schedule. She complained that she earns double time on a Sunday and would have to call in and say she couldn't come.

**She has just called back as I wrote the last paragraph. She started off in a overly nice manner with an apology:

W:I'm sorry for calling last minute. It was wrong of me to do that. We do need to sort out proper days etc so we each have the kids. Can you send me a message later about what days you want to have them?

M: Yeah, sure, no problem. That will stop this kind of thing happening again.

W: Yeah, it's just...I'm struggling now. I have to go to work and no one can mind the kids. I'm on double time today. Can't you just have them and help me out? I'll pick them up later and everything.

M: So I'll send you a message about what days I would like to have them later on then and we'll sort that out.

(W getting angry now)

W: Why are you ignoring me?

M: I'm not ignoring you, I heard what you said. I just can't take the kids now as it's too short notice. We need to sort out the days we're each going to have them.

(W becoming angrier and sarcastic)

W: Yeah, right, hmmm OK, well thanks, grrr, bye.

M: See you, bye now.

It felt good to be in control for a few moments. I'd normally jump at any opportunity to spend time with my kids but I guess the longer I am the on call babysitter the less need there is for my W to decide on any sort of child sharing arrangement.

This might be the first time that she is starting to feel the consequences of her actions - I hope so anyway

[Sotto]

Well that's good. Glad things are ok. And I think you are right not to drop everything and to press for an agreed parenting schedule, so this kind of thing doesn't happen.

Your W will be cross, but just stick to that line. You may want to have a look at HP (H Poirot's thread.) He stopped posting a couple of months ago, but had lots of issues with last minute schedule changes from his W.

I do think you need to carefully gauge the non-response thing - esp. if your W has the kids. Remember you are trying to rebuild some confidence in your reliability and stability. I don't think ignoring loads of calls does that. I agree you shouldn't be endlessly available, and should wait a bit to respond, and not respond to everything. But you don't want to take that too far when you have kids - JMHO.

Have a good day.....:-)

[alpha99]

Thanks toots for your helpful comments.

I did say that my phone had been on silent hence why I didn't answer the calls. W was fine with that.

she has actually just called back yet again. This time in a very narky manner saying how it's not fair, I'm messing her about, she's going to lose X amount in wages etc.

I was calm and clear throughout. I said I can't be an on call babysitter. You have given me less than one hour's notice.

She then said she would have to let the kids go to one of her friends from the school. This women is hopeless with her own child. In fact, in the 18 months we've known her she has lost her own child at school on two occasions. I said, if you have so little respect for our children that you're going to leave them with XXX then God help us all.

W said she wouldn't do that (errr what did she just say a moment ago?) and that she would have to call in work. She ended with a stream of this is not fair, you're only doing this to make me suffer, S6 has been asking to spend time with you and you won't let him etc.

I reiterated it was last minute and also said that I had plans. She said that's all you had to say. I said, OK, well see you soon, bye.

I think the fall out from this will be that she is very angry over the next day or two, and no doubt if I see her parents again they'll chime in with you should be doing this and you should be doing that, it's very for our D and you're not helping at all, but ultimately I think this is going to mean that we get a childcare plan in place. That will be a start.

Edit: just to add, this is the first time that I've really put my foot down on something. I think only a short time ago I would have rushed up there straight away to try and be helpful, without realising that I'm just being a doormat for her. It feels good to know that I can be strong, independent, and do what's right. This is definitely a turning point. I am no longer in shock mode, no longer infatuated with the idea of getting her back and responding in an emotional manner. I feel like that has lifted. I want things to work out, I really, really do, but I'm not held hostage by the idea that they won't anymore.

[Luis P]

Hi Alpha,

Its good that your starting to put your foot down, and hopefully a child plan to start.

[alpha99]

W called again. I decided to answer first time as I've done enough letting it ring out for one day.

She wanted to drop the kids off with me at 6.30am or so tomorrow so she can go to work. She says she hasn't yet looked at my proposed plan for childcare. I said I could help out as a one off but she seemed to understand I wasn't keen on it (I'm not, I'd rather have a plan) and so ultimately she said she'd leave it. Due to this she will have to pay for the kids to go to breakfast club and afterschool club at school. Again, I can't be the last minute, on call, save the day kind of guy. I hope this stance is helping her to feel the consequences of her choices as it will inconvenience her having to travel to and from school as well as cost her to pay for 2 children in the various clubs a few times a week.

Update: I wrote the above earlier but didn't post it. Since then W has replied to my email saying 'that sounds fine.'

Result! We have a parenting plan in place, something written down, agreed upon, and stored safely. I know it's not legally binding but should she try and pull a fast one later down the line then at least I can say you didn't mind me looking after them at X moment, look!

Due to the arrangements made, this in theory means I should only see my W twice a week at weekends when we exchange children. That's going to make detaching and implementing LRT fully a whole lot easier.

Finally, a little tip: anyone looking to GAL should check out ... I've joined a few groups and should I desire to I could be doing something 3-5 times a week, meeting new people and making friends in the process. Locally there's pub quizzes, an easter night out planned, cinema trips, walking meet ups, museum tours, even a comedy group etc. Some of the people involved seem to be my age so I am going to dive into it and see what happens. A sure sign of change. As I've posted before, I have about 3-4 friends who I rarely see and it's been that way now for the last 7-8 years when we used to go out 'slightly' more frequently. I think Starksy's post on codependency and enmeshed relationship with W could be coming into play here. I'm quite proud of myself. I feel myself growing in confidence, ability. Whatever happens with my W, I am FINALLY ready to do what I've never really done - LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULL!