None of this DB stuff makes sense any more - I am doing the opposite of what my gut and heart tell me to do.
Doing what I thought was right got me to the state where my W has left and has filed for D. That much is clear. I guess I am still hung up on the 'why" aspect. Some part of me keeps thinking I can "reach" my wife, my wife of 20 years, co - mother of my two kids, etc... I know that I can't reach her now, she is on her own journey, one that I don't understsand and one that completely contradicts everything she has been. Why is she doing this????
I question my gut/heart on this daily still, its hard having two forces pulling you in either direction. React out and do what you know doesn't work, but feels right vs. keep DB, which feels wrong. Feelings get us in trouble so we keep DB.
Nothing wrong with crying either, its a healthy release you need at times.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I am not trying to wake her up by my command. I am not in cntrol. I ws just trying to be the better person "only a food would leave". But it seems that she has made her choice.
Upon cleaning out the garage today, I realize she has tken all the kids birth certificates, shot records, SSN recods, school records, etc... That is a low blow. There is nothing I can't replace, but come on!
She has rewritten our maritial history to the point where she had to "flee for her life" which is compltely not true. She claims she did not feel safe in the house with me anymore, etc... She left becaue she was having an affair and was "in love" with the person. Period.
God every day I see how hopeless this really is and this is a pipe dream that I have. She has woken up and she realized she wanted out. That meant taking the kids, the paperwork, painting me as the ogre, ad nauseum.
I am not trying to wake her up by my command. I am not in cntrol. I ws just trying to be the better person "only a food would leave". But it seems that she has made her choice.
Upon cleaning out the garage today, I realize she has tken all the kids birth certificates, shot records, SSN recods, school records, etc... That is a low blow. There is nothing I can't replace, but come on!
She has rewritten our maritial history to the point where she had to "flee for her life" which is compltely not true. She claims she did not feel safe in the house with me anymore, etc... She left becaue she was having an affair and was "in love" with the person. Period.
God every day I see how hopeless this really is and this is a pipe dream that I have. She has woken up and she realized she wanted out. That meant taking the kids, the paperwork, painting me as the ogre, ad nauseum.
Down and out.
I think that you are on the right track you just need to adjust your expectations, make yourself into that person only a fool would leave cause that is for YOU, when you become that person YOU win!
Take the focus off of her, she is likely lost in space on an alien spaceship and you do not have super powers to fly up to get her. However when the aliens return her then you will get the chance to show her that she was a fool.
Just know that the rewritten history is part of her script and really nothing out of the ordinary for what she is doing.
I am just wondering what cnstitutes "the last straw". Its probably different for everybody but I really and truly feel this is so unhealthy for me. There is nothing left but sorry and anger and feeling so taken advantage of. Upon further cleaning out of the garage, I ran across the aniverssary cards we gave each other, so full of love and hope and dreams of the future. I think I have exhausted my supply of tears as no more come.
Her reality is hers and mine is mine, I get that. But she has lied to so man people, our pastor, our friends, her family, our kids, me, you name it and of course they all believe her. I feel like a drive by victim and everyday I discover somethig else that drives the nail in further.
The realization that I have been living with a person, who I had children with and built a life with is just gone. She is just not the same person in any way, my preotector has turned into my persecutor.
The best thing I can do now is STFU, let the lawyers do their things and just move on. Head up the best I can and move on. Try to bild me up is going to be hard but doable. I realize that there are folks a lot worse off than I am and I really try to be grteful for what I do have.
Today is just a day I want to crawl into a hole.
My GAL for today is working out in the yard and talking to neighbors. Lets see if I can notch that up a bit.
Heavy, people are asking me lately how I'm doing, and I tend to say that I'm hoping for the best and preparing myself for the worst. What I have come to realize though is that no matter what happens, my marriage I had is over. If we reconcile, it cannot be what it was before. It's a hard decision to accept, and obviously you've seen I've wobbled, but that's the best we can do. I think the hardest thing is trying to put the person I knew before (or thought I did) with the person my H is now. I'm still confused on many levels, but because of my son (and gradually myself) I know I have to move forward.
Just wish none of us had to go through this.
Hugs
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
You ask this question weekly. Why is it so important for you to label this? You seem to keep searching for things that will make it all make sense to you. Or that you can control.
Knowing the answer or giving a definition of what your wife is going through will not change things.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Trying to make your situation fit a category works against you. The categories are just a guide.
Always stay in the present. And it's usually best to assume the best case scenario for hope, and change your own behavior to improve your relationship with her.
More practically said for you, if you really want to choose one of these categories and focus on your reading on the board in Micheles books is to focus on MLC and the sections on Infidelity in divorce remedy.
I say that because these sections help you to deal with the 'long haul' in case you have to endure for awhile.
Jack Three Beans is of great help as he went through this and came out on the other side.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this heartache, especially with the kids as well. Take good care of yourself, because you are worth it, and because it makes you more attractive, and because you need to be your best self.
Wishing you every good thing. May your life and heart be filled with love and peace.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
To answer my own question, I believe that the marriage is over when I decide it to be over, when I have reached whatever threshold I can bear. That threshold has yet to be determined.
I am going to slightly adjust this ^^^^^
The marriage is over at bomb drop for all of us!
We are the ones that ultimately get to decide. Do we want a new marriage relationship with our spouse, or do we want someone else.
There really is no other path that this will take.
This is the heart of the purpose here. Do not let anyone tell you it's time to move on. YOU decide. You are the only person who lives with the consequences of your choices, not the folks who give you advice.
Your thoughts about waiting / standing may be good advice.
Everyone goes to the 'zoo' at least once in their life, most folks return. These affairs usually last ~6M to 2 years. That's brutal on your family and your emotions, but it isn't. A death sentence.
It's good to make sure your finances are not being drained with this situation, but lots of legal fighting, can seem to set things in stone, that don't need to be that way.
You choose, if you still want your marriage, go for it. In the manner that has a chance of working. Do the things that don't make it impossible for her to come back. Don't make it too comfortable for her financially, but don't create financial acts of war.
In the meantime do the hard work of becoming your best self again, the irrisistible man and loving father that you are. Think of her as having an illness right now. It's probably true, it's just mental/emotional. If you don't provide resistance she has nothing to fight. If you are dark (LRT), this affair may fizzle out. Then her healing can begin.
It will be baby steps then with a long road to repair your relationship, but you can come back stronger than ever.
Best- sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
