I RE-read Part 2 of Sandi's LBH today. Again... The piece about Resentment, Disrespect, & Rebellion. Is spot on for my situation. I can point to MULTIPLE instances of each. Sandi - write a book. I would buy it!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Okay. I lied. I'm not done. I do not understand why I have 70 replies with 1994 views? Can someone explain this? Or is it me? Am I writing the 70 replies and then checking 1924 times... its possible I guess.
It would seem that many people look at my thread but no one responds. If you are reading this, feel free to comment. Please set me straight, or just let me know you exist.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mahhhty, I follow along but don't have much advice for you. It seems we are in very similar circumstances, about the same age, same timeline, both D'd (yours on my XW b-day).
I don't know about you but I suspect you are having trouble with closure or even understanding what happened in the M. It also seems that you are understanding more since Sandi started the WW thread.
The resentment, disrespect and rebellion were going on with my W too. I remember at one point her telling me out of the blue that she was smoking and I was just going to have to deal with it. I knew she was. When we first started to date she would smoke when she would drive and I hated it. She quit but I guess since we had separated she decided she was in control and started smoking again. It also seemed like every time we got a little closer together she would get nervous and act out or bring up something like the smoking. The funny thing was that around October she quit on her own because she got sick of it, she even had a vaporizer and quit using it to. In my eyes it just seemed childish.
So you are not alone, I too am trying to right my ship and sail into smoother waters. I have been following Sandi's advice on the WW thread and interacting with my XW as minimally as possible.
Hang tough, we will all make it through this.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Gogo - You are definitely right. From what I can tell our stories are similar. I will check in on your situation soon, and come up to speed. Sandi's LBH thread has been really helpful, and is a good way to keep things in perspective. I'm looking for those smooth waters as well.
Lost - THANK YOU! I do know you are with me! I love your advice, don't second guess that its not valuable, another opinion/understanding is always valuable!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Hi. I read all the posts but don't really have any sage advice All we can do is to try to detach. For me it's very hard so I know what' it can be like for others. The one thing I have learnt it to STFU , I do mess up sometimes but mostly I do ok. It also helps to accept that the M is over. Maybe not forever but for now. Act as if this is the way and with time the detachment will happen. You have to let go of what W is doing or what you expect her to do. Just worry about being the best you that you can be.
Lost - as always thanks for checking up on me. RD & Gogo, thanks for looking in and sharing.
This past week I was really wrapped up with work and the side job. We made some progress and I'm really trying to make the most of the opportunities. It is really consuming work and helps forget about life as it was. I believe I have come to terms with many things, a ton about myself through the journey and learning. All and all I have felt pretty good and been in a good state of mind.
At the end of the week my Aunt died. It was troubling and had been for sometime for her. The wake was yesterday and the funeral today. As far as I know my X knows nothing about it.
Yesterday, she called around 7 PM to say goodnight to the kids. I missed the call and texted her back, around 745 when I was leaving the wake. I said "Sorry about the phone call. I was at a wake." I received no response from her.
Tonight she called at 643 PM, while we were eating after the reception (my sister's family (of 5), plus me and my 2 munchkins and my parents, basically 5 under the age of 5). It was busy. I didn't hear the call. I saw it at 650 or so, gathered the kids in a quiet room (my nephew also wanted to talk to "his Aunt) so we went to a back room and called back at 709. 10 seconds into the conversation, I receive a text from her: "I would like to say goodnight to the kids. This is not okay."
We proceeded to have a conversation to the best of our ability, as any 1 person can do with a 5, 4 and 2 yr old. As the conversation progressed, I could tell she was crying. We hung up.
Then I went to write many things in a text to her. But basically edited everything out and only sent "I received this text after we had been talking to you." And she did not respond. There were many things I wanted to write.
The "this is not okay" statement bothered me greatly, and with me on the phone she choose not to mention anything. And the fact she was crying also concerns me.
Just as I know nothing about her life, she knows nothing about mine. And yet she always air's on the side of blame and acquisitions. Giving me no flexibility, communication, compassion or understanding. But I do believe she expects it from me, when it suits her. I am not attempting on any level to keep the kids from her, or from preventing them to talk to her. Last night was the only night we have missed a conversation with her, and it was for a wake. As identified by herself, she is passive aggressive. And the more I think about that in this situation, the more it fits and contributes to many issues. Obviously for all these reason's she on some level does not trust me, would rather continue to be a victim and therefore, have resentment and blame towards me.
As for the crying. I have no idea, why? Perhaps she didn't want to talk to Dalton. Perhaps, she was that upset with me
I would like to text her back, but I honestly have no idea what to write. Thoughts?
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Why is it so easy to read about another situation and know what to do but so difficult when it's your own. (talking about me not you!)
Do not text her again. As far as how she thinks, feels or acts, you can not control her. She doesn't trust you? There is nothing that YOU can do to change that. What you can do is act the way you know is right and be trustworthy. As much as it [censored] she is unable to treat you like you want her to right now, YOU however, can treat her the way you want to be treated and be the better person. In the end, regardless of the outcome, you have to live with yourself and you will now you did the best you could do.
As for the crying...who knows, maybe she stubbed her toe!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Why is it so easy to read about another situation and know what to do but so difficult when it's your own.
I hear you Lost. I feel the same way. It is much more difficult when it comes ourselves.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
