So the past few night I have been having really bad anxiety while sleeping. Waking up worried where my h is and then it snaps that he's not here. I told my therapist but she had no response. I think it's time to change my therapist.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
This past week has been really hard. He has taken the car from me since he was involved in a accident and totaled his van. So a lot of calling has been required but about our son going to and coming from school. His behavior has been so confusing, he never once asked about our sons school work but the other day he sat down and did his homework with him and he was here till 8pm. Then yesterday he was here again fixing the sprinklers till 9pm. He still lives with the ow (I'm assuimg) so what's really going on in his head? I'm so confused.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Yesterday and today were really hard. He's been acting weird. We don't talk when he comes to visit. It's awkward kinda. I really want him back. I miss us as a family. Today he came for a hour fixed the kids pool and then had to go back to work. I'm doing everything in the Sandy's list. What am I doing wrong?? Any suggestions? Any advice? I'm so depressed...
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
So sorry you have to be here, but your in the right place to get some help. There are many wonderful people that can give great advice, it can just take time to get noticed. Individuals on here have outside commitments and with so many people posting, threads can easily be pushed back a few pages. Keep posting and eventually you will get some vets attention who can better help with your specific situation.
I'm very new to this as-well but what you need to be focusing on right now is yourself. Your H's affair is like a drug addiction and until OW is out of his life he will be emotionally blocked to you.
Make changes in your life for yourself, not your H. These changes are the ones that will stick. The only thing I can see you are doing wrong right now is thinking you are doing something wrong. You see nothing is happening yet and have expectations that they should be. Try not to have any expectations, especially ones with time frames.
Something I'm learning the hard way is how long this process really does take. Don't expect it to be over in a few days/weeks, it cant take months and even years. Also, you don't want to know whats going on in his head, its likely he doesn't even understand it right now.
You cant control him, only yourself, so work on changing yourself for the time being. The threads linked by Cadet at the beginning of your thread are great resources, try to read them all. The lighthouse story is one of my favorites and helped me through some of my beginning moments of panic and depression.
Its also helpful to look around at others threads and read through them. Many times you can find advice from others that will apply to your situation also.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hi Fogg, Thanks for replying. I have been making changes but its so hard you know. I finally found a job, haven't started yet, but I think once I am busy with work, I won't have as much time to think about what's going on. I know not to expect things or changes. I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see in the future. lol. Its really hard to go completely dark cause we have 2 kids and they ask for him all day long. I only call him if I really need something for the kids, but if its something I just usually wait to see him in person and then tell him. I really hope it doesn't last years. This is the hardest thing Ive been through...
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Hi Fogg, I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see in the future. lol. Its really hard to go completely dark cause we have 2 kids and they ask for him all day long. I only call him if I really need something for the kids, but if its something I just usually wait to see him in person and then tell him. I really hope it doesn't last years. This is the hardest thing I've been through...
I think we all wish we had that crystal ball lol. I hope its not years also, but we have to prepare ourselves that it could be that long, or never. I agree also, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but in many ways its something I needed.
I hate the fact my W may not take the opportunity we have at an amazing future, but I'm thankful for finding myself through this. I had so many issues that I've recently looked at and understand myself now more than ever.
I think a good place to start is understand your role in the breakdown of your M. Its not totally your fault this happened, each of you played a part, but you have to own up and face your own. During this time figure out what you contributed so that if your H comes back you will be better off, and if not you can be in a better position to make your next relationship work. You will be OK no matter what happens, with or without him.
You said he stopped loving you 2 years ago, during the time you fought about the job he worked at. This is not to say that's what happened, but it sounds like there was some resentment that set in. Over time that resentment builds in a person and acts like a cancer to the relationship.
Try to think about how you two interacted, what hes said or complained about in the past. Generally our S gives us hints of whats wrong but we don't realize it as anything but complaining or nagging. (At least I believe this is true for both WAH and WAW.)
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hey depress, I think this is the hardest thing many of us have been through.
The fact that he is spending more time at your house is a positive. I know how hard it is. Keep following Sandi's rules it does get easier. Make sure you look and smell good and don't mope around or let him see you angry or upset. Also, if you can, don't avoid him, do what you do...cook dinner, play with S2, bake cookies....whatever, maybe something different. OR if he's there ask him if he minds watching the kids for a bit while you "run an errand"....I'm not very good at the 180's but this is good time for you to try some of your own!
Fogg is right tho, this has to be about you! What are you doing for you?
As far as the depression and anxiety the best advice I can give you is go to your Dr. I know for me I really struggled with having to take meds but I'm glad I did. I also was having really bad anxiety attacks, sometimes the breathing just wouldn't work so i got some anti-anxiety medication as well as anti-depressants. I only took the anti-anxiety 3-4 times but it was a big help. Still on the anti-depressants for now. You have to do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kiddos!
Hang in there!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Hi cadet I have started taking zoloft but hate the way it's making me feel. Monday I need to call the dr and change my prescription/meds. Im doing lots with the kids but I can't get him out of my mind.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
