Vanilla Fudged 12

[Vanilla]

I like the name BFT.

There are three names for a cat you know! T S Elloitt.

An ordinary name, a fancy name and that which only the cat knows.

So which one is real BFT?

V

[edz]

I *love* tse especially The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Well I only know her 'real' one called when it's dinner time 'w' and bft she's cagey on the real one, maybe she whispers it when I'm asleep.

[Vanilla]

Prufrock the virgin man who loves to be a crab. Frightened of life and love, the ordinary man who lives in anxiety. just ordinary.

A bachetlor not like Edz at all! The antithesis?

So what is the appeal of TSE image of this poor man to Edz?

V

[edz]

Ha originally I read it at o level then an age ago I heard afternoons and coffee spoons by barenaked ladies (one of my favourite bands) which brought me 180 back to it. Just love the alliteration in it now:

For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;

[Vanilla]

Sandi 14 steps of recovery (adapted By Vanilla for abuse)

Originally posted by Sandi on the LBS thread 3 and I liked it so thought it might be a starter on abuse.

A list some things the Abuser will need to do in order to reconcile, honestly and completely. If you see something that needs to be added, feel free.

These are in no special order.

1). Consequences! And taking a hit with a hard, maybe a painful loss of some kind. including a police or other intervention
2). Realizing the connection between the abuse with the consequences/loss.
3). Accepting responsibility for the abuse ..and for every loss,
and every hurt caused to those who they love and who love them.
4). Accepting and dealing with the consequences, without blaming anyone but themselves.
5). Making a conscious choice to end the abuse and turn around and be loving. To stop the cycle.
6). Seeking guidance and/or spiritual counsel to guide in how to cleanse the heart of the wrong attitudes, selfcenterness, resentment, rebellion.......whatever is carried that is unhealthy.
7). To be remorseful.  If necessary, even seek spiritual help, pray, whatever......to feel remorse for the destruction that has been caused. Feel true remorse in order to emotionally reconcile and heal properly.
8). To completely forgive for everything in the past. To release the blame, anger, and hurt held throughout the M.
9).  To be wiling to do whatever it takes for the MR to heal.
10). To agree and cooperate with the Abuseds choice of actions to heal.
11). Accept/agree, without resentment, that she is in no position to give any "conditions" to go back into the MR.  And, to accept without resentment, that the greatest level of work in piecing the M back together, must come from them.
12). To accept that it will take time for healthy emotions to be restored.  To realize and accept that success can not be measured by feelings.
13). To be informed, and accept, that there must be withdrawals from the release that abuse gives, and there could be an experience of depression. they need to understand this is normal, and not a sign that they will have never have feelings for their SO.
14).  And the hardest one of all.........learn to forgive themselves.

Keep in mind, these things will not all come about at one time. Neither will they be able to know without some guidance.  It is really important she has help or coaching from an unbiased source who is pro-marriage and is familiar with abuse.

[/quote]

Apologies to Sandi but I made so many changes that it became too cluttered.

Sadly my H is unwilling to do any of this.

[Georgiabelle]

Vanilla,

Whenever I see your thread title, I have a hankering for fudge. Just saying:)

[Vanilla]

Vanilla,

Whenever I see your thread title, I have a hankering for fudge. Just saying:)

Thanks Georgiabelle,

And i thought fudged was more about my mental state! After I double dared Edz to come up with a name, it was one of his pithy comments.

Still fudge is good too.........

V

[rd500]

I Hi Vanillia. How are you doing ? What's your thoughts on R with H ? Is this behaviour normal in his cycle ? Is this a point where Vanillia is out of the big house or are you back in Brighton ?


Take care. Rd

[Vanilla]

I Hi Vanillia. How are you doing ? What's your thoughts on R with H ? Is this behaviour normal in his cycle ? Is this a point where Vanillia is out of the big house or are you back in Brighton ?
Take care. Rd

RD

Thank you for checking in. I am tired, calm and relieved. R with H as H is now, no thank you very much indeed. Like extra rich cake with too much suet, I have had enough. Even the icing and marzipan is unappealing. I may eat the glacé cherry on top!

Oh yes RD, H pity party is typical, but the police involvement has shocked him. Pattern interruptus again disrupts.

I am in Brighton for tonight. Tomorrow H is away, 60 wedding anniversary for his parents. This is the first time H will go on his own, I like H family but this time no thank you H I am no longer playing happy families with you. My best wishes have gone separately.

So safe tomorrow. I keep escaping one on one by the skin of my teeth. VSO says 3 weeks before any interaction and that is next tuesday. Sunday Ceroc! Wooooooo

So Sunday night is my first night at the Big House when H will be there. I am seeing H in the office. Spending my time doing invoices.

One day at a time RD. I am in a better space.

V

[Pink17]

Hi V,

That's really thoughtful. It makes you think that some people like to control others so much that they loose their own control on themselves.

I really believe that the main problem that makes a person to become an abuser in the first place is the fact that they have so much insecurities, hurts, inferiority complex and more.

But V, you are doing a great job in stepping out of this vicious cycle. Taking care after yourself and getting some life out of all this.

V is putting V first and this is the first step for a abuser to lose his power over V.

Hope you are coping with all the pain and hurt in a positive way to understand that you are doing all this to keep yourself sane and safe.

You have the right to live a happier and more fulfilling life V, and even if it does not feel good now, with time and care you will regain confidence in yourself.

Thinking about you V,
Love,
Pink