Confused & mix messages part 2

[aNewGuy]

Cherry,

My heart goes out to you as well as your H and baby! You because this is such a heart wrenching situation, and H because he really, clearly has no idea what's at stake here!

Now STOP here a second before you read on. I am very new here, also new to online forums in general, my WAW and I have no children, and my perspective on your situation is therefore quite limited. So do not act on what I say next without some confirmation from some other trusted source(s), OK? This is just my two cents...

Seems to me like he needs to SEE and ***NOT HEAR*** that his beautiful, super smart, super caring bride and mother of his child has had it with his disrespectful behavior, sees through his manipulations, and now chooses to take excellent care of her own needs and her child's needs whilst NOT be affected by any of his bad behavior any longer.

To make him see this, you might become scarce in his life. Allow him to wonder where you are, while you are doing some other thing you enjoy. For me it is target shooting with my air rifle in the back yard, grilling out with friends, projects around the house, short road trips. But for you and your child, it will be something different. Stuff YOU enjoy!

I hope you realize your strength in all of this, you've earned a degree, you've had the presence of mind to come to this site for help saving your family, and you have the kindness required to welcome a total newcomer to this site! Sounds like you have the necessary tools at hand for success at DBing so long as you accept this doesn't come easy and doesn't come quick. Life is long.

In reading your thread it sounds like you may become emotional and "let him have it" verbally sometimes. While he probably deserves every word of it, and I guarantee your emotions are real and raw and strong right now, I promise you this is an area where a "180" is worth trying and seeing if it helps you and ultimately your sitch.

When you two are talking, find the strength to suppress your emotions as well as the urge to speak your mind. Listen, listen, listen. Then listen some more. Listen actively, and remember your actions (in other parts of your lives besides the conversations between you) will essentially do all the talking for you! Become the queen of the two word answer for a while here. Then vent elsewhere. If this sounds like it rings a bell with you, then it may be worth a try. He won't know what to do if you suddenly no longer will engage him in his bad behavior!

I pray - and suspect others are praying too - the right wisdom comes at the right times for you at every step along the way!

[Cherry]

Anewguy thank you so much for your kind words. Funny you should mention being calm.. Last night he wanted the "talk " he came in very angry. I was so unbelievably calm- maybe even emotionless. I didn't want to make him think I really want him back. Nor did I make him feel I didn't want him. I listened, I validated, I bit my tongue. And when needed I accepted my part on the break down in our marriage.
As usual with a WAS his emotions where everywhere. One minute angry, one minute sad.. Absolutely everywhere. And I took a good minute to think and almost sorry that this man is so so lost right now. And it's actually me holding the cards in a sense.
I KNOW that I'm someone worth having and cherishing. And although I do want my family whole, I'm starting to believe that either way me and my baby are going to get by.
I thought the way he had been he was going to tell me he was filing, but he didn't. We said about staying as we are, not filing yet. Which, gives me time to make more changes to me for me and my son. And maybe I might get to a point where I feel I no longer need him- I don't know.
My heart goes out to everyone who ends up here. But I am so grateful for the help and wise words. I read sandi2's posts from a WAS VP and it honestly was such an eye opener, really hit home and made sense to me.

[Sotto]

Cherry, I was so pleased to read your post, and wow you handled that well. When I read that, and look back over some of your older posts, you are travelling fast towards a good place. Your H may or may not be able to keep up!

Good for you! x

[aNewGuy]

This online community is an amazing resource filled with amazing stories and advice! I think Toots is right you are traveling fast to a good place. It was really encouraging to read your post from this morning, hang in there!

[Cherry]

Thank you. In honesty I impressed myself.
If your were to look at is last night it's as though we had switched places from a few weeks back. I looked stable and he looked all over the place. I'm not saying I'm not still hurting and upset. But determined to get me to this better place and make the changes I need.

[Heart14]

Way to go!! You handled that perfectly!

If your were to look at is last night it's as though we had switched places from a few weeks back. I looked stable and he looked all over the place.

That's because you are more stable and rational than he is right now. As long as he's in this crisis/fog, or whatever you want to call it, he's not going to be either of those things.

I agree with the other posters. It sounds like you are really starting to find your own strength. Kudos to you! You've got this!

[Fogg]

Thank you. In honesty I impressed myself.
If your were to look at is last night it's as though we had switched places from a few weeks back. I looked stable and he looked all over the place. I'm not saying I'm not still hurting and upset. But determined to get me to this better place and make the changes I need.

Great job.

I know the feeling of switching roles feels so alien at first. I remember being in such a emotional state the first few weeks and asking "Do you mind if I ask where your going" as I was looking down at the floor. Must have looked so pathetic, I couldn't even make eye contact when I said it. Now W has asked the same thing in nearly the exact same way. Twice actually. Makes you understand they are even more lost than you are. You keep getting stronger while they continue in the chaos.

[Cherry]

Thank you so much- the encouragement from you guys honestly psychs me up- and teaches me vital skills. I used to do the same thing. And stay in the house as I felt I couldn't go out for panicking and crying for a few days, while he looked happy in his new life going out. Now I quite happily go out and do things. I disappear off the radar- I am very vague when he messages to see what I'm up to.. And when I'm at home, I surprise him by doing those bits of diy that he was putting off..

[Cherry]

I think feeing unwell has set me back today. When he hasn't returned this morning I would usually go out. However I'm unwell so couldn't. I am confused by his behaviour, I do try not to read into it. But he says about keeping a day for "family " is this usual behaviour for the average wayward. Some things he does scream midlife crisis- though surely he's too young. He hasn't mentioned the D again, but I know that's where his goal is eventually, as the things he says indicates that we will work at being separated and then file.
I know this gives me valuable time. But when I feel unwell and emotional it's hard to see things ever moving forward. Plus if he wants to keep a family day- do I agree, or do I say no in order to detach? It's difficilt when you have a young baby. Cause I'm trying to think of what's best for him.
Any co- parents with advise?

[Cherry]

Also, I think my behaviour is leading my h to think I'm on board with the idea of a d.. Although I have told him that I don't want one, and I believe in the sanctity of m. From the way he talks I think he believes I'm just getting my head straight and then we will do it. Am I leading him into the wrong train of thought. It's just I'm not stopping his actions, I'm not questioning him- I can sort of see why he thinks I'm no longer bothered. I think he saw my early days of crying and pleading as wanting him back.