Alpha - the future is now!

[alpha99]

Spot on as ever.

Intellectually I do understand what I need to do. Emotionally I am struggling to be capable of doing what is necessary. There are so many thoughts and feelings, those of guilt towards my children should I one day meet someone new (feels like they would be downgraded in importance in some way), those of regret that our marriage didn't work (should it not ultimately), fear of loneliness, and so many others.

I know I need to lose the fear. I know that. I have read so many times that it was only when someone truly let go that their spouse showed some attention. As I've written previously, if I saw more of my children properly then that would be easier. As it is, not seeing them very often at the moment, it is incredibly hard.

edit: I will look at the other type of relationship you mentioned starksy.

If anyone reading this could help, what specifically were the things that you changed for yourself?

I have changed my appearance, used deodorant, more consistent in dental care, had my teeth cleaned, bought glasses etc. These things are more superficial than personality changes. Those I'm trying to work on are: being more patient with people, using agreement rather than arguing and reason, becoming more independent and self confident, having a positive, non sarcastic outlook on life.

I am reading 5 love languages right now. Am I right to say that I should implement the findings from this at some future point should my wife come around to things. I guess at the moment trying to use her love language in our brief encounters and given that I'm trying to pull back and detach would be a bad idea. I guess I was thinking that pulling back but doing something positive when we did meet makes sense, but maybe I'm confusing myself.

[alpha99]

I should have added to the previous post that I guess it takes time for changes to be noticed by a spouse.

Other popular changes I read about are:

learning to speak in a soft voice.
be less critical of spouse.
other specific 180s dependent on the person.

any more?

[Starsky309]

I should have added to the previous post that I guess it takes time for changes to benoticed by a spouse.
come part of an individual's new behavior.

There. Fixed it for you.

[alpha99]

I had a dream last night...

I was at a fairground with my children. We were wandering around going on different rides. We settled on a little train ride cum slide that went round and round - an imaginary thing - not even a real ride. It went around and around and around. My children were so happy. They said 'I love you daddy.' I was so happy.

I woke up, realised it was a dream...I cried uncontrollably.

[alpha99]

Just had a call from my W.

It seemed slightly odd. She called to ask if I still wanted to take the children out tonight. She must surely know that I would. She said that D5 asked her to come along too. She is not sure whether she wants to or not. She asked me whether she should or not. I tried to validate her thoughts by saying 'that is up to you to decide. You can come if you want to but I can't make that decision for you.' She said she is going to let me know later.

I have been reading a lot about detachment. I feel I would do a far better job of it if I had more time with the children. Achieving that has to be my most immediate aim for once it is achieved I can focus on them more without feeling the total loss of not having my family near me very much.

GAL activties: I have joined a meet up group for my local area. They do lots of different activities (pub quizzes, meals out, cinema trips etc). They seem to be fairly active as there are meet ups every few days of some sort. I am going to try and integrate myself into the group little by little.

EDIT: Another thought springs to mind. The plan at the moment is for me to have the kids during tomorrow day time. My wife was originally meant to be coming along tonight because she doesn't trust me alone with the children at this point. Now she is contemplating whether to come or not. That must surely be a sign that she is starting to trust me. It also begs the question that if she was coming out tonight to see over the whole evening due to lack of trust, why would it be fine for me to have them alone tomorrow.

I'm confused now.

[Starsky309]

You're MINDREADING. You have no way of knowing what she's thinking, or what her agenda is. Do what's best for yourself and your kids.

[alpha99]

Hi Starksy,

I took heed of your comments about WANT and NEED yesterday. It really made me think. Although I bad a nightmare and woke up crying, I have been feeling better about the whole thing today. I know my emotions have changed wildly in a short space of time, but I do feel like I am slowly getting to grips with this.

What it boils down to is this:

* I want to save my marriage.
* I have zero control over that.
* There are things I can do to make myself better that may impact upon my sitch but they need to be done FOR ME.
* I must do what is right for my children.
* I must APPLY what I theoretically understand.
* If all efforts to save my marriage fail, ultimately life will go on and I will always be there for my children.
* I really do WANT to save my marriage.

[Luis P]

Hi Alpha

I understand how your feeling, but Starksy and everyone who wrote as I followed the thread is right and is tough to control the emotion but you need to think on yourself, you need to look at your wife not as the cake but as the frost that comes on top.

Important step which I see your getting in place is your children. I know perfectly well that your fear to let go and twin mom has said that you need to accept and let go and work on you. The feeling is there for your wife. This cannot go away, and I'm not saying what you should do, but giving you my opinion. You are a good father, you seem very clever, and you should just face this as it's over, do what's best for your children, and respect your wife and be kind to her. Maybe she will see the change but the change you must truly do this not as a tool to win her back but to learn and improve on yourself. I really see you took action and so many people out there they end a relationship and never work on themselves with the healing process.

One thing I would find maybe good is IC but this is if you would find it beneficial, and is not for you to do but you yourself should think if you need this. I have undertaken this and I found it helped along reading books from Michelle from the site.

I hope I was not offensive and I really as everyone on this site hope good to come out from all of this.

Have faith))

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha, just a few suggestions from me....

What it boils down to is this:

* I want to save my marriage.
* I have some control zero control over that.
*I have zero control over my W, but 100% control of me
* There are things I can do to make myself better that may impact upon my sitch but they need to be done FOR ME.
* I must do what is right for my children.
* I must APPLY what I theoretically understand, and learn to manage my emotions.
* If all efforts to save my marriage fail, ultimately life will go on and I will always be there for my children.
* I really do WANT to save my marriage - but recognise I will actually be okay either way.

If you keep a list like this as your mantra Alpha, I don't think you can go too far wrong...

T xx

[Luis P]

Hi Toots

That's actually good advise)) I couldn't have said this better)