All the GALing etc in the world is great, all the DB'n techniques fantastic, but what is the point of anything if you can't be with your W and kids?
Your kids, YES. But Alpha if you NEED your wife, then that isn't love . . . it's co-dependency. And it's NOT healthy.
And I think you clearly DO "need" her in order to even get through more than 24 hours with your stability intact. I think you're going to need some really good individual counseling to deal with this, as it's way above MY pay grade or really any of us on an anonymous internet relationship forum. Because yes, the DB principles DO require you to not pursue, and yet you're basically saying (and showing us) that you NEED to, you NEED to be with her in order to even be happy in your life.
Our spouse should be our FROSTING, not our CAKE.
I'm sorry you're struggling so much. As for the God thing, I too used to cry out to Him to DO something. And thru my sitch, I realized that He was waiting for ME to, and that He would help me. And He did.
I know doing things that seem counter intuitive is the thing here. I want to save my marriage. I have read the about the LRT. I've even started to implement it. I guess I haven't read it like you say though: Is the basic premise of it to leave your former life behind, start a new one in the best way possible, improving yourself as you go, with the kids involved as much as possible, do it for yourself but hope that in the process of doing so your wife has a realisation of who you've become and maybe decides to change her mind?
YES, with the additional realization that if she doesn't, you and your kids will be okay.
And YES, it's hard. Damned hard. As the first sentence of a great booked called A Road Less Traveled says,
Great book. Highly recommend it. Also, the first reading assignment my counselor gave me way back when. Right after she asked me what I was so afraid of.
She even suggested I frame the Robert Frost poem the line originates from as my personal mantra.
DB is The Road Less Traveled.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I used to cry(hysterically sob) when I was alone for God to bring my husband back and then I realized just asking for what I wanted wasn't going to make it happen.
I started praying for God to hold me and ease my pain. I prayed for him to open the doors that need to be opened and close the ones he knows should be shut.
Alpha, you NEED an IC and VERY likely some anti depressants.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
It's a lovely sunny spring afternoon here, the kind of afternoon where I would normally take the children to the park at the end of the road and play football, come home and have our tea, play some games, watch tv, cuddle them and send them off to bed. Today I don't get to see them at all.
W called back and uhm'd and arh'd about whether we should go out tonight or tomorrow (I'm guessing she had msgs back saying so and so can't make it for a night out or whatever). I might be wrong but it would seem I'm the second choice here. I knew I should have set out a boundary and stuck to making it tomorrow that we go out. Now she has dilly dallied around and I look like I'm free any time to pick up the family pieces.
I have a traditional view of family: H, W, children...all at home together. Not having that, not having control of the fate of that even, is hard to come to terms with.
I think you're right Starksy, I think I do need counselling. I have been told that there is a 6 month waiting list for NHS funded counselling. Privately funded counselling is expensive. I don't think I can afford it right now. Maybe my parents could help here. I am not au fait with the different kinds but I'm assuming you mean I go along to marriage counselling on my own?
I don't think I have been pursuing though. I think I've called her once in about the best part of two weeks, maybe texted once as well. I don't know if I NEED her, but I desperately WANT her. Not just because she is my W and I love her, but because she is the mother of my children and I want them to have the best start in life. However good a job she does alone, or we do co-parenting, it is never going to be a match for what could have been had we been happy and together as a family. I know clearly she wasn't happy but the frustrating thing is that if she had sat me down and gone through her issues with me, I would have taken them on board and done something about it.
Years ago I was hospitalised and told I couldn't drink any alcohol for six months. I didn't touch a drop. I'm not a big drinker anyway, even when I was younger, but the fact that it had to be done meant I did it. If she'd said X has to stop from now on, or could you do Y for me please, then I really would have took on board what she said. That is the most frustrating part - the things that are broken are easily fixable but she won't give me the chance to show her that.
I like the folk duo 'The Milk Carton Kids'. I'm on their mailing list and got an email last night announcing a new album and preview of a track. I listened to it but had to stop it half way through. My W and I went to see them about 18 months ago and every moment the song was on was just a reminder of that time. It hurts when I can't listen to music I like because it takes me to a happier time. This reminds me of a Nick Drake line:
Life is but a memory Happened long ago A theatre full of sadness From a long forgotten show.
OK, now I'm crying.
Last edited by alpha99; 03/26/1504:48 PM.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
If she'd said X has to stop from now on, or could you do Y for me please, then I really would have took on board what she said. That is the most frustrating part - the things that are broken are easily fixable but she won't give me the chance to show her that.
This ^^^ is what I'm talking about, Alpha. This ^^^ is unhealthy co-dependency. You don't make the self-improvements in your life for HER, you do them for YOU and for your kids, and to build yourself up into a much better partner for the next woman down the road. And if in so doing, it re-attracts your wife back? Well then, BONUS.
I guarantee you that your wife smells this fear and co-dependency, this "just tell me what to do, and I'll do it!!!" It's literally repulsive to her, I can assure you. She would much rather see a man that stands up for his own beliefs, passions and interests, and says "I'd still love for you to share these with me, but if not . . . I realize I'll be okay and the kids will be too and we've got a wonderful life."
If she'd said X has to stop from now on, or could you do Y for me please, then I really would have took on board what she said. That is the most frustrating part - the things that are broken are easily fixable but she won't give me the chance to show her that.
This ^^^ is what I'm talking about, Alpha. This ^^^ is unhealthy co-dependency. You don't make the self-improvements in your life for HER, you do them for YOU and for your kids, and to build yourself up into a much better partner for the next woman down the road. And if in so doing, it re-attracts your wife back? Well then, BONUS.
I guarantee you that your wife smells this fear and co-dependency, this "just tell me what to do, and I'll do it!!!" It's literally repulsive to her, I can assure you. She would much rather see a man that stands up for his own beliefs, passions and interests, and says "I'd still love for you to share these with me, but if not . . . I realize I'll be okay and the kids will be too and we've got a wonderful life."
THAT is where you want to get to.
Starsky
YEP!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ventured into the dating world a little these past few months and I can tell you one thing. The guys that are falling all over themselves to send flowers, be available when I have an hour to meet up, text whenever and suddenly love whatever I say I do IRRITATE the crap out of me. Drop them so fast it will make your head spin. Be true to yourself, but first FIND YOURSELF!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I googled co-dependency because I wasn't sure what it was. I bow to your superior knowledge in this area, I just feel I have a strong attachment to her because she is my wife and I love her. I agree that maybe this has been too strong and I have indulged in things and behavioural patterns for the purpose of pleasing her, not myself.
When you quoted my comments, I understand what you mean. I was never really aware of the things that she didn't like. OK, maybe I was with some of them but dismissed them. If I had been then I would have changed those things for her if they were things that I agreed were not desirable. I am now making those changes because I realise that they are not desirable traits in me. I dearly hope that my wife notices these changes and responds positively but if she doesn't then they will be there still for whoever comes along next. It is a paralyzing fear that my wife will end up in a proper relationship with someone else, I will too, and it will haunt both of us and our children for a lifetime.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
When you quoted my comments, I understand what you mean. I was never really aware of the things that she didn't like. OK, maybe I was with some of them but dismissed them. If I had been then I would have changed those things for her if they were things that I agreed were not desirable. I am now making those changes because I realise that they are not desirable traits in me. I dearly hope that my wife notices these changes and responds positively but if she doesn't then they will be there still for whoever comes along next. It is a paralyzing fear that my wife will end up in a proper relationship with someone else, I will too, and it will haunt both of us and our children for a lifetime.
Alpha, as I've seen in MANY of your posts, INTELLECTUALLY I think you get it. That's the part in blue, and you have it precisely right.
But the part in red totally negates any intellectual or emotional progress you make on the first part, and snuffs it out with the second part. Learn to "LOSE THE FEAR," and you will have begun the successful part of your journey.
"Losing the fear" is THE hardest part of DBing, for most of us.
I googled co-dependency because I wasn't sure what it was. I bow to your superior knowledge in this area, I just feel I have a strong attachment to her because she is my wife and I love her. I agree that maybe this has been too strong and I have indulged in things and behavioural patterns for the purpose of pleasing her, not myself.
Alpha, instead of looking up "co-dependency" (altho, "Co-Dependent No More" is an excellent, definitive book on the subject and ALWAYS worth a read) try instead googling "enmeshed relationships." That may be a better place for you (and hopefully with the help of a good IC) to start.
