Gwen, Happy Mother's Day! How are you doing? I know the anniversaries and special events are tough right now because they still bring back the memories of what was said and/or done a year ago, but in time, the pain will not hurt as much. Give yourself the gift of time here and allow yourself to grieve and know that you will get better.
It's true, your h is no longer the man you knew. The "opposite" self has taken over and there is no guarantee that he will return completely as the "old" self when his crisis is over.
I'm not surprised to read that he has little or no contact w/his daughters. This is typical of MLCers. At some point, he will select one daughter to "pal" around with. It will be the daughter that doesn't question his choices. They all appear to do this pick and choose option. As he moves through his crisis, he will eventually reconnect w/both daughters, but that's a long ways away and I'm sure they are having a difficult time staying connected w/him right now. He's in the early stages of replay and that is truly the "wild" time for them because they are on a high of being "young" and "free" like teens all over again.
Gwen, you had no idea as to what was going on in his head and I don't want you to beat yourself up over this. There was no way that you were going to "keep" him from leaving. You didn't break him, therefore you couldn't fix him and what is going on w/him has absolutely nothing to do w/you or what you should or shouldn't have done. He would have made this journey whether he was w/you, single or in another relationship. It all goes back to his childhood issues.
What you stated about friends not understanding this type of split, I can agree w/that because it hits you right between the eyes w/o any warning. In a normal split, couples pretty much have a good idea as to why they are going their separate ways. In MLC land, you have no idea and it's all so unusual.
Gwen, you are going to be okay, but it takes time. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Okay?
Please enjoy the day w/your daughters and know that your family and friends love you and we, the cyber community love you too!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job, Lou, Birght, Mirage and friends for checking on me. I am doing okay. Mother's Day was nice with my girls and I only cried a bit at the end of the day. Next up is our 26th anniversary but at least I will be at work for most of the day.
All these milestone dates leave me feeling unbelievably sad. I knew this was going to be hard but I do believe that by my birthday I will feel like I have survived this catastrophic event. I mean the consequences will still be felt. The aftershocks are real but I think I will feel some sense of closure after the the first year.
One ride around the sun. One complete set of holidays. All four seasons and 12 months later I will have survived. I didn't think I could survive. Seriously I was not sure if I'd be sane because he left and he still runs away from me and our girls.
Even his mother told me the man I married does not exist. She told me even his voice sounds completely different. That is about as much validation I am ever going to get that I am not crazy. I survived all of it and for some reason that gives me permission to detach a bit. The one year mark is about 10 weeks away but now I see that it is coming and I welcome the chance to say I survived a year after BD. It's a huge step.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
You are doing a great job! Only upon reflection does this crazy time begin to make sense.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
Almost 13 months since BD. In the last few weeks I survived our anniversary and celebrated the birthday of our oldest. Our youngest finished an entire year of school without any contact from her father. We rewrote some memories on a recent road trip to a city that held many family memories. I am stronger. Our children our stronger.
One of the most profound moments in the last month was a performance by my youngest. Her school hosts an honors showcase each year as part of their dance program. My daughter has studied dance since she was 3 and is very gifted. What started as a hobby has evolved into much more.
One of my biggest concerns over the last year was that D was not dealing with her emotions surrounding her father. I have no wish to bash him or dwell in anger but, to me, it felt like she was ignoring everything and it was a concern. She assured me she was fine but her air of normalcy kind of worried me....cut to this performance. There are simply no words to describe it. The song she chose and the choreography and her dance stunned me. This amazing young woman used her art in this safe place to show me that she was working through everything. It was intimate and beautiful and such a profound gift. I was 3 other moms who know our story and we were all crying. Her sister was there too and she had helped edit the music. I was a puddle but in a good way because my girl is okay.
All these positive things and he still haunts me. Hoping the next 8 weeks will give me some peace as I approach one complete ride around the sun since finding out the truth. Sorry to rant but I feel lost and isolated at the oddest times. I was with him for over half my life and practically all of my adult years.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen, I would be one of these who would cry too. It is so beautiful that your D could express herself. You are all working your way through this. I can relate to these moments of sadness at the times when you would least expect it.
Hang in there. I have no doubt you and your Ds will be fine.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Gwen my friend, your daughters sound wonderfully mature and talented young ladies. This is a testament to you and you should be really proud of yourself.
Your daughters performance sound amazing and emotional; having an artistic ability to channel ones emotions into is a gift and she sounds like she portrayed her inner thoughts very powerfully. I would have been sniffing away like you, especially as you were not expecting it -
It will take time to detangle yourself from your identity as a wife and couple with your h, its a long process to "fall out of love" - we may think that they seemed to have achieved it so quickly by their current actions, but deep down, that love is still there, they have just lost it and for those of us who choose to stand for our m, we hope that its a temporary situation and they will find it again before too much hurt and damage has been caused.
You are handling this all so well Gwen - having your h seemingly fall off the earth is hard, I really understand how you feel - its like "seriously, I spent all those years with this guy and seemingly overnight I no longer mean anything to him, how is this possible" - it goes to show you that this crisis that they enter is real, it has to be as its the only logical explanation.
You have taken one of the most stressful events to happen to a person and owned it, you move forward with such courage and strength and do it so quietly and with such grace - I am in awe of you. I tend to bounce around all over the place !
Keep going Gwen, you will make lots of new and happy memories to add to those you already have in the coming yrs
Gwen I found your posts. Tomorrow is our 30th wedding anniversary and BD 1 year anniversary is June 2. I survived the year! Feeling stronger everyday, not sure where we're headed. Your doing an amazing job. I've thought many times during the year how much harder it would be if I had kids at home. Our girls are 29, 27 and 25. The biggest issue for me with older children is their knowledge of everything. Unfortunate that they were exposed to his infidelity at a time when they are settling down with their boyfriends and future husbands. He's been a terrible example and I think that has a lot to do with his head being in the sand. Embarrassment and guilt.
Sis
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
