Gwen, We all know what you are experiencing and it's painful, the ache in your heart is terrible because your heart has been split in two and the anger is there because of what he's done to you, your family and your financial status and the future you had hoped to share w/him.
Yes, it is a relief to have the financial issues resolved for now and I can understand the exhaustion because it's not only physical, but mental and emotional exhaustion that have hit you hard. Feel the pain, work through it, feel the exhaustion and when you are tired, rest a bit. The anger is something you will experience periodically throughout your journey. Feel that anger, use it to help you move forward. Find things that you can use that anger on, i.e., such as painting, weeding the flower bed, exercising, etc. If it gets to be too much take a drive somewhere, pull over and scream to your heart's content.
Whatever you do, do not stuff those feelings down...get them out there front and center and release them as you experience them. One you do, you will discover that you feel better, you will begin to grow and yes, continue to move forward.
We are here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today I definitely took a step back. Was so emotional about Easter that I sent H an email. Nothing full of anger but I said we went to Mass and then I babbled on a bt about the significant relationships in our lives. Told him I miss my H and wished him clarity and peace this Easter.
I mean I have the right to do reach out and he probably hit delete anyway. Guess I am dumbfounded that my H has just vanished. He texted the girls Happy Easter and I don't think they even responded. They have zero respect and I am still trying to pave a road home. Why? Am I really a saint or just feel like I am not worthy of any respect?
I keep thinking my H is in there somewhere. He's confused. He's unwell. I mean I fought for a separation agreement just in case this was permanent but clearly I keep thinking I'll wake up and he'll call and apologize. He's never made an attempt to reach out to me. Logically I know that but emotionally I just can't seem to face it.
Up until BD last year I don't think he ever lied to me. Maybe he did? I mean H fell so quickly into this abyss and now he is 2000 miles away. The running when life got tough was always there but we moved together. I thought H was ambitious but now I think he was avoiding monotony.
Why can't I accept this situation? My faith tells me marriage is a sacrament but there is a 3rd person in our relationship. H is choosing to live with another woman. As a Catholic he is turning his back on the church. We decided to raise and educate our girls in the faith. It boggles my mind that he could be so bold.
I was so determined to get the business of this separation out of the way. Now that I've done that I can't seem to get to the next place. I still wear my ring but he has removed his and is going to live with OW like we never existed.
I need to talk with the Priest. I am struggling with reconciling my faith with my moral compass. My girls see me and I wonder if they think I am compassionate or a woman with low self esteem? My heart would be breaking if I saw them having to endure a situatin like this.
Last edited by 123Gwen; 04/05/1511:27 PM.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen, you are not a saint and you are not a woman with low self-esteem. You love your H, you had a marriage lasting for 25 years. It is not an easy thing to do (unless you are an MLCer), to turn off all the good memories and cut all connections, or to understand how the person who you thought was your best friend could do that.
He might actually wake up one day and realizes what he has done, and apologize. But, it is not going to happen until he goes through his journey. It is not even a year since your BD. He is still in a “new” relationship, thinking that he is on the way to happiness. Give it some time. As every relationship that is founded on lies and betrayal, it will start to crumble sooner or later.
As for you not moving to the next place after you’ve done your separation agreement, you accomplished a very important step, which gives you piece of mind about your finances. Now, get your patience shovel. Take care of yourself and your girls.
At least he texted your Ds to wish them Happy Easter. It means he is thinking about them.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I am glad you have filed for separation. This is important for your protection (financial). You need to have that in case he never comes around.
I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through, I can only imagine how terrible it must feel. You are a brave lady and I admire your patience and you standing for your marriage.
Hi Gwen. Do you really feel like you took a step back? Maybe there was something you needed to say- for you. It's not like you do it every week. You said how you feel. That's OK. At least, I think so. What do you have to lose? I know there seems to be so many "rules" to this, but if it was from the heart, and you needed to say that, then, hey, I wouldn't look at that as a step back.
But now, turn the focus back to you. That's what it's all about. Your post... I could relate to your feelings so well. Now, however, there is no road for me to pave. So, I am at a place of letting go- forever. Since I have been at a different place than I am now, I think how you are feeling now, I can relate to that. I have been there.
I mean, like really... I could totally relate to that post! I do think that paving the road comes a little later. If that is the focus now, you may be missing some focus on you. Yeah, I know- who am I to say that, right? But, like I said, my road has become a dead end. Or the highway to he!!... something like that...
My mom and dad were divorced, Gwen. I think my parents went through lots of the stuff you read about here. My mom understands a lot of these concepts, even though she has never read these books or knows this board, or anything. But, she says things that you hear the vets say. One thing she has told me from the beginning is to detach. And she also went a long time without communicating with my dad. My mom totally started her own life. She worked like crazy, volunteered, poured herself into so many thing- I didn't see her much! But, my point is that she said she never thought they would get remarried. She didn't see it like that. Even though she fought for her marriage for a really long time, my dad couldn't get it together and SHE filed for divorce (I learned that this year). She wasn't paving the road. Not for a long time. She let go and let God. She became independent. She put my brothers through college, worked a million jobs (outside of her teaching career) and raised an out-of-control, angry teenage daughter (ahem...). She let God take the wheel when it came to my dad (which I wonder about MLC- but he was an alcoholic).
Gwen, as much as your post resonated with my own personal feelings, I guess I just wanted to share that with you. That even if you aren't necessarily "paving the road" right now, it doesn't mean that you won't be in the future. I think you should just take care of you. You are amazing. You have been so strong. Know that nothing you do right now will change what he is doing. Even if he feels what you say. Even if it resonates with him while he reads or hears it, it is not going to change until HE makes the decision to take a look around- take a look inside- and FEELS it. Like- really- feels it.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Gwen. Talk to your priest. Listen to him. I am sure your girls are just as confused as you. They know why you feel the way you do. They also see you being strong for them, caring for them. That's what they will remember. And the love you have for your family. I don't think they are looking at it as low self esteem or anything like that. They get why you are hurt.
You'll be OK, Gwen. Pick your head up. It was an emotional day for me, too.
Gwen – we are like two peas in a pod, such similar stories, even down to the BD date; we were meant to find each other!!
I get your sadness, the raw pain of not understanding what is going on and why. Why him, why me, why us ….unfortunately we cannot predict who will be affected by this midlife questioning – it seems that it does not matter if you had the best marriage in the world, it can still come and get you.
Don’t beat yourself up about your email to your h; this NC thing is so hard, it’s easy to succumb to temptation – the need to know if anything has changed draws us in. It is something I wrangle with too; in the past I have written it out first on the computer, let it sit overnight, normally that sees me delete it in the morning. I also look at it and ask myself – am I prepared for the possible response to this and of course there is job, always in my head with “its pursuing, don’t do it” lol. So draw a line under it and move on.
Leave him to his toy box and keep the focus on you and your girls, for you are what is important now.
My friend – we deserve more, we are worth more and we certainly are stronger than these weak men that came in to our lives and broke our hearts. You will be ok and have faith that everything will turn out just as it should be – with you happy and content with your life again.
Big hug! I'm not as far along as you but I totally understand your conflict. In my mind the marriage is salvageable if H would become physically and emotionally present. I feel a huge sense of duty as I made commitments to this marriage. Taking formal steps to end the marriage also makes me feel very guilty- that I am forcing something on my children. In reality we did not make these situations. The P-A is master at giving us their emotions to deal with b/c they have no clue how to process them. This is a long process of emotions coming in line with our logic, I wish I had some advice. Know you are not alone in the mixed-up feelings.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
Hey Gwen, I don't think you took a step back. You said something you had to say, so that's done, and now you move on. Don't spend any more time thinking about it. I had a hard day yesterday too. Was blessed to be with family and friends almost all day long, but still. Even though it's my 2nd Easter already without XH, I still thought about him a good portion of the day. That was a good portion too much, however. I have often wished my XH had moved far away. Detaching is still hard, but easier when out of sight (out of mind). I also thought many of the things you wrote in your last post. And we are also Catholic. I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that he just said 'the h3ll with my vows -- I see something I want and I'm going after it.' Completely boggles my mind. We had many conversations about that in the past, about people cheating/leaving their marriages that way. Neither one of us was 'that type of person' - until 2013. That's why I still think he has a brain tumor or chemical imbalace/male menopause. :-)
You can handle this Gwen. I know you can. Keep writing.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
