Vanilla Fudged 12

[edz]

How goes it Lady V we haven't heard from you on your sitch for a couple of days, let us know you're doing ok.

Edz (and BFT)

[Dawn70]

Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way, V.

[Vanilla]

Thank you Edz and Dawn

I am still processing and dealing with the change. And feel surprising chilled.

The decision is made and I have mentally moved on. I am ok.

I had to go back to the house and I can cope. H appears as if he is in shock and being 'nice'. No R talk no suggestion of his thinking and V is disinterested. I know this is honeymoon behaviour and we can wait until the mask slips again. I will not be abused. no drama. I can be tolerant if I am not abused. No apologies from H and I have never asked. Enough, it has ended and I know i am still.

Yesterday H did the food shopping, first time in years and came back with lamb, asked if I would show him how to cook Tagine! So I cooked the lamb the slow cooker, was delicious. h ate a large portion and sat down, did not go to the pub!

It's just part of the cycle. A long cycle from a man who has issues. I see through the charade and it amuses me.

V

[Zelda09]

Have you ever been through the whole cycle with him before V? Where he went honeymoon? Sounded like he was just escalating spew for a very long time.

You have spent a lot more time in counseling and support groups than me. Do they know what they are doing in cycling, or do they just react off their own gut to manipulate and get their needs met? How much awareness of themselves do these types generally have?

I am hoping all quiet in your house for as long as possible. Took your advice and went paddleboarding, kickboxing and dog walking this afternoon. It was nice.

[Ggrass]

Yes, it's amusing. For us but sad for them as they have no ideas why things go the way they go. Hence the Blame onto others.

[Pink17]

Hi V,

I lived very close to a lot of abusers. My father was the one I saw very close.

My mom takes medication for anxiety, and will probably on it for the rest of her life. My dad was manipulative, he used the aggression and verbal abuse to put my mom in the corner.

I saw my mom enduring so much pain that when I felt I was old enough I faced him. The first time was a day before XMas, my mom cooked a lot of food. In Brasil, we do a lot of finger food, appetizers. It was late afternoon and he came home with some bad attitude.

Dad was very jealous and came home saying that my mom had gone to a store just to see someone there. It start escalating and finally I lost it. I start arguing with him and soon it became physical. I start pushing him and saying that he would be better gone forever.

I was ready to go out with my BF but did not leave. Dad finally promised me that he would be quiet, would behave and be respectful to my mom or I would show him what hell means literally once I was back from my party.

He was good for awhile and then it all started again. My dad was a master of controlling. He would make my mom feel less then a dog, feel stupid and a woman that could not stand for herself. But then was me there. I had big fights with my dad, I told him once that I did not care paying the price of taking him out for good.

He tried to say something to me many times, but every time I said to him that I was born just like him, physically (my mom is a blond with green eyes) and mentally. I am also abusive, crazy and have no patient with anyone.

So, I get the whole violence. Psychological violence. It is something that consumes you. You know you need to do something but you feel trapped into some little box of pain.

My mom was married 35 years to my dad, he died a few years ago and my mom still loves him. She divorced him after he got on her neck and tried to kill or put fear on her. She move out, restarted her life, did the whole grieving and finally start having a real fun life.

My dad died in misery, pretending he was in complete happiness. Since my dad used force against my mom, I did not talk to him anymore and I do not regret it. He made his choice, then he was probably willing to pay the price.

I think you are taking the right path. You deserve and must be happy. You need to live a decent life and if he is not willing to change his behavior, get professional help... then too bad for him. V will go out, have friends, enjoy life, smile, be loved by others. V will sleep in peace, wake up in peace and sit whatever she wants to read a good book.

I know it is hard to think that you would like that things were different, but unfortunately we have no control over other peoples actions. But V is doing the right thing to respect herself and have a life a human being deserve.

I pray for you V, may God bless you and give all the wisdom you need to work on this and have a decent life, with your H or without him.

You my kind of girl, dancing is one of my passion.

Love to you,
Pink

[edz]

Hi v glad to hear you're doing OK, I'll post again this evening but for now positive thoughts from the bft and I

Edz

[Vanilla]

Have you ever been through the whole cycle with him before V? Where he went honeymoon?
This has been more like a spiral that a circuit of abuse ( think bent spring). Think of a large spring lying on its side in a pool of oil. There have been times when after the abuse H has been nice, but usually for short periods. Then the oil part arrives and V feels foggy (in the oil) eventually it starts again. It really stepped up again after H gave up work (he would say that he took voluntary redundancy) but in essence i think he was asked to leave as he did not get along with his new boss (he was being booted).

Sounded like he was just escalating spew for a very long time.

Yes, indeed, verbal abuse escalated from January 2014..

You have spent a lot more time in counseling and support groups than me.

Yes, three years but only recently have I had abuse counselling.


Do they know what they are doing in cycling, or do they just react off their own gut to manipulate and get their needs met?

As far as I have been told there are abusers who react because of inadequate parenting and basically they never learned about boundaries and mature behaviours. In adulthood they have no insight to their behaviour and have not parented themselves. Hence my H is 'stuck' at 6 years of age and has not developed adult skills.

Narcissists generally have never learned the skills others such as borderlines have limited capacity for empathy skills. It is the difference between say owning a bike and being unable to ride it and not having a bike in the first place. Both types are trying to get their needs met, but one has the capacity to defer gratification and the other just does that to get a bigger advantage further along.

How much awareness of themselves do these types generally have?

I think they know that they have problems that others have difficulties with their behaviour but it is too hard to change and they have to be willing to change. The point of willingness is just after an intervention.

I am hoping all quiet in your house for as long as possible.

thank you, H is having a pity party at the moment, poor H!

Took your advice and went paddleboarding, kickboxing and dog walking this afternoon. It was nice.

Thank you for asking Z, I am so new at this and all I can do is reflect my current understanding

V

[Vanilla]

Yes, it's amusing. For us but sad for them as they have no ideas why things go the way they go. Hence the Blame onto others.

Amen to that Gg!

V

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia Your new sta cd seems to have given H food for thought I'm no expert but you disappearing for a week and N/C might just be the kick up the behind he needed.

I would say stay strong but ducks and swimming comes to mind


Take care. Rd