My wife asked me if I could name fix days of the week for the time with the children. Her argument is that S10 could handle it better this way. Although I do my best, it is difficult not to start thinking about her motives. I'd rather see the children whenever possible and not on fix days. It makes me angry and sad, because this mess would have been avoidable.
I would forget about her motives entirely. I know it is easier said than done, but you will never ever know her true motives (WAW irrationality), so don't waste time thinking about it. I also know that all this complication was introduced into your life, her life, and the children's lives by her own selfish actions. Deep down, your W probably knows it, too. It is too painful for her to think about right now. I am going through something similar - vis a vis a family get-together for Passover: Either we go to my sisters without W and my kids are deprived of their mother, or we stay home as a family, and my kids are deprived of their aunt and cousins. My W is so torn and cannot decide what to do. It is sickening that she brought this upon her family and now is agonizing how to make things good for the children - without even thinking about changing herself or ending the A. So, koalada, I totally get it. Our job is to rise above it and do what is best for the children. If having a more fixed schedule would make thinks more stable for the children, then it may be worth it. You can ask more details from her: how would having a more fixed schedule be better for S10? How is he handling it currently? why the change?
Originally Posted By: koalada
W sends emails, complaining about small stuff. I should use a specific color if I write in the calendar and tell her when I use the calendar. Although I thought I would be fine, my emotions are quiet sore right now. Did you experience nagging about small stuff? I know that I should not be dependable on her moods but that is easier said than done. To apply all the knowledge in real life seems to take a lot of time and patience.
What is this calendar for? Why do you need to write in her calendar.
Is she still in contact with OM? Has your moving out enabled her to actualize her fantasy? I still cannot tell from your posts whether her OM is real or imagined.
In the house is a calendar we use to organize the family life. Every family member has his own column. Due to the car sharing, I thought that I would still use my column to write down the dates I need the car. It suddenly became her calendar and I should ask before using it and use another color. It just feels weird. I mean it is really nothing to start an argument for (or for me to even think about it). I guess I am over reacting and must detach detach detach. We haven't spoken about R for a couple of weeks. Regarding the EA, as I've said, she never met him, never called him, she doesn't know him. When I asked her how she can fall in love with someone she never met, she just shrugged her shoulders. It is all very mysterious to me. Sometimes I wish she would make this "contact" more real. I guess it would be less difficult. I don't even know if I would be jealous. Right now she is not a woman I would die for. Right now it is mostly for kids.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
We have spoken about it on the way to the counselor. I've told her that she could ask me everything and I would be 100% honest. She only wanted to know if I have met another woman during the last month. I didn't and I told her that. The next morning she said that she would have to tell me that she fell in love. If a friend would tell me this story, I would guess that there has to be more than just a chat with some stranger from the Internet she has no longer any contact with. Usually my wife doesn't lie. She only does it when she is really embarrassed about something she did.
Last edited by koalada; 03/20/1505:47 PM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
I've told her that she could ask me everything and I would be 100% honest. She only wanted to know if I have met another woman during the last month. I didn't and I told her that. The next morning she said that she would have to tell me that she fell in love.
Why are you answering her questions. I don't think you owe her any explanations right now. Also, why are you so defensive. Would you be anything less than 100% honest? What does she need to ask you right now? You don't have anything to hide, do you? Nevertheless, you also don't have to be an open book to your W.
Originally Posted By: koalada
The next morning she said that she would have to tell me that she fell in love.
I think there may be a bit of language translation issue here - so I did not understand what you wrote. Is she telling you 1) that she fell in love? or 2) that she would tell you if she fell in love?
Originally Posted By: koalada
If a friend would tell me this story, I would guess that there has to be more than just a chat with some stranger from the Internet she has no longer any contact with. Usually my wife doesn't lie. She only does it when she is really embarrassed about something she did.
I may be wrong, but I think your wife is lying to you a lot. With a little more digging - very very discretely - you should be able to find out more. It won't help you detach, but you need to know what you are dealing with. If you do find something, do not tell her or confront her. Come here first. You will need advice.
1) she fell in love. RAI: I don't want to find out more right now unless she tells me. I don't want to search on her smartphone or check the browser history. I can't see how that would help me. If I would find something, it would be impossible to keep it to myself. She would find out what I did and even more trust would be destroyed. At least that's what I think. Why do you think that it would be a good idea? Would it have any influence on my approach? Maybe you can explain this point a bit more. I'm thankful for any thoughts of you.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
I would want to know, but I guess everyone is different. Perhaps I am way off base. Others, please chime in. but here are some reasons I thought of:
1) If she is in an A, you are going to find out eventually. Wouldn't you rather find out in a controlled fashion, on your terms? Better the devil you do know, as they say. This could have future ramification on your DB efforts.
2) An A is marker of irresponsible behavior. If she is behaving in an irresponsible fashion, are you comfortable with her being the sole caregiver for your children right now? Are you comfortable with how she is spending money? Is she bringing the OM in to the house? Do you wonder why she wants fixed visitation days? I am not trying to make you paranoid (although I may be doing just that - sorry), but these are questions I would have. I never suspected my wife until the affair was disclosed. She has become a totally different person. I have no idea what she is capable of.
How would she find out what you did? Does she already have a reason to mistrust you? If she is having an A, then you needn't worry about her trust in you being destroyed. She has already committed a huge betrayal that will dwarf anything you do.
No need to rush into it. Feel free to seek other opinions on the matter. If you do find out, though, do not tell her until you have had a chance to vent with us and come up with a strategy.
I just told W that I will tell our bank that I have moved out. I have opened up a new account and will give the old credit cards back. She was surprised but said "ok". She is still very exhausted and asked me again to do some work in the house. Small stuff like fixing the cupboard. S10 nearly cried when I left and asked me why I never sleep at home. This is heartbreaking.... But what should I do. The next point is: a friend who knows about the separation wants to meet and have some coffee. She is a single parenting mom and is actively looking for a new relationship. How should I deal with it?
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
Do you understand your W is not the person she use to be? Her emotional affair has been serious enough to tear the M apart. You have no idea if she talks with the OM b/c all you know is what she decides to tell you. She is wayward. She is not the same woman now, and you do not have the marriage you had in the past.
Some people do not want to know the truth. Some men cannot handle seeing how many times his W and OM have made contact. Some cannot stand to read the conversations. I think you may be one of these men could not bear it. You had rather not know. You know yourself better, so if that it is the case then that is your personal choice. However, just b/c you are not informed with the complete truth, does not mean she has ended her EA. She could even have met another person on line, or more than one. It happened to me, and my H thought I was a good woman. I hope she finds her way out this mess, but it usually takes hard lessons and time.
You must take a different view or approach to how you deal with her at this time. You cannot trust her. It is not an issue of her trusting you. She is the one who broke the bond of trust in the M. You did not break your vows. The issue is not about her trusting you. She is the one who cannot be trusted. Do you understand what I mean? All of this has changed b/c of her waywardness. Do not make the mistake of switching roles. She is the guilty party, not you. She cheated, not you.
I don't understand what you mean about giving the old credit cards back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
