An issue I realy really struggle with is anger. Oh my gosh, this is so hard. I try to keep myself distracted but over and over and over again the waves of anger crash through my barriers and floors me. I am guessing that others have this issue too.
I know that we are supposed to let go of the anger, but wow, just wow. I have been left, am now a single Mom, work full time, have two small confused kids, and everyone wants me to just "get over it already". I swear I don't know if I will ever get over this.
I talk to my IC about it and she encourages me to do activities that will take my mind off things, but does it really help? I don't know. Maybe it's just time that will help.
I do not want to play the victim card any longer. It happened, I did not die, even though if felt like and still hurts a lot.
I am aiming for control over my emotions but again, hard. For example, when the kids are with me, I don't want to interact with you know who. I try to avoid at every turn. Its just too painful to interact. The dissapointment, resentment and outright anger is there in me and I don't want it to get out. So voice mail, unanswered texts, etc... are all the norm. I a just quiet , trying to do my thing and be at peace.
Yesterday, I got a call from an "Unknown Number" and I answered and guess who it was? Yep. I handed the phone off t my S9 who eagerly talked to her. I heard her laugh and talk so easily through the speaker phone. I walked into another room so I would not have to listen.
We had made an agreement not to call during each others weeks and yet this agreement is broken a lot. I feel like I am working so hard to keep the house in order, cooking dinners, school homework, shopping, working, etc... all the normal things but there is never enough time in the day to do what needs to be done. This too makes me angry and I feel gypped that my life was stolen.
Bottom line, I have to get this anger and rage under control. It scares me and I don't want it to take over my life. I know it is not healthy or good for me but it is there, staring me down. Currently I am staring it back down so we are at a stalemate.
What do I want? An apology (I know I will never get one), I want peace knowing that I tried my hardest and didn't sacrifice my values or truth.
Anger comes and goes in waves for me too. I had a moment of calm recently and realized what is so painful about this anger: I'm also a contributor to my current situation, not just a victim. That's not how I portray the situation to anyone who dares to ask, but it's the truth of it. As much as I don't accept her decision to leave for OM, I have to confront the fact that I was not a good H and that's part of why she left me. I think I'm angry at her because I'm trying to cover this, to put the focus on her rather than me. I'm just sharing in case it rings a bell for you.
What your IC told you about doing activities is called GAL here. Yes, it works wonders. It does for everyone, me included. I wish I was better at it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yes - that rings a bell - a lot of bells. I have admitted so many times to her and in counseling that I am half to blame and could have been a much better wife/partner. I have made that so clear and have wept bitter tears over those realizations.
It just never occurred to me to leave or to get involved with another. Maybe that is why I am so angry too. Partly me and partly her. I had no idea I was such a damaged person and now all is damage is front and center. Maybe the whole point of this is to realize how flawed we all are and to try to work to overcome them. First by forgiving ourselves and then those that have hurt us so badly.
Has your anger lessened? How do you work those emotions out? I have a feeling this will be a long long process.
About anger part II - yes, a large part of the anger I agree with you Mozza is directed at me, front and center. There it is. I want to get rid of this wasted emotion and how much it takes up my head space. I say "No More" but then I feel it again and again.
Negativity and pessimism and fatalism are all such a part of me - always has been. Partly I've used the energy fo those emotions to get me to where I wanted to be and now I realize it's taken me to a place I don't want to be. I own that.
It also feels that my kids "love" my other half more than me. How childish that is but there you go, an honest emotion. It stings to hear them laughing and making plans. I know they love me too and I love them with all of my heart. We are just different and express our love in different ways, I think both are OK but how I wish I could lighten up more. But how goofy is that to be jealous? At least I recognize it.
I will review my IC today.
I wanted to thank you Mozza also for being so positive. I really like your success stories that you thoughtfully compile and share with the readers. I know it must take a lot of time and energy to do this. It's a nice way to give back and I admire you for it.
So we owe $$ towards the IRS. I reported this to you know who via email - brief, to the point, cordial and the amount she owes. I included a copy of the tax return.
She then responds via email and asks me to pay her portion and gives me her CC info.
I don't think I should have to do this. This is her business right? She fired me as her wife/bookeeper/partner, etc... Previously it was my "job" to manage finances and to make sure the taxes were filed and paid on time, etc...
I view this as part of dropping the rope - right?
Just double checking this is the correct response or should I continue to act as her bookkeeper. I think I may have answered my own question.
I presume that you've filed jointly as a M couple. If that's the case, then you're on the hook for taxes owed regardless if it's W's half. Just say, thanks and you will take care of it. Then send her a receipt of the cc charges so she can see that you handled it.
Can you suggest an email reply to her questions of what to do?
Her email:
What would you like me to do? Do you want me to call the accountant and give them my card? Do you want me to sign something for asking them to bill my card?
Part of me wants to just go ahead and take care of this - we both have to sign, but another part of me says drop the rope. She can handle this on her own.
How about this as a reply email from me:
I will print the tax return, you need to sign and I will too. I will mail along with my portion. You will need to contact the IRS and give them your card for your portion of the payment.
First of all, I'd want for W to take on some of that responsibility and have her call the accountant to find what she needs to do.
Suggested response:
I think it would be helpful for you to call the accountant and sort out the payment part. Let me know what you learn from the accountant and we'll go from there. I will print out the tax return for our signatures. Please let me know when would be a good time for us to meet briefly so you can sign the return. Thanks, Jan.
About the anger issues. I have many anger issues as well. I am angry at my W for never stopping me when I was hurting her. For building up this case in her head that made her resent me and never even letting me know it was happening. The things that she convinced herself of were so far from the truth.
But most of all I am angry at myself. I hurt the most important person in the world to me. I hurt someone so bad that they are willing to walk away from our marriage. Now my W is out doing foolish things because she is trying to get over the pain I caused her. If something happens to her I will never be able to forgive myself. She should not be in this position. Yes I have a lot of built up anger towards myself.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
