Alpha - the future is now!

[alpha99]

The thing I find difficult is gauging the extent to which I interact. Take Friday for example. If we go bowling it's a physical activity. I can focus on kids of course and have fun with them, no R talk with W etc, it's I struggle with whether to not say anything and wait for her to speak, drop little bits if conversations but nothing big, or be as friendly and as nice as I can be...and it seems she wants.

If her problem has been I haven't been nice to her, how would pulling back help? If I shouldnt pursue, how do I be nice without doing so? I'm aware of doing what's counter intuitive. I'm also scared if doing what's wrong. What a mess.

EDIT: it's taking everything I have not to send her 'one more message with meaning'. I know it won't work but I just...want to.

I won't though.

Just to point out: W is only person I've ever been with. I am only real person she has been with (apart from OM recently of course). By 'real' I mean sex. We've both kissed others of course when younger, and she hung around with a lad from college before we met but not in a serious way, more a schoolyard sort of way. This is therefore the first time I've ever had my heartbroken...and man it is not good.

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha, I think neigbourly is your watchword here. What might you talk to your neighbour about and how would you be when talking to them? Have that in your mind.

Also have in your mind the positive things you want your W to see. You're coping well with this, you're a good dad, an interesting person and so on. You don't want to go overboard with these - like trying to be superdad or mega upbeat - or it will seem false, but you want to act in accordance with these things.

You may even want to have some 'safe' subjects to hand, and turn to them if in any doubt. Weather, news items, work (as long as OM isn't work), hobbies and so on.

Of course, what the kids have been doing is a good one.

But never stray into R territory, and if she tries to, avoid talking about it if you can. Say, if she raised something at bowling, you could say - let's not discuss this here, we can talk another time if you want. But then don't arrange the other time or ever bring it up again...

Hope this helps a little...

[alpha99]

Excellent advice toots.

Isn't it funny, I consider myself to be an intelligent person, and when I read other people's problems I seem to have a clear idea of what I think the best approach might be for them. When I turn to my own sitch, everything becomes muddy and I struggle to think straight because of my emotions. What you're saying makes perfect sense. Once again it is all in the application of the the theory I guess.

[alpha99]

Something strange is happening: I feel fine. I've done an awful lot of reading today and the end result is I feel good. Who knows if this feeling will last - I guess not in the shot term, but I feel like life goes on regardless, I will always love my W and kids, and if W doesn't want that I will ultimately have to be fine - so why not start now. I will always love my kids and go through hell to be there for them and to show them how to be a good person.

[alpha99]

Not feeling as good as last night now, but keeping it together better, I hope.

Today and tuesday are parents evenings for our children. W hasn't made an appointment to see teacher yet. I texted her to say good morning to the kids, and ask if it was today.

She's going to sort out the arrangements. W was pleasant sounding on the phone, casual and relaxed. She's at work today so it is disheartening to think FIL and not me will be picking the kids up later from school.

One thing I've noticed, and it may be nothing, but if I text W over something she responds by calling me instead of texting. I wonder if next time there is a need to communicate I should call instead of texting.

[Starsky309]

I think you should request that ALL communication about the kids be via text. You do better with that, and are better able to keep your emotions in check.

If you set up a set parenting calendar, and use an online calendar such as Cozi, the day-to-day communication stuff really shouldn't be that much, and can easily be done via the occasional text message.


Starsky

[alpha99]

Having a rough time of it right now. Nothing really has happened to spark it off, I just feel like crap.

I've been for a family meal in the local Chinese at dinner time here. It started fine but just like last time I felt depressed at time went on, as I heard music playing, as I thought of times I had been there with my W, as everyone was talking about family, kids, what they're doing today, tomorrow, next week etc.

On the way home in the car I was on the verge of crying. I don't want to be a victim but WHY OH WHY is this happening. Sure, we had problems but aren't people meant to work those things out. I can even get over that she had an A - I just miss her and my children SO MUCH. I WANT THEM BACK HOME WITH ME.

Starksy, great advice as ever. I am actually very composed on the phone. I have noticed, if other people are present and the interaction is short with W then I don't have a problem. If we are alone face to face for any extended period then I get upset. I just don't know at all what to do for the best right now. I know pursuing is a bad idea but I feel sick to the pit of my stomach just thinking that I will cut back communication with her to an absolute minimum. I know it's my emotions speaking but I want to be with her, with my kids, have days out, be nice and get along, try and work things out bit by bit. W doesn't want any of that at the moment.

I feel like I'm going mad. Every minute of every day is taken up thinking about my sitch, what I could have done, how my kids are missing out if they're not seeing me, how I might do something to fix things, what my W wants, what I want, where she is right now, who she's speaking to, has she met someone else, what is she doing tonight, will we go out together tomorrow, what should I wear, say, do, how should I act...I could go on and on. I am madly in love with her. I haven't shown that all the time I should. On the contrary, I've done things that make her think I don't love her - and now she doesn't love me.

I feel so low. I feel so, so low. There is definitely a rollercoaster of emotions through all of this. I just wonder whether W feels the same way. Is she happy every day? Does she get lonely at night? Does she miss me, have regrets, even if she isn't openly showing them? Who knows? Only her I suppose. But I love her and I want her back. I know we don't always get what we want but oh man, I would be willing to make some big changes in our life to have a happy life together.

All the GALing etc in the world is great, all the DB'n techniques fantastic, but what is the point of anything if you can't be with your W and kids? I know I'm working through all this to have that as the end goal but whoa is it hard work dealing with emotions. I'm keeping well dressed and presented but since I'm not seeing W much she isn't around to see. I just feel like the ground could swallow me up right now and have done with it. I just feel like I am going to be heartbroken forever. Yes, people do get over things. But if I have to spend the rest of my life seeing my children (and my daughter is a carbon copy of my W in terms of looks) and seeing the failure of my marriage and how it has affected all of us, then that is an almighty burden to have to carry for the rest of my life. I am sure W is not thinking that far ahead. She is a mobile addict. She is never off the thing. I would spend time playing with the kids and she would be texting etc elsewhere...all the time. Now I'm in a sitch where I can't be with the kids, and even the other night when I was there for a little bit she spent some time then in the kitchen on her phone. Since I have whatsapp installed and her as a contact I can see that it updates a lot to say she is always online using it. I don't know who she's messaging night and day, but it ain't me.

Will this ever get better? Will this ever get easier. I hope so because living like this is a nightmare. Holding on with little hope is so hard. If we were divorced and she met someone else etc then I would have to face reality that it is over. Being in limbo wondering whether she will ever reconsider and all the time wondering if she is still single, how the kids are etc is, like I said, the hardest thing in life to have to deal with.

I am not a religious person at all. We got married in a church because my W is catholic (though not a staunch one). The religious side didn't mean that much to me to be honest, but my vows were taken deadly seriously. If there is a God (I don't want to offend people here, I have no qualms in what other people believe) then now would be a good time to give me a hand please. For about the first time in my life the other night I laid in bed and prayed. I don't know who to or why, but I thought that if there is a higher power then at least for the sake of my children please help us all out of this nightmare. They deserve to be brought up in a loving environment with their mum and dad being happy together. I am willing to spend the rest of my life working on myself to ensure that is the case. If only my W was willing to do the same. We have had amazing highs together. This is an all time low in my life. If it persists then I don't know how much strength I have to continue on like this...

[twinmom]

Your not living in limbo. Your wife has said it's over. Accept that, start acting like it's over. Move on with YOUR life. Maybe she will follow and maybe she won't. But right now denial isn't getting you anywhere.

[alpha99]

I know you're right twinmom but that is so hard to do. To move on when you're in love, when you have children, when they have been your whole life every waking moment.

I know doing things that seem counter intuitive is the thing here. I want to save my marriage. I have read the about the LRT. I've even started to implement it. I guess I haven't read it like you say though: Is the basic premise of it to leave your former life behind, start a new one in the best way possible, improving yourself as you go, with the kids involved as much as possible, do it for yourself but hope that in the process of doing so your wife has a realisation of who you've become and maybe decides to change her mind?

[alpha99]

W has called.

She wants to go out tonight with the kids now, not tomorrow. I agreed. It was either that or not see them for a few more days. W is coming too. We are going bowling and out for tea. Pointless guessing I know but my best bet is that she has arranged a night out for tomorrow hence the desire to switch days.

I've just reviewed all your earlier recommendations; neighbourly nice, no R talk, have a back up of topics to 'chat' over (weather, news, kids, school etc), display the new traits I would like her so see, be upbeat, show I'm coping well (act as if cos I'm not) and so on.

To think I'm writing this about how to deal with my own W is kinda surreal.