Maybell XXXII

[Maybell]

I'll post the link later.

Still struggling with the feeling of having gone down the rabbit hole/through the looking glass. It never occurred to me that he'd be willing to abandon me this way. That we wouldn't be friends that he could hurt me and the kids like this. It's not like BD, but I'm feeling my heart as broken. Feeling sad & anxious.

I saw the lawyer again yesterday and moved things along a bit. I have housing to dos in front of me and I'm scared of making a mistake. There's a vibe at the office that's tense after a small snafu last week and my coworker keeps hinting someone could get fired. It was a tiny snafu but I'm terrified (also I wasn't wrong).

Overall this week is going poorly and I'm a bit down.

[SunnyB]

Maybell, sorry you are down. Wishing you good luck at work and with the house stuff.

[Lorelai]

Hi Maybell,
Just wanted to say also I'm sorry you are having a tough week. I know how stressful a tense office environment can be, even without all the other things you're dealing with. Hang in there. We're all here for you!

[T384]

Hugs Maybell.

I know this all stinks. You are strong and you wil come out shining on the other side.. I hope your spirits lift soon

[Maybell]

Thanks y'all.

I went out with a few friends tonight and got to know a few acquaintances better. It always surprises me how people seem to know and like me even if I've barely met them. It's a big mood lifter and I appreciate not being invisible.

Interesting... D11 and I had two counseling appointments and she has settled down a lot. STBX had the kids tonight and he said he wants her to have a device again. I put my foot down and said NO. She has access to one when I know she's going to be in circumstances where she needs it for communicating and she has the means to listen to music. Then she turns it back in to me. He pushed back some and I said no, she's finally becoming almost pleasant again. It will not happen any time soon.

I'm sure he just wants to be able to text her and be in touch. I feel badly if he actually misses the kids... But I feel like if he'd wanted to parent them he'd try more than just texting them. I'm not going to sabotage the quality of my home life by permitting open season on electronics again. That way madness lies.

I also have a crazy eye allergy going on. They are literally glowing pink where they should be white, which makes the light green part pop out in a way that I'm sure looks very eerie. And they itch like mad. Good times.

I've been collecting quotes. These are from memory so pardon if they're not quite exact:

"We are all lying in the sewer. It's just that some of us are looking at the stars ."
-- Oscar Wilde

"We didn't lose the game. We just ran out of time."
-- Vince Lombardi

[Card29]

Great quotes, Maybell! Those are two geniuses

You definitely have a sparkle about you. It's obvious from all of the people that flock to you hear, to give to and receive from you. Glad to know that it's corroborated IRL.

How did WAH respond to you denying electronics for D11?

[Lorelai]

Good for you Maybell on putting your foot down. I like your parenting philosophy with the electronics. My children are still quite small, but it's a good reminder for me to be more firm even now--with the TV, the Leap Pad and letting the kids play with my phone. That is where the madness starts. I have a lot to learn from you as a mom!

[Underdog]

Hey, MB...

That's pretty awesome that you stepped up to your H and stated your position on giving her a cell phone/tablet. Good rationale there, and good approach.

I'm sure he just wants to be able to text her and be in touch. I feel badly if he actually misses the kids... But I feel like if he'd wanted to parent them he'd try more than just texting them.

Exactly. It wasn't *that* long ago that texting wasn't the main form of communicating with someone. Especially if it's a substitute for the real thing.

Last Friday, I took my D18 to Noodles for dinner on our way to church. As we were leaving, I looked around and it kind of made me sick at what I saw. There were multiple tables of people who were seated at a table together but they were eating and texting. Really! WTF?????? Why not go have dinner with your cell phone and text those people? I realized that although my D18 is nonverbal and can't text, so it doesn't apply to her, I'm going to insist on all my dinners with people to be cell phone free zones. Even me. It's awful.

So I tip my hat to you on making every attempt at keeping your kids tethered. I really applaud you on that.

I can't imagine you being invisible, Maybell. I'm not at all surprised that people like you and are drawn to you. So take that!

Betsey

[Maybell]

Thank you, Card, Lorelai, and Betsey!

He was disappointed that I said no to the electronics. Beyond that I couldn't read him, but I don't care. He doesn't have to live with the consequences of unlimited electronics. I notice also that he hasn't made ANY effort to compensate for the limitations I've placed on devices either. Not even by trying to FaceTime them through my phone or iPad.

My co-worker said that she thought he was doing as well as he is equipped to do, which I acknowledge is probably true even while I don't care to be OK with that. The Thanksgiving after I found out about the A, his sister and her husband (STBX's best friend since middle school) were laughing about the difference between my in-laws' family gatherings and the husband's family gatherings. At my in-laws' gatherings everybody stands around watching TV or football and drinking beer and wine. At the other family's gatherings people play games, sing songs together, listen to the talented musicians in their family play instruments, etc. They thought it was funny.

Now that I'm living with the consequences of those differences, I don't see it as funny. I see it as really sad. It is robbing my kids of their dad and their dad of his kids. But... no longer my monkey or my circus.

I've been thinking about the summer scheduling conflict we have WRT D11 and I've decided... one of the things the therapist said is that she's really starved for my undivided attention. So if STBX sticks with his decision to keep his plans, take the boys down to visit his family and fly D11 back (her missing the family vacation time), then I'm going to let that happen without objection. I'm going to take advantage of the one-on-one time with her and see if we can't have a ton of fun together, girls on the town without the boys.

However, I'm going to make HIM explain to her why he won't be spending vacation time with her this year. Perhaps that will make him think a little bit. She needs him too.

I talked to a mortgage person today and was more specific about my conversation with the realtor. Renting for a year or two is starting to look likely. That would be disappointing but, well, you can't have everything. I worry that D11 will have gone through her childhood a little too much like mine, where she couldn't feel settled and get a base beneath her till she's a teenager (and even then I didn't feel like I had a base, but that's a different story...) This is not the life I wanted for her. SO, SO not the life I wanted for her. If she could only know how far short I've fallen in what I thought I'd be able to give her when she was born... well, she'd probably use it against me and try to extort electronic devices out of me in exchange, so it's just as well she doesn't know.

Happy Thursday!!!

[Maybell]

So much anxiety this morning. Not enough exercise in my life. I feel constantly behind. The babysitter does not fill me with confidence and I'm worried there. The mortgage woman was not encouraging about getting a mortgage soon -- I will likely have to rent for a year. Anxiety in my job. There's a lot of fear and a sense of failure welling up in me. I don't feel remotely good enough.

I also feel exposed and vulnerable at the thought of leading my family without the support of a loving spouse. I'm scared to death of the next 15 years of my life even while I think I can handle it. I am very angry at STBX's selfishness. I may get slapped down for it but I feel like it is objectively Wrong to make the choices he made -- as wrong as stealing is. I trusted him with all my heart and he PUT me in this mess. Knowingly chose to put me and the kids here. I'm feeling more than one kind of hurt.

Many people have said I should just find a nice rental and move, tell STBX to deal with selling this house and move on. Part of me agrees. The Nice Girl kicks back and says no, this has been your home, how can you be so callous towards this place that was the scene of so much intensity in your life?

How could one person do this to another? How could he inflict all this on me???