separate the addict from the source of their addiction.
Yes. Good line. I have come across the replacement of addiction with another in my head for awhile by now.
I will up the strength of it tonight. Continue to mention that it is going to take a long time to gain trust in her again, and the more she does to alleviate that mental strain now, the better. She knows that the most important thing for me to have right now is trust. Without my trust, her entire family will have no trust, regardless of whether I say anything to them or not.
Jefe, I have not. I have met her only once. I do know who she is and can get into contact with her if I need to. I should have gotten her number when I met her, did not think about it. Good suggestion though. Thank you.
I'm not a fan of contacting the sponsor while the spouse is wayward in way shape or form, but during piecing, it may not be a bad idea.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Keylogger works nice. Was having issues viewing it at first, but worked it out now.
We agreed to me looking at her texts and FB messages, among other things. I installed a keylogger on the computer I am letting her use without her knowing. It is my computer, maybe I use keyloggers to backup what I type? Just happens to be on there still.
Turned off the internet on her phone again and put the computer away.
Now I need to broach the subject of absolutely NC with her again, probably even more strict terms this time, my terms. Not sure if I should mention the Keylogger or not.
Thanks Toots. I will. I have other signs I can use anyway. Still going to keep the internet on lock down with her. Still going to bring up the disrespectful crossing of boundaries again today, and go even further with the NC measures.
Turned the internet back on instead. She was rather upset about it last time. "Vindictive without communication." Decided to start it off with:
"What do you want/need from me for our relationship?"
I have been wanting a response to this for awhile. All she could do is say "I don't know."
I brought up that I still want to trust her, but cannot and it feels like there is still contact between her and OM. I asked her to be truthful. She still denied, but then started to admit that they would just ask how eachother's day went. She felt that it was just friendly exchanges. That they can "still be friends," (it was a lot more than that). "I am not seeing him anymore, so what is the big deal?"
I mentioned the whole NC means NC to me. That I do not feel that it works that way and that there is no such thing as "just being friends." She stuck with the whole "you are just thinking that up," "you are just putting that on yourself," etc. I mentioned that this is something important to me, a boundary, that I can not accept happening for me to be considering we are working on our marriage, as she says we are doing (as well as within this conversation, after admitting to contact as just friends). "It does not work that way and I would expect you to do the same to me in this situation." She was trying to claim that I was holding her back from her recovery. I mentioned that I was not, just protecting my boundaries and myself. That I support her recovery one hundred percent, just not an affair, and not my boundaries being crossed.
Got a little further into relationship talk. Talking about what we feel like we would need from each other. Stuck with emotional connection and trust, I did mention that physical is helpful important in my opinion, but it can be respected without for awhile. Also mentioned that I do not want to live with seeing our son only 50 percent of the time. I firmly believe that a child should have one mother and one father and that is it, and that divorces cause a lot more unforeseen repercussions and that it is often times a short term fix. That I believe children to not fair as well as some people think, and there is a lot of research on the matter. These were mentioned as my opinions.
Some choice phrases came out, "I just do not care about your anymore." "I feel like the love was never there." "I do not know if I came back to just be with our son or to work on our marriage." "I wish you would have an affair just so you know that someone loves you," "I can see the good in you and you are a wonderful father and you and _____ love eachother so much, and we do well raising him together," "I do not feel like I can become emotionally attached to you at all, and I do not feel like I ever have."
I did validate every one of her feelings.
It did get a little more heated (no raised voice though). She mentioned, with a pretty evil look on her face, "....It is not going to be with you." I feel I have made a mistake here in the heat of it. Saying "Well you can leave then," and then I went up stairs to cool down a little, knowing it was not the best thing to say, but I do not tolerate being lied to. Naturally not heard that way regardless.
She came upstairs. Had some more talk in the kitchen. Started off with her saying that I was kicking her out, but she is not going to leave because her son is here, 50/50 assets and such. I said "that is not what I said, I said you could leave, but I WOULD rather you be here." She was having a problem with my use of the word "boundaries." That it was a "big word I just decided I wanted to start using." I said "everyone has them. They are things that can not happen for a relationship to succeed or happiness to be had. Being lied to and an affair a major ones for me. You have yours, and when they are brought up, I respect them."
The exchange went into the past for this one. Saying that I threatened to take full custody of our son when she was using. I apologized that it felt that way, made it clear that I had no desire for that, that it was what the legal system would have done in that situation, but something that was with great reluctance on my part (I feel I may just have to keep my mouth shut on this one). She mentioned that I did not do enough for her when she was using. That I was not attached to her enough emotionally that I was just willing to "let her die." I validated her feelings, and apologized for not doing what she felt I should have been done (dragged her to get help), but by no means did I ever want her to die, "you are not ready until you are ready" is what I keep being told, and I did tell her that I wanted her to get help (she never did obviously). I mentioned that it was more that I just did not do the correct things for the situation. Instead of dragging her to a facility, I decided that I was going to try and do things to try and make her happy - flowers, gifts, bringing dinner to her at work, bringing our son to her at work, compliments, etc, not making her do things around the house when she was working full time. Wrong choices.
It seemed like she was blaming me for everything that has happened to her. That I was the one who did not do enough to prevent her from getting to where she is now. She asked why I felt completely disrespected. I mentioned that I felt it would have been a lot better off (regardless of the outcome) being told these feelings back when they first came up. That not doing so, doing all of these things behind everyone's back, and letting it get so far was something that could have been avoided, and that these "boundary" conversations would never have occurred.
A lot of these things are things that OM says too. Sometimes it feels like some brainwashing has occurred.
Son is awake now, it is break time. We will work with blocking OM communications more thoroughly (phone number and FB friend) and see how that rolls here in a little. Then it will be blocked internet and she can buy it for herself or leave.
It seems like you are definitely on the right path. Remember her selective memory and negative opinion on your R is par for the course isn't it. It seems you handled your recent exchanges really well and laid out some excellent boundaries. I wholeheartedly agree on NC with OM being just that. Would your W like if an ex lover of yours popped by each day just to grab a coffee or say hello?
I would say carry on the path you're heading down. Most importantly, keep your cool. What are you doing to GAL?
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
