I’m really enjoying my GAL activities. I'm re-connecting with so many friends I haven’t seen in what seems like years. Even doing new things with them.
Last night I had a nice dinner and spent a few hours talking with a friend that I used to work with. It was so nice to catch up. We've always just talked at work, or at a post work happy hour. But this was the first time talking outside of a work function.
I've decided that even if the WW eventually comes back, I will not lose this new found time with my old and new friends.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
She came by the house to pick up more stuff yesterday. It’s hard watching her pack up things to leave me.
There was a little bit of talk about how she is going to find a new doctor, and then start looking for a therapist.
She did cry and talk about how hard this is. It was really hard to not tell her I love her and miss her and how much I want her to come home and work on things. Instead I tried to use some validating statements: “I care about your feelings. Let me know if you want to talk about anything, or even if you want me to just shut up and listen.”
Unlike her last visit I did not cry while she was at the house. Thankfully I was able to appear strong and hold off until after she left.
I feel like I’m doing an ok job with letting her go. I don’t initiate any communication. I only use brief replies when she contacts me first.
This is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
She did cry and talk about how hard this is. It was really hard to not tell her I love her and miss her and how much I want her to come home and work on things. Instead I tried to use some validating statements: “I care about your feelings. Let me know if you want to talk about anything, or even if you want me to just shut up and listen.”
Careful -- you don't want to fall into "gay boyfriend" territory if your goal is still to re-attract her.
A better response would be "I know, this has been incredibly difficult for all of us."
Good talk with my DB coach yesterday. We talked about some of the validating statements and how to make them more personal for next time I need one. I need to work on my role in what has caused so much resentment from her that escaping into a game and the affairs became an option for her.
She suggested that while it goes against my detaching, that I spend some time on these questions: Where did I fell short in meeting her needs? Where did I drop the ball? What would she tell her therapist the biggest issue was? What hurt her heart so much? What got her to this place?
I need to soul search and think about all the things she has brought up so I can really understand what impact my actions, or lack of actions, has had on her. I need to understand her emotions to the best of my ability and really emphasize to her how what I did hurt her and I understand how painful it must be for her.
I've come up with a couple so far:
I think she felt neglected and that other things took precedence over her emotional needs. Especially when I was working all the time and she was home by herself with the kids in the early years of our marriage.
I think she has felt overwhelmed. Especially with having to do almost all (99%) of the cooking and cleaning for the entire family during our marriage.
Once I have a list, and begin to understand how I hurt her, I can work to correct that behavior with my therapist, and then turn them into a validating statement so she knows I understand some of my role in this.
I think this is what I am aiming for: “I really care about how much pain I have caused you, especially when I think of how overwhelmed you must have been doing all the cooking and cleaning without help from me.”
Any thoughts?
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
So long as it's used for thoughtful self-introspection and to validate her feelings, I have no problem with it. If it's used to try to get some reaction out of your wife, or if for example you take the "she felt neglected" to mean that you should now PURSUE her, I'd be strongly against that in her current wayward state.
But yeah, you gotta understand your part in the dysfunction that led to her destructive decisions. Otherwise, you're doomed to repeat them, be it in this relationship or in a future one with someone else.
you gotta understand your part in the dysfunction that led to her destructive decisions. Otherwise, you're doomed to repeat them, be it in this relationship or in a future one with someone else.
I think this bears repeating over and over!
Cause I may be repeating but it is not what you want to do!
