Newbie needs advice and encouragement

[raliced]

Kramer,

Here's the thing about second thoughts. They're just thoughts. Probably every WAS has at least some. At this stage, when they have walked away, moved out and served you with divorce papers, the only thing that counts is action.

BTW - I'm in California too. It was my understanding that the only person who couldn't serve me with papers was my spouse.

[Kramer]

Kramer, I think the above are:

a) Indicators of her own negative feelings about D, and embarrasment at being D

b) Convenience and saving money

None of what you post above should give you reason to hope she may be having second thoughts. I would get myself a good L and stop worrying about what she may think..

I would agree with you. I am her 4th husband, though. I think the embarrassment stems from the fact that she is divorcing because of affair, not because she is embarrassed by divorce. That, plus the fact that I am a nice guy, and she never even tried to get through our issues. Never even a thought of MC, just straight to divorce. I brought that up to her, and her response was that a loving relationship should not require outside intervention or counseling. I wholeheartedly disagree. Love is a feeling, but a true and solid relationship requires hard work, dedication, maintenance, and sometimes outside intervention.

Perhaps 3 previous marriages should have been a red flag...

SIGH.

[Kramer]

Kramer,

Here's the thing about second thoughts. They're just thoughts. Probably every WAS has at least some. At this stage, when they have walked away, moved out and served you with divorce papers, the only thing that counts is action.

BTW - I'm in California too. It was my understanding that the only person who couldn't serve me with papers was my spouse.

That is correct. She brought the process server with her to our appointment, and he then served me.

[Barry]

Hi Kramer, Thanks for posting on my thread, I've just caught up on yours.
Sorry you find yourself here, but you're in the right place.

I'd urge you to listen to Starsky's posts in particular regarding a L.

Don't be afraid of pushing W away or pi$$ing her off. Get the best L you possibly can A.S.A.P. Time to realise that she threw your M under a bus by her actions, and now she wants to reverse over it by not being fair financially. If you weren't before, NOW you can detach properly.

Time to get your game face on.

[Kramer]

Thanks everybody for your good and heartfelt advice. I agree that a lawyer is going to be necessary in order to protect my interests. I have an appointment in Wednesday and will file my disputed reply to dissolution at that time. I have no doubt as to the outcome, since california is 50/50 community property for debts and assets, but I don't relish the thought of spending $3000-$10,000 each. Ugh.

I think the biggest benefit of getting a lawyer, though, will be the ability to extricate myself from the situation and allow me to detach properly and completely. Time for me to stop thinking about what should be, and look at what is.

[Kramer]

I'm on a roll. I'm having the locksmith come over today to rekey all of the doors. My STBXW and all her kids have keys currently. I'm moving forward with my life as a single person, however reluctantly.

On a weird note, I was just cleaning the house, and came across an old copy of Divorcd Busting from 2010. We weren't talking about divorce then, but there must have been some friction for me to have bought the book. Heck, who knows? Maybe it WASN'T me that bought it. Weird. And sad.

[Kramer]

Well, I have initiated needed changes in my attitude and am moving forward understanding that my relationship is ending in divorce. I will still hold out the slimmest of hopes that reconciliation may be an option down the road, but I now know that my old relationship is dead. My wife's actions with the affair, coupled with moving out and filing divorce, have been the 2 x 4 that I needed to make this realization.

While her affair and subsequent actions are the impetus for the final outcome, I must also take responsibility for my own actions as well. I now realize that I treated her poorly for years. I would get so angry at her and the kids for not keeping things clean and organized around the house. I would feel disrespected if people didn't do what I thought needed to be done. I was controlling. I was moody. I was critical. I loved my wife and my family, but I did not do a good job of showing it. Toward the end, we argued frequently, but she always backed down. I took this to mean that I was correct in my actions. How wrong I was.

I thought she would never leave, but I did not give her a reason to stay. That is the irony. Now I have a spotless house and no stress, but I am totally alone.

[Kramer]

I had really hoped for some feedback this weekend. I appreciate the posts and responses that have been made this far. You have helped me more than you realize during this whole sorry ordeal. Even though I understand the reality of my situation, it doesn't make it any easier. Everything I do reminds me of my wife and our relationship, and I am so very sad. I keep wanting to send just one more email, but it's all been said before and would serve no purpose. So I keep on moving forward, treading water, and hoping that the nightmare ends soon.

[sandi2]

Sorry to hear about your stitch. Whenever I read about a WW pressing her H not to bother with lawyers, it's usually b/c she plans to get more than she knows she could if he has legal representation.

[Kramer]

Sorry to hear about your stitch. Whenever I read about a WW pressing her H not to bother with lawyers, it's usually b/c she plans to get more than she knows she could if he has legal representation.

Sandi,

I agree wholeheartedly. In this case, about $200k.

Let me ask you something else, based on your unique WW insight. My W has grown so cold and detached since her A in Septembrr and my discovery on NYE. Instead of trying to fix our problems, she jumped straight to D upon discovery and has not wavered. At first, I assumed that it was so she could be with OM, and to mitigate her guilt. Indeed, she is already telling people at work that she is divorcing me because she has been miserable for years, and has "just met" this other guy.

However, it doesn't make sense. She now has to work every other weekend to pay bills, and only sees OM every other weekend. She actually sees him less now than when they were sneaking around. Does she truly hate/resent me that much to want to divorce so quick? Or is she biding her time to make herself look less guilty? Or perhaps OM is having doubts at a full-on relationship now that the secret's out.

Regardless of reason, is there anything that I can/should be doing differently? I am no longer communicating with her and will have L handle divorce. This will pi$$ her off and I'm sure I won't hear anything from her ever again, other than hate and spew.